Be Afraid, Be Very Afraid

Quick thing

2006-08-24T00:25:00.000-05:00

Well im going to be updating this again soon. Probably with what my summer has consisted of and chances are good ill put a couple pics from a party at a friends place up. But i was just going over the things i had writen on here and i found a post from over a year ago. It was a quote i had found that i thought spoke of me almost to a T. Well i want to repost it. One because its fallen aways in my post section and secondly, it still rings true to this day. So here it is

"Please don't be fooled by me. Don't be fooled by the face I wear, for I wear a mask. I wear a thousand masks, masks that I'm afraid to take off and none of them are me. Pretending is an art that is second nature to me, but don't be fooled, for God's sake don't be fooled. I give you the impression I'm secure and that all is sunny and unruffled with me, within as well as without, that confidence is my name, coolness my game, that water is calm and I'm in command and that I need no one, but don't believe me, please don't believe me. My surface may be smooth, but my surface is a mask--my every varying and ever concealing mask. Beneath it dwells the real confusion, fear and aloneness. Beneath lies my smugness, my complacently, but I hide this--I don't want anyone to know it. I panic at the thought of my weakness and fear being exposed. That's why I frantically created a mask to hide behind-- nonchalant sophisticated facades to help me pretend-- to shield me from the glance that knows-- but such a glance is precisely my salvation, my only salvation and I know it. That is if it's followed by acceptance. If it's followed by love, it's the only thing that can liberate me from myself, from my own self built prison walls and from the barriers that I so painstakingly erect. It's the only thing that will assure me of what I cannot assure myself, that I'm really worth while, but I don't tell you this, I don't dare--I'm afraid to. I'm afraid that your glance will not be followed by acceptance and love. I'm afraid you'll think less of me and you'll laugh and your laugh will kill me. I'm afraid that deep down, I'm nothing and that I'm just no good and that you'll see this and reject me." -"Don't Be Fooled by Me," Charles C. Finn

Thats it, any thoughts on this let me know. Have a good night everyone.

Been along time

2006-03-11T02:50:00.000-05:00

Its been along time since my last post. I know. Alot of shit has been going on and i just didnt feel like writing in here. I will write about everything that has been going on with me soon im sure. But tonight i was bored and i tried this Numberology thing on Tarot.com on aol. I know its probably all BS but its fun to see what they have to say and see if you think they are close. So i used a program thats supposed to tell me what my Name tends to give of and what the type of person with it should be like. I actually think its almost dead on. But i figured i would post it and see what other people think. Well here it is.

Name 1: Paul Lefebvre
The name Paul Lefebvre is dominated by the numbers 8, 1 and 7.

Dominant Impression Number: 8

Powerful, a conqueror, devours the weak and rules the strong. The name Paul Lefebvre reflects money and power. It is a carnivore, a winner at all cost.

Paul Lefebvre has the power and potential to achieve great things. Whatever the enterprise, it strives to be the best and most successful in its field. Extremely competitive and not afraid of challenges or challengers. A visionary, a realist, and a planner. Discipline and perseverance. Dynamic and efficient.

Rewards the faithful and hardworking employee, but has no tolerance for the incompetent.

Paul Lefebvre understands the balance between giving and taking, generosity and greed. When it loses that balance, it self-destructs.

Most positive characteristics: Strength, perseverance, potential for greatness.

Most negative characteristics: Financial ups and downs. Lacks compassion. Can be self-destructive.

Vowel Vibration Number: 1

The vowels in Paul Lefebvre enhance its sense of independence, strength, drive and determination. It certainly adds horsepower to the Dominant Impression.

The Vowel Vibration makes the name feel more masculine and aggressive. It also conveys intelligence, innovation, inventiveness, leadership, courage, adventurism, and a taste for the unconventional. At the same time, the vowels make Paul Lefebvre seem somewhat harsh, abrupt, impatient, confrontational, and hard-headed.

Base Vibration Number: 7

The Base Vibration in Paul Lefebvre radiates mystery and a search for knowledge and wisdom. There is a distinctly spiritual tone that makes people curious. It reflects intelligence, seriousness, but also independence and self-sufficiency. The base vibrations make Paul Lefebvre seem alien, hard to get to know, and withdrawn. To many, they also deliver a sense of aristocracy and arrogance.

The Base Vibration in Paul Lefebvre draws respect, even admiration. However, it does not invite people to interact.

Vibrational Compatibility
The Dominant Vibration and the Vowel Vibration in Paul Lefebvre are compatible and complement each other. 4 Stars.

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The Dominant Vibration and the Base Vibration oppose and conflict. 1 Star.

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The Vowel and Base Vibrations are compatible and complement each other. 4 Stars.

2005-09-29T13:57:00.000-05:00

REST IN PEACE PUPPY!!! I WILL MISS YOU AND I WILL NEVER FORGET YOU

test

2005-09-16T10:59:00.000-05:00

I took a test reagan sent me, about finding out your animal magnetism. Here were the results. Take it tell me what you got and if you think these are acurate.

paul, you're an Alligator

See you later, Alligator. We won't be catching much of you around the singles swamp. You tend to lurk below the surface at some of the most happening and trendy scenes around town. Being the savvy prowler that you are, you give yourself adequate time to observe and calculate before you make your devastating moves. Once you've located your target, your slow, suave approach is enough to hypnotize just about anyone.

Sure, you might look tough on the outside, but you know how to woo a potential mate with soft strokes and tender words. To you, romance is a subtle dance and you're willing to take your time with it. You ever so skillfully develop your next cunning move that's always so impossible to resist. You've got the ritual of romance down to a science, don't you?

http://web.tickle.com/tests/animal/?test=animalogt

Just something quick

2005-07-20T00:07:00.000-05:00

so my friend john put a bulletin on myspace.com and i got it on my profile there. It said to repost it with the month you were born in the headline. Well i thought that my month fit me to a T so i decided to share this thing with everyone that reads this. Please leave a message telling me if you agree with your month or not. And since most of you might not know what month i was born it is January, Do you think its an accurate description of me? Let see.

Pick the MONTH that you were born in & put it on the SUBJECT LINE. Then re-post it AS YOUR OWN BULLETIN. Your friends might understand you better....

JANUARY:
Stubborn and hard-hearted. Ambitious and serious. Loves to teach and be taught. Always looking at people's flaws and weaknesses. Likes to criticize. Hardworking and productive . Smart, neat and organized. Sensitive and has deep thoughts. Knows how to make others happy. Quiet unless excited or tensed. Rather reserved. Highly attentive. Resistant to illnesses but prone to colds. Romantic but has difficulties expressing love. Loves children. Loyal. Has great social abilities yet easily jealous. Very Stubborn and money cautious.
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FEBRUARY:
Abstract thoughts. Loves reality and abstract. Intelligent and clever. Changing personality. Attractive. sexy. Temperamental. Quiet, shy and humble. Honest and loyal. Determined to reach goals. Loves freedom. Rebellious when restricted. Loves aggressiveness. Too sensitive and easily hurt. Gets angry really easily but does not show it. Dislikes unnecessary things. Loves making friends but rarely shows it. Daring and stubborn. Ambitious. Realizing dreams and hopes. Sharp. Loves entertainment and leisure. Romantic on the inside not outside. Superstitious and ludicrous. Spendthrift. Tries to learn to show emotions.
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MARCH:
Attractive personality. sexy. Affectionate Shy and reserved. Secretive. Naturally honest, generous and sympathetic. Loves peace and serenity. Sensitive to others. Loves to serve others. Easily angered. Trustworthy. Appreciative and returns kindness. Observant and assesses others. Revengeful. Loves to dream and fantasize. Loves traveling. Loves attention. Hasty decisions in choosing partners. Loves home decors. Musically talented. Loves special things. Moody.
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APRIL:
Active and dynamic. Decisive and haste but tends to regret. Attractive and affectionate to oneself. Strong mentality. Loves attention. Diplomatic. Consoling, friendly and solves people's problems. Brave and fearless. Adventurous. Loving and caring. Suave and generous. Emotional. Aggressive. Hasty. Good memory. moving Motivates oneself and others. Sickness usually of the head and chest. sexy in a way that only their lover can see.
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MAY:
Stubborn and hard-hearted. Strong-willed and highly motivated. Sharp thoughts. Easily angered. Attracts others and loves attention. Deep feelings. Beautiful physically and mentally. Firm Standpoint. Needs no motivation. Easily consoled. Systematic (left brain). Loves to dream. Strong clairvoyance. Understanding. Sickness usually in the ear and neck. Good imagination. Good physical. Weak breathing. Loves literature and the arts. Loves traveling. Dislike being at home. Restless. Not having many children. Hardworking. High spirited. Spendthrift.
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JUNE:
Easy to talk to. Thinks far with vision. Easily influenced by kindness. Polite and soft-spoken. Having lots of ideas. Sensitive. Active mind. Hesitating, tends to delay. Choosy and always wants the best. Temperamental. Funny and humorous. Loves to joke. Good debating skills. Has that someone* always on his/her mind. Talkative. Daydreamer. Friendly. Knows how to make friends. Abiding. Able to show character. one guy/girl kind of person. Loveable. Easily hurt. Prone to getting colds. loves music. pretty/handsome. Loves to dress up. Easily bored. Fussy. Seldom shows emotions. Takes time to recover when hurt. Sensitive. Down-to-Earth. Stubborn.

_______________________________
JULY:
Fun to be with. Secretive. Difficult to fathom and to be understood. Quiet unless excited or tensed. Takes pride in oneself. Has reputation. Easily consoled. Honest. Concerned about people's feelings. Tactful. Friendly. Approachable. Emotional temperamental and unpredictable. Moody and easily hurt. Witty and sparkly. Not revengeful. Forgiving but never forgets. Dislikes nonsensical and unnecessary things. Guides others physically and mentally. Sensitive and forms impressions carefully. Caring and loving. Treats others equally. Strong sense of sympathy. Wary and sharp. Judges people through observations. Hardworking. No difficulties in studying. Loves to be alone. Always broods about the past and the old friends. hot. Waits for friends. Never looks for friends. Not aggressive unless provoked. Loves to be loved. Easily hurt but takes long to recover.
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AUGUST:
outgoing personality. takes risks. feeds on attention. no self control. kind hearted. self confident. loud and boisteroius. VERY revengeful. easy to get along with and talk to. has an "everything's peachy" attitude. loves screaming, talking and singing. loves music. daydreamer. easily distracted. loves to flirt. hates being left out. hates not being trusted. BIG imagination. loves to be loved. hates studying. in need of "that someone". longs for freedom. rebellious whe withheld or restricted. lives by "no pain no gain" caring. always a suspect. playful. mysterious. "charming" or "beautiful" to a specail person. stubborn. courious. independent. strong willed. a fighter.

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SEPTEMBER:
Suave and compromising. Careful, cautious and organized. Likes to point out people's mistakes. Likes to criticize. Stubborn. Quiet but able to talk well. Calm and cool. Kind and sympathetic. Concerned and detailed. Loyal and always honest. Does work well. Very confident. Sensitive. Positive Attitude. Thinking generous. Good memory. Clever and knowledgeable. Loves to look for information. Must control oneself when criticizing. Able to motivate oneself. Understanding. Fun to be around. Secretive. Loves sports, leisure and traveling. Hardly shows emotions. Tends to bottle up feelings. Very choosy, especially in relationships. Systematic. sexy but has brains.
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OCTOBER:
Loves to chat. Loves those who loves them. Loves to takes things at the center. Inner and physical beauty. Lies but doesn't pretend. Gets angry often. Treats friends importantly.Brave and fearless. Always making friends. Easily hurt but recovers easily. Daydreamer. Opinionated. Does not care of to control emotions. Unpredictable. Extremely smart.
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NOVEMBER:
Trustworthy and loyal.Very compassionate and caring.Wild at times.Knows how to have fun.Sexy and mystertious.Everyone is drawn towards your inner and outter beauty.Playful, secretive.Very emotional and takes alot to make angry.Meets new people easily.Fearless and ingependent.Can hold their own.Stands out in a crowd.Gets jealous easily.Essentially very smart
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DECEMBER:
Loyal and generous. sexy. Patriotic. Active in games and interactions. Impatient and hasty. Ambitious. Influential in organizations. Fun to be with. Loves to socialize. Loves praises. Loves attention. Loves to be loved. Honest and trustworthy. Not pretending

Mid Summer Review

2005-07-12T00:32:00.000-05:00

Lets see its been awhile since i wrote in here. Summer has been interesting i guess. I mean i got a cell phone, lost my place to live, got demoted at work. Yup interesting isnt it. I dont know. I mean there is alot going on in my head right now and im just fucking tired of thinking. I mean lets see. First the good things for the summer. I did get my cell phone, which is kinda fun, but yet i dont like phones i just enjoy hearing either "Big Poppa" or the law and order theme play when i get a call or voicemail. Its funny to me really. I won 500 bucks on a 5 dollar scratch ticket. That was very cool as well. Havent really used the money for much more then daily expenses, but its good since i wasnt getting checks from my job until this last week so i went a month without getting paid. Thats about it for the good things this summer.

Lets see, bad things. First off i get word that one of the guys i was suppsoed to live with this fall backed out, he knew 3 months ago, yet failed to let us know. Real cool isnt it? But you know what fuck it. Why should i care about anything anymore right? Right! So i have to try and find a place to stay, if i dont then its back to good ole tupper lake for another fucking year and if that happens i swear i will kill shoot someone or myself. Not sure which is more appealing yet. Sounds like fun doesnt it? Thought so. Then there is the comming back to work this year. Getting told im gonna be a ranger yet again, but oh nope sorry lost your application, your gonna have to be a different position this year. Oh dont worry its only a 2.50 an hour pay decrease. Thats not bad. Yea fuck you its not. Fuckers. I swear, if i could i would walk into the DEC office and slap some people around. Its all politics. So i just have to accept it aparently. God i hate small fucking towns. I need a place where i can go and just disappear. Somewhere where no one knows me, never wants too and i can just become a hermit or some shit like that. Atleast i wouldnt have to put up with the shit that i usually do. Man for someone who seems so cheery in person i definatly never write anything cheery in this blog do i? Nope never. Anyone who reads this stuff is used to it by now im sure. And if your not, then you obviously just dont know me. I dont know anymore. As i was just telling john, im in a cycle. And he was trying to tell me its a tupper problem. Makes ya feel like that. i told him i think this is a paul problem because the shit follows me whereever i fucking go. Was looking to do something this weekend with someone, got told a reason they couldnt. Strong belief however that it was a nice way of just saying no thanks. Thing is im used to it by now. But it still gets me. But whatever, their loss i guess. Whatever, im gonna say goodnight, but as a final word all i can say is "Man i want a fucking Ciggerette right now" but i wont, i cant.... can i?

2005-05-26T21:45:00.000-05:00

Boyz N' Tha Hood

2005-05-26T21:44:00.000-05:00

A nice Gentlemans Group

2005-05-26T21:41:00.000-05:00

Man i feel special.

2005-05-26T21:39:00.000-05:00

Waiting to begin

2005-05-26T21:36:00.000-05:00

Cutting the Cake.

2005-05-26T21:35:00.000-05:00

Mom and Dad.

2005-05-26T21:34:00.000-05:00

Best man, Obviously.

2005-05-26T21:33:00.000-05:00

After Ceremony

2005-05-26T21:31:00.000-05:00

Yup was actually dancing.

2005-05-26T21:30:00.000-05:00

First Dance

2005-05-26T21:29:00.000-05:00

Pimping without Shades

2005-05-26T21:27:00.000-05:00

Reception, Dans wedding

2005-05-26T21:26:00.000-05:00

Actually Dressed Up

2005-05-26T21:24:00.000-05:00

Dan and Isabelle, Wedding Ceremony

2005-05-26T21:23:00.000-05:00

Whos this Pimp??

2005-05-26T21:22:00.000-05:00

Sexy Beast

Few Quick things

2005-04-25T00:39:00.000-05:00

First off, sorry i havent written in awhile. Havent had that much to say about anything really. But ive had some thoughts on things recently and just figured i should jot them down real quick. I can go into detail tommorow.

First, my brothers wedding was last weekend. It was alot of fun and i had a really good time. In the next couple of days ill be posting some pictures from it so everyone can see. The wedding helped me with something. Its kind of weird. But it did. My brothers faith in me. My brother put me in charge of so many things for his wedding, so many responsibilities. And yes, i was nervous. I am always nervous. But I did them all, took care of everything so that my brother could have a great wedding, because he fucking deserved it. But just in the last week ive noticed something. Im not as nervous as i used to be. I dont worry as much. And i have a strong feeling that its because I was able to do so much for my brother. I had to give the first speech at the reception. I did, and later my brother and his wife came over to tell me that they were really surprised by my speech and it really made them feel good. Isabelle, actually told me it was the only time the whole day that she felt like crying. My brother told me he was surprised with how well i handled it, how i didnt rush things, i took my time, and delivered a very nice speech. That made me one of the happiest people there. Next day, i go to the brunch and sit next to dan and isabelle, they tell me they didnt realize how much stuff they actually had me do the day before and they were surprised i took care of everything for them. I told them it was nothing, and that i enjoyed doing it. Then i thought about it, i wasnt nervous when i was doing the things they asked. I was nervous before but once it hit, i did it no problems. And ive noticed a difference. I mean this weekend i went to the dome in syracuse to see the orange football team play a scrimmage. Normally i would have been nervous as hell going somewhere ive never been where alot of people would be. But not this time. I was calm as hell. And i couldnt understand why. But i have. Im not getting nervous about as much anymore. The wedding actually helped calm my nerves go figure.

The other thing i wanted to talk about really quick was that things fade. Everything fades, nothing is out of its reach. That includes friendships. Now i dont want people thinking things. Im just saying that with a couple people ive noticed the friendship wane. And its understandable. Im surprisingly ok with it. Im sure sometime down the road maybe the friendship can be ok again. Now dont get me wrong im not saying i hate these people and stuff, but its different now. Been that way for the last month or so and dont know why. Things just happen i suppose. I still enjoy hanging out with them and such. But its different, its hard to explain. I guess the easiest way would be to say the closeness is gone. Its become more of a hey how ya doin type of thing instead of a can i talk to you about something type. But its fine, and im fine with it. I just wanted to say that i cherrish all my friendships. Even ones i have with people i havent talked too in ages. Like Goose and steph. They are still my good friends. And that will never change. But at times, certain friendship fade, no matter how much we dont want them too. And this is one of those times. So ill just say goodbye for now. More on these subjects at a later time.

Quote

2005-02-27T06:43:00.000-05:00

I was looking at quotes and came across this one. I thought it was preatty accurate so why the hell not post it huh. Then a little rant from me.

"Please don't be fooled by me. Don't be fooled by the face I wear, for I wear a mask. I wear a thousand masks, masks that I'm afraid to take off and none of them are me. Pretending is an art that is second nature to me, but don't be fooled, for God's sake don't be fooled. I give you the impression I'm secure and that all is sunny and unruffled with me, within as well as without, that confidence is my name, coolness my game, that water is calm and I'm in command and that I need no one, but don't believe me, please don't believe me. My surface may be smooth, but my surface is a mask--my every varying and ever concealing mask. Beneath it dwells the real confusion, fear and aloneness. Beneath lies my smugness, my complacently, but I hide this--I don't want anyone to know it. I panic at the thought of my weakness and fear being exposed. That's why I frantically created a mask to hide behind-- nonchalant sophisticated facades to help me pretend-- to shield me from the glance that knows-- but such a glance is precisely my salvation, my only salvation and I know it. That is if it's followed by acceptance. If it's followed by love, it's the only thing that can liberate me from myself, from my own self built prison walls and from the barriers that I so painstakingly erect. It's the only thing that will assure me of what I cannot assure myself, that I'm really worth while, but I don't tell you this, I don't dare--I'm afraid to. I'm afraid that your glance will not be followed by acceptance and love. I'm afraid you'll think less of me and you'll laugh and your laugh will kill me. I'm afraid that deep down, I'm nothing and that I'm just no good and that you'll see this and reject me." -"Don't Be Fooled by Me," Charles C. Finn

I dont know, just havent been feeling right latley. So first let me say to everyone im sorry if im acting weird or strange latley. Just been one of those times. I talked to john tonight. Usually talking about shit helps, but it doesnt anymore. I cant explain it. Talking about things isnt helping anymore. I just continue to feel more and more lost, like im falling. But instead of slowing the decent by talking it seems to be speeding it up. I told john i was tired tonight. Tired of having to fight all the time. Tired of having to do what needs to be done. What it boils down to is that im basically tired of all life has to offer me. Its a scary thought. Actually being tired with life. Maybe i will get my will to fight for things back again someday, but i dont think it will be soon. Im afraid im lost. Lost in the oblivion that is my psyche. And good luck getting anything out of that place. Well, i dont know i should probably head to bed its almost 7am. So i will cut this short, and say goodnight, I will probably write about this in more detail soon. Adios all....

Invisible.....

2005-02-13T00:31:00.000-05:00

So lets see. I dont know, just been one of those times i guess. Let stuff build. Nothing major mind you, but just a bunch of shit build and let it fester internally, until finally i bust. Well it happend again tonight. Nothing bad happend either. I really shouldnt be mad, unhappy whatever im feeling. I dont even know. I just feel like i should be invisible, sometimes i wish i wasnt even around. I wish i could just vanish, as if i never existed. I dont know. I mean i dont make much of a difference either way. Im just here. Living. Doing the same thing day in, day out. Now dont get me wrong i love all my friends and dont know what i would do without them. But sometimes, like tonight i just wish i didnt exist. I just wish, i could go *Poof* and be gone. Tonight i went for a car ride, and while riding the thought that creeps into my head everytime i go for a ride to clear my mind came back into it again. I wanted to crash. I wanted to wrap my car around a fucking tree. I dont know why though, they just creep in there. What if... and then alot of scenarios play themselves out in my head. But they all end in me not being around anymore. I dont know this might not make any sense to people. But what im saying makes sense to me and really thats what this is for. For me to vent what i have on my mind and just let it out. If people read it, good. If not, just as well. Its just hard being this way. I have people telling me i need to stop keeping shit internally until i break like this but i cant. Its the way im fuckin built. I cant change who i am. So i will continue with this cycle for the rest of my life. That much i know. I just dont know how much longer it will be in oswego. I know i have one more year here, but after next year im thinking im gone. I think im going somewhere far away from here. Somewhere i can just relax for awhile and then get my life in order. i need to find i a place i can just fade away at. Find a place that even when im there, im not. You know those times in like movies and stuff that show people standing there and then they fade away? I know most of the time they are ghosts or imaginary things but i wish i could be that person. Just fade away. Is that wrong? I dont think so. Im just tired of dealing with shit. Im tired of everything.

Another thing that gets me is being told that im such a great guy all the time. I mean dont get me wrong, i know its supposed to be a compliment. But then people dont want anything to do with me. Honestly how great a guy can i be? I know. Im smart, charming, and have my times with being funny. And i care about what people think, i try to make sure everyone is happy. So i mean yea i guess im a great guy. I mean this has been getting me for awhile now. Its just something i cant grasp for the life of me. I dont know, i feel sometimes that my attitude and overall way about me is taken for granted. im sure it is. Now i dont want people to read this and be like oh god he is talking about me, he is pointing me out. Understand its no one person that brought this up. Its lots of things at lots of different times. I have more to say but im gonna stop for now. So i will leave with some lyrics from a goo goo dolls song.

And I wonder where these dreams go
When the world gets in your way
What's the point in all this screaming
No one's listening anyway

Goodnight....

2005-01-22T04:02:00.000-05:00

Last but not least. My Puppy!!!!!!!

2005-01-22T04:01:00.000-05:00

Doctor Dan. AKA: My Brother.

2005-01-22T04:00:00.000-05:00

Im so Ghetto it Hurts!

Another year older

2005-01-16T03:27:00.000-05:00

So im another year older today. Yup thats right im 23. Kinda old huh. Yea i know it is. Thing is, i should be happy. Be jumping around saying oh hell yes son! But im not. Not sure why either. I just know that the way im feeling is not the way im supposed to be feeling. And i mean i had a great night tonight. The guys took me to Johnny Rockets in Syracuse to celebrate my birthday since they had things to do tommorow. And I loved it, it was really fun. But yet im still not happy. I would say that honestly im in no way near a good place in my own head. But i cant fuckin explain it, and its buggin the hell out of me. What the hell am i missing, whats making me depressed and sad? Why cant i just be happy with the things i have now and not worry about anything else? I just cant understand it. I had fun with the guys, but by the time i got home i was kinda in a bad mood. Of course i play it off as being tired, but its not that. Its the fact that i cant understand how come im in the state that i am in. What did i do to deserve to be in this kind of mindset, Now of all times too. I mean sure birthdays got old at 16. I mean 18 i got to vote, oh boy thats something to look forward too (Note: Sarcasm). And at 21 i was able to drink legaly, but honestly that didnt change anything since i had been drinking long before that age anyways. So the last time a birthday had any real significance was 16. That honestly seems like a long time ago now. I dont know, its just weird. Ive gotten older, but yet, i havent. I havent changed at all. Im still the same person ive always been. Just a little louder now when it comes to dealing with people. But im still who ive always been. A clown, A leader, A confidant, and A Coward. Yea i understand, leader and coward sort of dont go together. But i can be both, just a different times.

I dont know, i just dont. Im honestly at a loss right now with what to say. I should probably just end it here and say that sad but true on my birthday, im depressed. I dont know what i wish anymore. I dont know what i want anymore. All i know is that im tired. Tired of being me...

Happy New Year!!!

2005-01-01T04:06:00.000-05:00

Happy New Year everyone. Im back with another little rant. So another year has passed. Another tick has gone on our life scales. And what have i learned this last year. Not much. Not much ever really changes in my life. Its sad, but its true. Every year i make new friends, i lose old friends. Its just the cycle of life really. This year i have become far more vocal. I know i used to be quiet about things. I have gotten away from that. Im sure that sometimes im viewed as being an asshole. And the thing is, im fine with that. I dont really care how im viewed anymore. Im me. Its all i will ever be, its all i can ever be. Asshole? Maybe. Honest and straightforward? You bet your ass. If people ask me what i think, you have opened the flood gates and prepare. Dont expect a sugar coated answer. I dont know. Im really just in a confused state really. I dont know why, but latley i have just sort of felt lost. I wish i could have staight answer as to why i cant focus on anything anymore, but i cant. I accept the fact that i just have alot of emotions and ideas flying through my brain. The problem is i cant really focus on any single thought for an extended period of time. My mind is just a big jumble of things. Soon enough im sure that everything will sort itself out. And i will be able to stop thinking for awhile again. Thats the only difference with me now. Im alot more forceful. Atleast i think i am. Things are changing. My mentallity about things are changing. I just dont know. Right now im sort of dying for a ciggerette. But i cant have them. I have been able to quit again and this time im going to stay with it even if it kills me, atleast thats what i want to do.

What do i see for the year ahead? Changes. Changes in lots of areas. Im not saying that massive things will happen, but i just see changes comming, and not all of them are going to actually deal with me. Its gonna be with the people around me too. But i just know that once people get settled into thier lives, start taking things for granted. Something happens, always does. A monkeywrench in the mix basically. I know im getting older, i mean hell ill be 23 in a couple weeks. And as i get older, i seem to change more and more. I just sit here and think sometimes, think about things. Am i where i wanted to be at this age? The first answer i got was scary, i didnt expect to be here at this age. When i was younger i figured i would die at 21. Why? Because i figured if all else failed i could do myself in. But i didnt, thank god. But the thing is when i was young i didnt have life dreams. I had dreams of a day. Not what to do when i grew up. I thought about what to do on a specific day, and none of them ran past the age 21. So i say, well i guess im where i thought id be. Thats the problem when you dont have dreams of life, but dreams of death when you are younger. But ive changed. Especially after my heart inceddent in november. I was a wreck then because i thought i was gonna die almost daily. It made me realize how much i take for granted. I mean i have great friends, and i love them dearly. But someday. They will be gone. I mean its starting already. Life is taking over. They graduate and then move on. Life has consummed them. And the older we get the more space will take over. And before i know it, its just gonna be me. Me, all by myself. Thinking well, this was fun. Then realizing that im still being a big kid. Because i will always be a big kid. I mean sure im getting far more cocky. Maybe its a good thing, maybe its a bad thing. But i dont care. Here is something for ya. I think im a great person. I have a great attitude about myself. I mean i think that any persons life that i touch is better off for it. I believe that i can make anyones day better just by being around. Why? Im infectious. I mean yea, not a looker. Whatever fine. I dont really care. Im intelligent, and ill be damned if im not a charismatic bastard too. Im quick witted. Sometimes the things i say seem mean, but anyone who knows me, knows what im saying is just a joke. They know my real stance on most things. Honestly i love the people i have met here in college. Bryan,Ryan,Lyndsay. Everyone thats still on campus. I love all you guys. But i know that in time distance will overtake us all. We will take from time to time, but it will never be the same. So i just want you all to know i really enjoyed our time together, and im happy you all crossed my path in my life. Old friends, new friends. If i consider you a friend, you are til death. If i called you friend at somepoint, and we have had our differences and falling out since then. Deep down your still a friend. I wish there were answers for the questions i ask myself. But there isnt. There never will be. Im afriad, afriad that for once i may be stuck in a state of helplessness. Stuck in a world without answers. Im sorry this rant doesnt make much sense. Its not that im in a bad place. Its more that im just so confused. I know it happens alot. But its a problem im sure most people of intellect have. They figure that things can be solved so you run the chances of everything in your head. Run the statistics of every possible outcome. And then start over. The problem is you get so many questions without answers that your brain starts running around in circles and your just along for the ride. Maybe after i sleep, ill be ok. Doubtfull, but one can always wish right? I dont know anymore. Im sorry everyone. Goodnight.

Rational Thought

2004-12-22T02:51:00.000-05:00

Alright, this is just a quick post. First liz, thanks for the comments on the poems i appreciated it. Secondly, whoever called themseleves rational thought. First you should understand those poems were written last spring when i was down, but i was over it before summer hit. Secondly i only put them up here for my friends to see, so they could see a different side of me if you will. Since not many of them would think i was capable of things like that. However, when you dont post as your real name it leads me to believe you were afraid of posting your real name with the comment you made. Whats wrong? Think it would make me mad or something? Trust me it takes alot more then that to make me mad in any way. However what did get to me is that you were so afraid to use your real name. So guess what i did. Thats right i searched your ip. Funny thing about posting a comment, its gives the ip address it came from. So i know your from SUNY Oswego. Guess what. It also gives me the person in charge of your account. And a phone number to contact them. Man the internet its great isnt it. So all im gonna ask is that you leave another comment telling me your name. I might take more stock in what was said if it didnt come from a Gutless wonder. With that being said. I am gonna ask that if anyone makes a comment they use their real name. I havent had a problem with it til now. Like i knew liz from what was under the name. So that was fine. But using something like rational thought not ok. And from this point on will be delted and the ip address will be banned. Simple end to the problem isnt it? Night all.

Poems

2004-12-12T17:59:00.000-05:00

Well i was discussing with the guys on campus about what i did for my english class, how i showed my teacher some of the poetry i had written and hoped he would count it towards the 25 pages i needed. Luckily he did. Well i know a couple of them said they wanted to read some of it sometime. So i figured id just post a majority of it today. I know that some of you guys have heard this stuff, seeing as most of it was from last spring. But for those who havent. Enjoy. Note to anyone reading i have about 20 of them. I am posting them all. You can feel free to read what ones you want. They shouldnt take that long to read. Thanks.

Alcoholic Requiem

I woke up too sick to get out of bed.
I was up too late dancing with the ghosts in my head.
drank too much wine and wished I were dead-
I was up too late dancing with the ghosts in my head.
I could be ok and not feel so wasted
if each ghost that spun me round the floor didn't wear your face.
so I spend the night in a melancholy place-
toasting each memory that I can't replace.
maybe one more drink can lay these ghosts to rest

Crushed

An undying need to suppress the angry flow of tears
That have gathered oh so willingly throughout the lonely years
And we fought them bravely, without a thought to our own fate
Without regard to our souls and the deaths they contemplate

I know sometimes it's hard to see what lies beyond your scope
Your vision blurry and mine's no better when it comes to having strength to cope
And all the problems of the world seem so petty compared to one grand scheme
A few emotions tangled in a web of dreary dreams

We walk on tiptoe through the castle, weary bones we are
The sounds of withered minds in the fury of the tempest of our hearts
Though I know someday we'll reach the end, and see the light afar...
I only wish sometime we'd stop to realize who we really are

Ugly deformations of a gift that was bestowed
Free will and domination of our bodies seems to be the only thrill we know
Oh, but of the music.... the tinkling, slamming beats
Our hearts forsake our bodies as we dance to the streaming melodies
Our ears the trivial things we take for granted as we listen to naught but enemies

Oh, hear the violins! The cellos! Hear their forlorn cry!
My muscles ache with their charming tune, so lonely, far, from I
The wars we've fought both with ourselves, and with those so innocent yet to speak...
The years we've wasted beyond our time, living our lives so very bleak!
My body has grown weak...

As I age, as a fine wine, my blood runs deeper than you could fathom or know
And with the time that passes it's only one more death toll on my conscience
I have to show...
And with the aching, oh so heartbreaking fear that lies within
I crawl to the safety of my bedcovers, hoping against all hopes some solace lies
there with my sins
With everything I've bound and trapped
With all the cold, cold winds

She follows me to my bed, and so, she'll comfort my guilt-laden soul
I slip into her arms so easily as the fire doth to the coals
The flames appease my sanity and relinquish every doubt
To the night of passion trodden memories that I've learned to live without

I awake, my dream so sudden, the life flows through my every vein
My heart pumping steadily to the ancient drums of those harmonic tunes again
The pauses shift my consciousness and I'm left to die, to wane
As such would your beauty, my rose... lift me up to the pain

I meet you with such glory, behold! the soft petals of your lips
It's everything I've seen with these jaded eyes... everything I've missed
The wars we fought together, oh... those days of glory lie still within my memory
I say to you, please let them stay, please let them comfort me

Hold me, please somebody let me know I'm not alone!
There's nothing more lonely in this life then to know my actions are not condoned
And though everything I do and say may seem to you, so wrong
I ask of you but this, dear seeker... I only wish to hold to that to which I do belong

So sweetly I shall melt for you, and so willingly I cherish your empty hands
They cradle my endearing face, they see my every wish, my demands
So tell me now, dear heart of mine, please fight with me again
Or shall you let me drop to land at your feet...
A humble servant, a suffering soul, an endless mound of pain
There's nothing worse, I think, than life so lonely yet again.

Darken Road

Life is like a darken road
when something comes near, your afraid
of what it might be
so you hurt it
instead of it hurting you
Life is like a darken road
eyes keep going by
faster and faster each time
Life is like a darken road
never knowing where your going
always wondering where you've been
Life is like a darken road
as long your blood keeps flowing
You have to keep going
Life is like a darken road

Despair

It’s cold here, and lonely
Rain spatters against the glass
Water washes, drips, and weeps
relentlessly rolling drops
They match the aching grief
Bleeding from my soul
Through dull and empty eyes.
I want to tell you I miss you
That I love you, I need you
That I just can’t breathe without you
But what would be the point
Pain won’t bring us back.
Instead I scream silently
Against dank and dreary glass
Listening to the sound of water
Streaming down the drain
A pseudo proxy waterfall
Of dark and deep despair.

Disarray

Walk on my heart,
I built a bridge just for you,
Still…It hurts.
It hurts because you do it nevertheless.

The tears never fall anymore,
I can’t allow them to,
Still…It hurts.
It hurts because you’ve changed my perception of this world.

My heart swirls in disarray,
Hoping you will change,
Still… It hurts.
It hurts because you don’t trust me.

Cannot change the way I feel at this moment,
Wanting your arms around me,
Still…It hurts.
It hurts because I love you.

Go

It’s not as though we’re perfect
It’s not as though it’s right
I cannot claim I’m flawless
But aren't we worth a fight?

I cannot walk away now
It's not all that I can't do
The only word I cannot say
Can't say goodbye to you

I should wish I'd never met you
Should close my eyes and pray
But my faith has all but left me
And I can't make it through the day

You gave me definition
I know now who I am
But in the empty moments
My self's not worth a damn.

Goodbye

There's nothing left now
Is there
So
Goodbye

You have drained me
I have no strength left to fight for you
To fight you

My throat hurts
With all the things I wish I'd said
But didn't

Bruised from this meaningless existence
I flee
But don't know where

Perhaps inside myself again
I thought I had escaped
Familiar territory

Hate Feelings

Still wide awake
It's been seventy two hours now
Almost delirious
And I'm still wondering how I can't sleep
I can't have that darkness
All I can do is think
All I can do is feel
I feel like dying
At least my eyes would close
Shut off my brain
This torment no one knows
All alone
Can't even walk
I hate to think
I hate to feel

Hollow

Every once in awhile you find something
Something that clicks and feels right
Something you’ve wished for
Someone you wanted with all your might

She walked in my life
Changed everything
And she leaves me
Like if I was nothing

I don’t know how to feel
I don’t know what to say
I feel used and desolate
Should I say fuck it come what may

What does the future hold for me?
Will I find her again?
The happiness I felt in her arms
Did it end even before it began?

Even now I wonder
If I was weak
Does that make her all powerful?
If so was she my peak

Is there no more to come?
No more to follow
Will I be alone forever?
And just be hollow

Hurt

Sitting here thinking of you
My mind wandering from all that was to all that has become
Thoughts filling every part of me
wondering what happened
What became of the friendship we shared
What happened to the devotion i had for one so important

My dreams only nightmares now
My sleep filled with what used to be loving thoughts
Now deep dark screams that echo through my head all day
My needs thrown out the window with a few short words
My heart stepped on and left to die slowly
My soul tattered remains of what was once a hopeful spirit

Thoughts wander now
unable to focus
My eyes unable to dry
My smiles, forced so that none know my inner torment
My laugh, raking nails upon a chalkboard
making myself feel as if i live a lie

What did i do to deserve a fate
From One whom i gave my heart to, my soul to, and told all my fears
Unable to move on yet not having a choice
missing You,
crying for You,
and dying inside

Its all in her Eyes

Its all in her eyes,
everything she is,
was, would, will,
could... be -
her wants, dreams, wishes;
her pain, hurts, sadness;
her heart, soul.

I see her smile,
though she isn't -
even when she is.

I feel her warmth
yet she's so terribly cold...
at least to herself
but not for me.

I know the 'love'
within her -
I know its there,
I 'see' it
with every look,
everyday and everywhere.
She can't hide from me -
anything from me,
just from herself.

She wants to give -
thinks that she doesn't,
can't, and won't ever... give.
Doesn't know how to,
nor just what to -
give or,
for all that matter,
be.
But she 'gives' so much
that she doesn't know...
she gives herself
to me...
ever and always -
with every look.

I know her 'fear'...
and the reasons - all the why's.
The lil lies she tells herself
and tries so hard to believe.
The tears held within,
all her 'moments' afraid.
Wishes - of stopping,
of wanting more,
and not knowing
what to say or do -
nor when to say or do
anything at all.

A woman now,
no more the child -
though the child was happy-
she can’t remember
what 'happy' was -
and the woman can't be,
won't be, isn't allowed -
to be,
or feel happy,
or anything at all
of herself -
by herself
though she isn't the cause,
just... the result.

She is so pretty -
inside, but she can't see
inside now...
nor believe,for it 'hurts' to believe
in anything, anyone...
all the time - anymore.
So hurt, by what she can't
control... and her life
just goes on and on.

I wish...
she could for but an instant
'see' herself - as I do...
through my eyes
and know - actually know,
the real woman she is,
how lovely she is,
and that I care,
and always will.

Lost Her Love

I lost her love,
and all I did was care.
I drove her away,
when I wanted was her near.
I tried to do right,
to give her it all.
I ended up doing wrong,
and failed heeding her call.

Why is it like this?
Why do I do this?
Why must my love life always be hit or miss?
What have I done?
What must I do?
To show I'm sorry for what I did to you?

She's gone now,
and its all my fault.
I've no one to blame,
now I'm out of her heart.
I betrayed her, failed her,
became the thing I hate.
Now no sorrys will do,
its now much too late.

I tried my best.
I fought and I struggled.
And yet I still end up getting in trouble.
When can I rest?
How do I end this fight?
When will I ever get this thing call love right?

She finally left,
and I stand all alone.
My heart will miss her,
and regret what I've done.
I hope that she's happy,
and she can make her life complete.
Now that she must do it,
with no help from me.

Love is….

Love is walking around the corner seeing you
standing there as surprised as I
Love is believing every single word spoken or just written
Love is wanting to hear your voice just to calmmy nerves
Love is always wanting to just know what is on your mind
Love is forgiving each other for mistakes no matter how dumb they were
Love is spending every waking moment with you on my mind
Love is falling asleep and dreaming of the day when our love will be together again
Love is being scared of being apart
Love is wanting everything to return to the way they were before
Love is wanting to do things you normally wouldn't do
Love is saying I Love You
Love is wanting to be together no matter the circumstances
Love is knowing that together you can overcome all problems
Love is wishing for your return
Love is wishing to hear your voice say Baby come get me
Love is wanting to hear you sayI Love You
Love is waiting for you Baby I love you and miss you

Love of a Lifetime

Turning back time to the moment when I first was led astray and captured by your love. Turning it back to a time when my love for you was so great...
...That I could bend the bars of this cage that I am trapped in.
...That I could leap from this mountain where my heart was left for dead.
...That there was nothing in this world that I couldn't do.
Vastness of my love for you has engulfed me again. The confusion that I
once felt is now gone. The smoke that once clouded my thoughts is now gone
like puffing circles of gray floating away on the shoulders of a breeze?

How could I live without your smile?
How could I exist without breathing you?
Like an echo in my mind your face flashes then fades.
I can't see anything but you. I can't feel anything but love for you.
I don't want to be anywhere, but with you.

How can time compete with the equation that is you?
It would take three lifetimes to calculate how much time it would
take to tell you how much I care...

For every thought that I have of you multiplied by the time between
thoughts that is divided by the sorrow for each second that I am away from
you but is then multiplied by the happiness that I feel when I see your
face once again, minus all the times we argue, plus all the times we kiss,
minus the hours we sleep alone, plus the seconds I spend holding you in my
arms, minus the time I blink, plus the times I gaze at you
just to look into those eyes...those hypnotic eyes and once lost in that
gaze all time stops and I can breath.. finally I can breath again and I can
say it--- I love you.. then another three lifetimes for the next I love you?

Never Knew

Aimlessly wandering down a solemn road of dread
Scathing thoughts of heartless footsteps I have tread
Motionless it seems my heart concealed in frozen time
You grasped my soul, poured out the bile, released a glimmer inside

Teeth that had snapped and gnarled now barred a silly grin
Sickened dead eyes of hell began to sparkle a glimmer within
Skeletal hands that once clawed all the screaming voices away
Warmly embraced a softer skin and a new place for my head to lay

Delusional amidst a dream of beauty and solitude
Wanting so much to believe in dreams that do come true
Solemnly I view the road that still runs out before me
Wondering forever lamenting, the me, she never knew

Parallel Universe

I realized something today,
Daytime doesn't approve my existence.
Everywhere I go,
Something goes wrong.
Either someone looks at me the wrong way,
Or the bench that I want to sit on, gets shitted on.

I also realized something else later tonight,
Nightlife is very torturous.
When I close my eyes,
Chaos reveals himself.
Loves echoes through my heart with a hollow song,
Hate enrages out of me, growing tiresome.

I dreamt one night,
Hell cannot torture me enough,
Heaven sings through my ears to let me hear,
The words to keep me awake.

I dreamt today,
Heaven cannot get me to accept,
Hell burns under me through my skin to make me feel,
The pain to keep me unconscious.

Life;
experience,
love,
friends,
purity.

Death,
pain,
sadness,
loneliness,
knowledge.

Right here, right now,
Am I dreaming?
Am I in a pandoras' box?
Waiting for my existence, to disintegrate.
Or am I in an institue?
Am I tied up and forced to see things?
Trying to understand what is real?

Funny,
How much Math and Science go along so well together,
Yet Math will disagree with Philosophy,
And Science will do the same with Beliefs.

Sad,
Everything is hidden away from beauty.
Never getting to see the ugliness of life.
Causing to turn the very sweetness to bitterness.
Becoming a beast.

Ironic,
Black and White,
not the same.
And Gray isn't accepted by either....

Have you tried touching your shadow,
In the brightest light over you?
Have you tried dreaming of falling to the ground,
Watching what happens when you hit it?

Can you picture the universe only existing,
In your mind?
And also your mind existing,
In the universe itself?

Is that what its called,
A Parallel Universe?

Sorrow

Desperate and alone,
Foolish for believing she’d change,
He learned the hard way...

Blow after blow,
Sting after sting,
He believes she loves him...

Heartache and fear,
They consume him,
He knows it will never change...

So why does he stay?
He stays because it is all that he knows...

Night after night,
And day after day,
Their lives will never change...

She does it out of love,
She says,
But he knows it is not true...

How could this be love?

Standing on Love

Standing on love’s precipice
Calling out your name
Aimlessly searching the caverns
Of your cold and empty heart.

Crawling on my knees
Begging for your embrace
Humiliation a close friend
Desire an everlasting foe.

Craving your caress
If only I could find your heart.
I crawl forever onwards
Deeper into the darkness.

A whisper of an embrace
Your heart beating against mine.
I have finally found you,
Or so I foolishly believe.

Withdrawing your heart
You leave me for dead.
Your hands push me away
I stumble over the edge,
Losing a love I never possessed.

To Cry

I cry myself to sleep at night.
Fighting with the tattered shreds of memories past.
Fighting to piece them together..fighting to make myself whole.
I fall into deep..dreamless sleeps..lonely..desolate..cold..
I wake alone..if I ever sleep...in order to wake..
My tortured soul..aching for your touch..
It's funny..I react differently everytime you leave..
Some nights..I'm happy..because I know I'll dream of you.
Others..I lay awake..wrestling with my demons..
And sometimes..I sleep..and fall into false pretents..
I fall into a world where your'e an arms legnth away.
Sometimes less.
I fall deep..and hard.
And waking hurts physically..
I wonder if dreams will ever be lived..
I wonder if I'll have to let go of you..as I have of everything
else that's ever mattered to me..
Either out of fear of loss..or fear of truth..
You say you'd never hurt me..and I believe you.
You tell me to trust in you..and I do.
And all the while..a part of me screams to be with you.
To be one with you.
To melt into you..and let everything else just..dissolve.
When you say goodnight...it tears my heart out.
I know..lonliness will follow.
I know I'll be cold..and in my solitude..never find comfort.
I know..nobody else loves me the way you do.
I know then..that I'm all I've got..
and your'e a thousand miles away....

Walking Away

I should have walked away,
That first day we sat and talked,

Instead I came to know the woman you'd become,
Even so...I should have walked away.

I should have walked away,
When our lips soon met,

When I saw the twinkle in your eyes, and the spirit that was you.
Still...I should have walked away.

I should have walked away,
And had I known the pain of losing you,

And though the pleasures we shared beyond any I have ever known,
Even so...I should have walked away.

I should have walked away,
That night I painted your portrait in my soul,

And though the memory still lingers even now,
I should have walked away.

I should have walked away,
Had I known I would come to love you as I did,

Knowing even then your love would never be,
I should have walked away.

I should have walked away,
I should have known this day would come.

I should have known I would one day feel this loss, this pain,
I should have walked away.

I should have, but I couldn't.

What Happend??

Whatever happened,
to the loves of my past?
Enshrined in my memory,
all imperfections masked.

Fond memories of love,
hope, passion and desire.
Left to wonder what happened,
why we drifted apart, what sparked her ire.

Was it something I did,
or didn't do?
Will it repeat itself,
in everything new?

Am I too intense, honest or unromantic?
Insensitive, demanding, needy or frantic?
Do I not listen?
Am I bad in the sack?
For everything I give, do I expect something back?

All of these questions,
no answers in sight.
The scars of my past,
illuminate the night.
As I lie in bed,
kept awake by the light,
my wounds are throbbing,
compelling me to take flight.

Alright, thats most of them i kept a couple out because they were a little too personal i felt. But there you go everyone. Enjoy.

Test night!!!!

2004-12-11T03:36:00.000-05:00

So i took some tests on Quizilla tonight since i was bored. Here are the results from them.

Werewolves of folklore differ greatly from modern
renditions seen in movies and shows. People
believed there were many ways to become
werewolves, such as drinking rainwater
collected in a wolf's pawprint, eating meat
gnawed on by a wolf, or being born with a full
set of teeth or covered in a caul. And unlike
movie werewolves, werewolves of old were
oftentimes harmless and highly honorable!
As a werewolf, you are loyal, strong and honorable,
and you will protect all you hold dear with
your very life. Although you are not a violent
individual at heart, you will fight for what
you believe in. You are a good friend and truly
are a wonderful person to be around.

Who is your inner Shapeshifter?
brought to you by Quizilla

Your element is Light: Innocent, beautiful,
kind-hearted and pure. You are so sweet your
almost angelic, you find joy in others
happiness and cannot stand to see anyone in
pain. You want to make everyone around you feel
good about themselves and if someone is upset
you can tend to become rather upset as well
which means you are sympathetic and raise
others above yourself. Being as kind and
good-natured as you are people have most likely
hurt you in the past but you pick yourself up
every time. You may look fragile but you are
stronger than most tend to see. Life is
beautiful no matter how you look at it and you
understand that people make mistakes, not
everyone is perfect. You try to see the good in
the bad which is a talent few posses, dont ever
let anyone change you. You truly have a
beautiful soul inside and a heart of gold.

.:-What is your true element?-:. -With Anime Pictures and detailed answers-
brought to you by Quizilla

Shakespeare: Sonnets. Everyone has heard of you,
and almost everybody can find something
touching in you. You are calm and control
yourself, even though your wisdom and your
messages are no lesser than those of others.

Which literature classic are you?
brought to you by Quizilla

D:

You take the Path of
Least Resistance.
Why make things hard for yourself? You are a
go-with-flow sort of person and
little gets to you. Why? Because it's all good,
right? They say the path of
least resistance is a straight line and that's
where you go, ever forward and
never looking back. It's good to keep the past
behind you, a quality far too
little people have these days. You know the past is
the past, but don't let
yourself forget it. You can't learn from your
mistakes if you don't remember
them. You're probably loved for your laid-back
frame of mind and easy-going
qualities , but you tend take the easy way out in
life and verge on lazy. Great
character is found through great challenges. You
most likely have the abilities
in you to succeed and over-come what life throws at
you. You just got get up and
face that challenge. You tend to lose your head in
bad situations because you
aren't used to them. And by the time you've found
the easiest way to master a
problem, you could've already taken care of it. Bad
things happen, difficult
situations come up, that's life. What matters is
that you rise to face those
challenges and you can do it. Never lose your
laid-back qualities as they will
help you greatly. Just step onto that hard road
every once in awhile and you'll
discover that with each stretch it becomes easier
and easier to over-come life's
hurdles.

What Path Do You Take In Life? [X]For Guys and Gals! Pics and Lengthy Results.[X]
brought to you by Quizilla

Red House Painters - Have You Forgotten?

Lyrics:

I can't let you be, cuz your beauty won't allow
me

Wrapped in white sheets like an angel from a
bedtime story

Shut out what they say, cuz your friends are fucked
up anyway

And when they come around, somehow they feel up and
you feel down

When we were kids, we hated things our parents
did

We listened low to Casey Casem's radio show

That's when friends were nice

And to think of them just makes you feel nice

The smell of grass in spring

In October leaves cover everything

Have you forgotten how to love yourself?

I cant believe all the good things that you do for
me

Sit back in the chair like a princess from a far
away place

Nobodys nice when you hold her your heart turns
twice

Shut out what they say their too dumb to need it
anyway

When we were kids, we hated things our sisters
did

Backyard summer pools and Christmases were
beautiful

And the sentiment of colored mirrored ornaments

And the open drapes looked out on frozen farmhouse
landscapes

Have you forgotten how to love yourself?

Have you forgotten how to love yourself?

What's Your Theme Song?
brought to you by Quizilla

Alright thats enough for tonight. Night all.

Ode to the nice guys

2004-12-07T00:08:00.000-05:00

So ryan sent me this rant tonight. And after the converstaions i have gotten into over the last on about nice guys i just couldnt help myself i have to post it.

Ode to the Nice Guys
This rant was written for the Wharton Undergraduate Journal

This is a tribute to the nice guys. The nice guys that finish last, that never become more than friends, that endure hours of whining and bitching about what assholes guys are, while disproving the very point. This is dedicated to those guys who always provide a shoulder to lean on but restrain themselves to tentative hugs, those guys who hold open doors and give reassuring pats on the back and sit patiently outside the changing room at department stores. This is in honor of the guys that obligingly reiterate how cute/beautiful/smart/funny/sexy their female friends are at the appropriate moment, because they know most girls need that litany of support. This is in honor of the guys with open minds, with laid-back attitudes, with honest concern. This is in honor of the guys who respect a girl’s every facet, from her privacy to her theology to her clothing style.

This is for the guys who escort their drunk, bewildered female friends back from parties and never take advantage once they’re at her door, for the guys who accompany girls to bars as buffers against the rest of the creepy male population, for the guys who know a girl is fishing for compliments but give them out anyway, for the guys who always play by the rules in a game where the rules favor cheaters, for the guys who are accredited as boyfriend material but somehow don’t end up being boyfriends, for all the nice guys who are overlooked, underestimated, and unappreciated, for all the nice guys who are manipulated, misled, and unjustly abandoned, this is for you.

This is for that time she left 40 urgent messages on your cell phone, and when you called her back, she spent three hours painstakingly dissecting two sentences her boyfriend said to her over dinner. And even though you thought her boyfriend was a chump and a jerk, you assured her that it was all ok and she shouldn’t worry about it. This is for that time she interrupted the best killing spree you’d ever orchestrated in GTA3 to rant about a rumor that romantically linked her and the guy she thinks is the most repulsive person in the world. And even though you thought it was immature and you had nothing against the guy, you paused the game for two hours and helped her concoct a counter-rumor to spread around the floor. This is also for that time she didn’t have a date, so after numerous vows that there was nothing “serious” between the two of you, she dragged you to a party where you knew nobody, the beer was awful, and she flirted shamelessly with you, justifying each fit of reckless teasing by announcing to everyone: “oh, but we’re just friends!” And even though you were invited purely as a symbolic warm body for her ego, you went anyways. Because you’re nice like that.

The nice guys don’t often get credit where credit is due. And perhaps more disturbing, the nice guys don’t seem to get laid as often as they should. And I wish I could logically explain this trend, but I can’t. From what I have observed on campus and what I have learned from talking to friends at other schools and in the workplace, the only conclusion I can form is that many girls are just illogical, manipulative bitches. Many of them claim they just want to date a nice guy, but when presented with such a specimen, they say irrational, confusing things such as “oh, he’s too nice to date” or “he would be a good boyfriend but he’s not for me” or “he already puts up with so much from me, I couldn’t possibly ask him out!” or the most frustrating of all: “no, it would ruin our friendship.” Yet, they continue to lament the lack of datable men in the world, and they expect their too-nice-to-date male friends to sympathize and apologize for the men that are jerks. Sorry, guys, girls like that are beyond my ability to fathom. I can’t figure out why the connection breaks down between what they say (I want a nice guy!) and what they do (I’m going to sleep with this complete ass now!). But one thing I can do, is say that the nice-guy-finishes-last phenomenon doesn’t last forever. There are definitely many girls who grow out of that train of thought and realize they should be dating the nice guys, not taking them for granted. The tricky part is finding those girls, and even trickier, finding the ones that are single.

So, until those girls are found, I propose a toast to all the nice guys. You know who you are, and I know you’re sick of hearing yourself described as ubiquitously nice. But the truth of the matter is, the world needs your patience in the department store, your holding open of doors, your party escorting services, your propensity to be a sucker for a pretty smile. For all the crazy, inane, absurd things you tolerate, for all the situations where you are the faceless, nameless hero, my accolades, my acknowledgement, and my gratitude go out to you. You do have credibility in this society, and your well deserved vindication is coming.

Ok, so lets see here. I wouldnt say that nice guys go out looking for the credit of being a nice guy. Most of us just are. Its who we are and its what we will always be. Quiet frankly i just enjoy the ending. "You do have credibility in this society, and your well deserved vindication is comming" I doubt its true but its nice to believe isnt it? That someday, somewhere. The nice guys will get recognized as being actual men. My thought is that most of the time nice guys arent thought of as real men. Why? Because they are too sensitive of course. I mean what girl wants to be with a senisitive guy? Right? What they fail to grasp is that in reality, a place few people live, i gathe. The senisitive guys are in fact the real men. Why is that? Because we put up with the shit that is dealt to us everyday, and we do it with a smile. Just because we dont act like pompus assholes all the time doesnt make us less of a man. The fact that we are nice and geinuine is what makes us men. The fact that no matter what someone needs we are there, that makes us men. And dont lie, every girl knows there are times where they wish that their guy actually had a sensistive side. I know that there is no girl who is like oh man, i need me a guy who has nothing but attitude with me. I want him to tell me off all the time, and being super controlling it will be awesome. Bullshit. Girls are always looking for the perfect man. Well i hate to be the bearer of bad news but guess what. Not a single man is perfect. Not even the nice guys. We have our flaws. And all the girls have their flaws too. So for those of you looking for mr. or mrs. perfect. Give up the dream they dont exist. What does exist are people who try to be the best they can be, those are as close as you will come to perfect in this messed up world. Hopefully everyone finds their least fucked up significant other at somepoint. Night all.

Watch out its me...

2004-11-14T01:56:00.000-05:00

Hey everybody. Its just me again. Here to write yet another rant. What to write about tonight. Well i know i have a couple things to say. First off, i went back home on thursday, because i had a doctors appointment on friday for more things with my heart. I had fun on thursday night, i went for a ride with Huv. Havent done that in awhile and i really missed it. We talked about the shit going on in our lives and what we have done this fall. Him working at a prision and me with my school work and shit. I was happy i could talk with him, since i had alot to talk about. Then the next day i went to the doctors, they agreed with the previous diagnosis, that my pains are brought on by stress that i am causing myself. My doctor told me that he has known me since i was young, and that i am one of those people who needs a little stress in their life to function. Which i guess i can see as true. He said my problem is that im not being able to controll my stress this time and that it has gotten so big that its truely causing physical problems. He told me that i needed to figure out what the stress was and try to get rid of it. So i did. Ive worked on getting rid of it since i got back last night. First the ride with bryan to discuss a few things, then tonight with lyndsay. They both had to be done and i actually felt better after the talks. The problem i was having was that i had feelings for Lyndsay. And the only right thing to do was talk it over with bryan, let him know what i was feeling. I mean he did date lyndsay for 2 years. And since he is one of my brothers its only right that i tell him and get his blessing. So me and him talked about that last night. And honestly i was kind of surprised but he gave me his blessing. I told him i was kind of surprised. But i greatly appreciated it. I knew ahead of time that this wasnt going to go far, but having his blessing made me feel better. Since i had actually felt guilty about it for like a week now. Then tonight I talked with lyndsay about it. And she said that she was afraid that our friendship was going to change because of this and that she didnt want that. And i agreed the last thing i wanted was to hurt the friendship we already have. And of course i got the answer i expected going in. So it wasnt a big shock really. I got the Too good a friends, i dont think of you that way speech. Which is fine, i can accept that. But it just makes me want to take a look at myself. Step back and say what the hell do i do. Why is it everytime i tell someone i care about them i get that fucking speech? Maybe i need to be less of a good friend, i dont fucking know. Im not going to lie, im getting sick and tired of hearing the same thing every single time. Cant someone make up something original, like im going to die in 10 days so it wouldnt matter. Or Im moving tommorow. The friend speech is getting old. Now dont get me wrong, i dont think lyndsay gave me a line of bull, i understand what she was saying. Its just im tired of hearing it. Am i too nice a guy?? Is this my problem?? I never in my life thought that being too nice a guy could in fact fuck you over. But throughout my life ive been walked, walked over on so many occasions its just getting old. I dont want anyone to get the wrong idea. Im not bitching about lyndsay in any way. I love the friendship we have and i dont want that to ever change because of these feelings either. But it just got to me. Yea i told her it didnt, of course im going to say that. She even knew, she said are you just giving me the "I'M paul and i can handle anything attitude again" I said no, doubt she believed me but we dropped it. Which i appreciated. We still hung out afterwards. Went and played the dancing game. I had fun. And i thought you know what, maybe i will be alright. But afterwards, it just hit me as i was driving around after i left her place. Damn my mind! I just kept thinking to myself, what is it about me that scream friend. What the hell, do i do that makes it friend? I get that excuse everytime. EVERYTIME! I dont know. I mean i expected it this time. I even told her, when she said she was flatterd and she didnt really know what to say. I told her right there i knew what was comming and she didnt have to sugar coat it. Once you have heard the speech enough you know when its comming, you see it a mile away. I just dont know anymore. I am going to take a look at myself and say what can i do differently now. What about me do i need to change?? I mean i know, im not the most attractive person. And i know that. Man do i know that. But i would like to think im not completley ugly. I would like to think i have some very good charecteristics. Im sure i have my downsides, but i would think that i would be a decent person to be with. I dont know, im just a little lost right now. Not sure what to do. I think im going to go for a ride again. I need a couple cigs. Calm myself down before bed. I hope i sleep tonight. Well, thats all for now. Goodnight everyone....

Nice Guys Finish Last

2004-11-09T16:04:00.000-05:00

So ryan sent me a link to this rant from a guy named Garrett Hols. I thought it was great and dead on accurate. So here ya go.

NICE GUYS FINISH LAST

By: Garrett Hols

It’s amazing that assholes can get girls. Actually, now that I think of it, it’s not that amazing. They are assholes at heart, but to meet girls they lavish their undying love. IT’S A CHARADE. They act nice, friendly, and they listen… until they get into what they’re after. Their prey thinks they are in love with them, however when they realize what assholes their predators really are, they pretend like the asshole is really nice inside. The girl tries to change the asshole into a nice guy, but assholes will always be assholes. She gets upset and goes to the nice guy to complain about the asshole. But she claims to love the asshole… now this is where the theory begins. She doesn’t want to look like she is easy so she wont dump the asshole right away, instead she will stay with the asshole. Girls are idiots. They don’t realize that the nice guy has been there all along. He never had to pretend to be a good guy to get girls because he is naturally like that. However, girls don’t see it for some reason or another. They look at the nice guy as a friend, a trusted companion to whom they can tell their sad story to about their asshole boyfriend. But the nice guy isn’t THAT naïve. He was trying to score with the girl he listens to all along. The problem is that since he is a nice guy he keeps listening. Since girls get attached to things that pay attention to them, they think of the nice guy as a friend. A FRIEND. They don’t say, “Oh he’s hot” or “I want to have his children” about the nice guy, they just want the emotional support. When they get the emotional support from the nice guy, they don’t need it from the asshole. The nice guy gets the shit end of the stick while the asshole gets all the action. I am starting to wonder if being a nice guy is really the route to take to get action… I have been down this path for all of my post-pubescent life and it has gotten me NOWHERE… at least not in the women department. Perhaps another reason why girls fall for the asshole is because assholes ignore the girl they are with. The women wonder, “Why isn’t he paying attention to me?” so they explore why. They poke and prod and get closer to the asshole. They start to get easier with each attempt to get closer. The asshole finally says, “I’ve let this beauty dangle long enough, time to boat this bass”. It is then he puts on his charade and the girl feels like she has won him… even thought all she has won is an asshole. Once you have gone down the path as a nice guy or a “listener” you can’t turn back. The girl will always go after the assholes because there are always nice guys there to listen. Once you realize that you are a “listener” you cant do anything about it… just pack up and close shop. There is no way you will get into her pants… ever. There is and never will be a situation where the nice guy will get the girl he has a crush on. It just doesn’t work like that. The girl wont “come to her senses” and realize what an asshole her boyfriend is like in the movies… instead she will just go after another asshole, and unless you stop being a nice guy, she will never go after you. Women complain that there are no nice guys in the world. Right. They are obviously not looking hard enough because there are nice guys EVERYWHERE!!!! Girls aren’t looking for nice guys… they say they are but they’re not. They are looking for the perfect asshole, but there is NO SUCH THING as the perfect asshole. All in all, the nice guy gets the shaft. To all the girls out there with boyfriends that don’t treat you with respect, that don’t listen to you, and that don’t care about you I say this; look next to you. The guy that has been standing next to you the whole time is the guy you have been looking for. He is what you want your asshole to be like. He knows more about you than you know about yourself… because he has listened to it all.

Later All

Just some thoughts

2004-11-08T01:46:00.000-05:00

Hey everyone, its time for another rant from yours truley. Lets see what to say. First off i notice ive been writting far more in my blog latley, unsure if thats a good thing or a bad thing. Anyways i know there are people out there who read this so i will say thanks for taking the time to read whatever stuff i decide to rant about at times. Also thanks to everyone for the messages after reading my blog about my heart condition. It made me really happy to know there are people out there who care. I appreciate what everyone said to me and it really ment alot to me. On that note actually i am going back to tupper on thursday. Got a doctors appointment on friday to get some of those tests done and whatnot. Have the doctor prescribe some pill to make me calm. Hopes its a good drug.

Alright well now that ive gotten that out of the way. Lets see what else has been going on lately. Well Bryan, Lyndsay and Ryan all told me in the last week that i had a good singing voice. Which i appreciate. Its one of the few things out there that i really love to do, and having people tell you that you are good at it just makes it better. I enjoy singing, its an outlet. Something to do to calm the mind, calm everything actually. So i sing, i sing whenever i can. Why because i love too. And for those of you who actually havent heard me sing, maybe someday you will, if you do, i would love your input.

I dont know really, in case ya cant tell my mind is just running around, not being able to focus on anything for any real amount of time tonight. Sometimes i go back to thinking about what my dad once told me. "Paul, your just like me and your brother. We are each a lone wolf" I might have talked about this before i dont know. But i think about what he said. And what was ment by it. He told me its that we dont ever really need anyone else, we can fend for ourselves. Now dont get me wrong, i love my friends, and i would do anything for them and they know that. But there are times where i just need to be alone. Times to just chill by myself. And those times are frequent. I mean i know he was saying that if need be i would be able to just stand up take controll and make everything run. He told me that i was a born leader. Yea, thats right me, a born leader. Most of you that know me im so laid back i dont like to make any decisions. And i have my reasons for that. Im not going to lie and tell you i dont think i am a born leader. Honestly, i sort of do. I feel that at any time i could take controll with a cool head and figure out what needs to be done. Confidence, Arrogance.. Call it what you will. I just know that someday when the time comes, and i need to act. I will. People wont know what hit them. Ill turn it on, and go from laid back to take command. I just stay laid back because its easier that way right now. I mean i dont even like to make the decision where we are gonna eat. Why?? Because i dont want to make someone unhappy.

Now maybe you are thinking well a true leader needs to look at the big picture and not worry about each person. That is true. But isnt it easier to get everyone to work together when they are happy. I mean look at where i work during the summer. This last summer this girl came in and none of us liked her. Why? She was a bitch, plain and simple. So i mean we dealt with her. But none of us really treated her like one of the group. Within a month she quit, thank god. Maybe you think its mean of me to say. I just dont care anymore. No more pulling punches. Im just gonna speak my fuckin mind now. She was a bitch and my life is better that i didnt have to deal with her that long. But see, the rest of us are happy when we are working together. It makes work so much easier that way. We can work to achieve the main goal much easier when we are enjoying each others company and when we are happy hanging out together. I dont maybe it was just me that felt that way. But the summer crew sort of seems like family. And thats why we do such a fuckin fantastic job each summer. Which is why i figure not to tip the boat that often with things, not unless it needs to be done. Happy people work together easier. At this point your probably saying what is the big picture that you are working towards to not try and piss anyone off. The big picture is a happy life, thats what.

If you go around making other people unhappy, go around being an asshole or in the female case, Bitch. You wont make many good friends. Sure youll have aquentances but how many people will ever really call you friend? Why would they if all you do is make them mad or angry? I dont know i just got alot of shit on my mind. I know this rant might not make much sense to people but i understand it, and frankly thats all that matters.

After the scare i have decided i want to enjoy my life more. I know ive lived most of my life in a shell. I will admit it i probably have a social phobia. But you know what, fuck that. I can fight that. I can learn to get over it. And Damn it im going to try. Im tired of my shell. Im tired of alot of shit. Actually life in general makes me tired. The strain of just everyday life just gets to me sometimes. I know we all have those days where we dont want to get up out of bed for one reason or another. Sometimes we dont want to get up becasue we know we made mistakes the day before and we figure if we dont get up, you dont have to deal with the after effects. But thats not true, you deal with it, just later then you would have before. Ive decided there is no point in running from anything anymore. Any issues anyone has with me, any thing at all. I will take it head on. No more beating aroud the bush, no more trying to skirt around the situation. Fuck that. No point in it, all you ever do is delay the inevitable. And frankly im tired of running from shit. Might as well just let it try to over power me head on instead of flanking me from the side. Anything that tries to take me head on is in for a battle. Its time to become a rock. Not only for myself, but for everyone around me. Its time to be what i always was supposed to be. Time to start ascerting myself more. Time to be the leader that my dad and brother believe me to be. Not only for them, but for myself as well. Who knows maybe tommorow ill wake up and think, fuck it who wants to be a leader anyways. But chances are im gonna get up tommorow and say its time paul. Time to take controll of your life and not just coast through it on whatever intellect you may have, or any good personality traits you may posses. Its time to work for whatever you want in life. Yes.....Its time.

Goodnight everyone, and thanks for taking the time to read my rants. Im sure ill write again soon.

Time to explain

2004-11-03T01:39:00.000-05:00

Alright, i figure its time i explain whats been going on with me. Just so everyone knows. I didnt want to tell anyone before this because i didnt want anyone to worry and i didnt want any lectures. The only one to really know about this before today was Lyndsay. Because i made her promise me some things.

Anyways, im sure some of you know about the pains that ive had in my chest before. They date back to January actually. Back to that faithful night of king of the mountain on campus. Since that night ive had pains everynow and then. I know that night i worried some people with my chest pains, but i did what i always do, ignore it. Tell myself if i dont think about it, it will go away. Well sadly this one didnt. The pains kept comming. Sparadic at first, like once a month really. Then begining of summer, started a little more frequently, like once every two weeks or so. But i just figured, its nothing big, ill let it go. Why should i worry, if something happens. It happens. Case closed. One of those if i go, atleast i had fun attitudes. And well, since the begining of october ive had these pains daily. Atleast once a day. And latley they had become even more frequent, ive had them up to 6 times in a day. I knew i was in trouble. I figured i had done so much shit to my body that ive already gone and destroyed it. And now i pay the price. If ive seemed off latley to anyone i apologize. Ive just been worried. Worried that anyday the big one would happen and i wouldnt see anyone anymore. That i would drop and that my story would end there. And im not going to lie, its hard comming to terms with thoughts like that. Its difficult thinking to yourself, well if it happens there isnt anything you can do about it and you knew before this was going to happen but you did nothing to stop it. And the thing is, i was scared shitless about it, but for some reason i was still willing to put it off. I know why. Fear. Its plain and simple the longer i dont do anything about it, i dont have to be afraid. Because i figured when i got it checked i was in some serious shit. That my lifestyle was going to change dramaticly and i wasnt ready for that. I mean sure, ive been making little changes here and there. Its a start at least right?? I mean shit i cant do everything so quickly. But ive cut down on soda, ive been trying some new foods. Been lifting with bryan. Dance game with Lyndsay. Honestly, im being as active as i can. Or atleast trying to be. I figure i need to get back into shape just to be prepared. Well after talking to Lyndsay on Halloween about it and asking her that if something were to happen to me that she notify my friends so they know. That was the first she had heard of my problem really and how scared i was. But she agreed with the condition i get it checked out during thanksgiving break. So i agreed. Became scared shitless but i agreed.

Alright first let me talk about the pain. It comes and goes and i cant find one fucking thing that it has in common when it happens. Sometimes im sitting watching tv, other times im driving. Shit it tends to happen when im laying down to go to sleep, almost nightly now without fail. Sometimes its a stabbing pain, other times its a dull pain. Sometimes my left arm goes numb, sometimes it has a stabbing pain shoot down it when the pain comes. It just varies so much. I couldnt put a fucking idea to it.

Well anyways, i called home last night and asked my mom to make an appointment with the doctor for when i come home. She wanted to know why, which is fine. But i simply told her that if i explained it she would just worry more so its better to just go with a cold. Well needless to say she didnt much care for that, so she called dad, At work no less. So i get a call from him saying she is nervous as hell and i need to tell him whats going on. So i told him so he could tell her it wasnt that bad. Even if it was. Well after talking to him, who does he call?? Dr. Dan. Thats right my older brother whos in his last year of grad school. He calls me up now asking about the symptoms and such. I talk to him about it for about half an hour. At the end he says he believes it might be stress. But that i should still get it checked out so we can be sure. I said alright and thank you. So today my dad calls, tells me the hospital wont make an appointment for me they want me to see someone here today. I said dad i can wait for a few days just tell them to make the appointment. He calls back a couple mins later saying none of them will make it. And that i should go to the emergency room here in town. I told him i didnt want to go alone, so he said he would call my brother and have him go with me. Now im not going to lie, thinking about this shit latley has made me cry mulitple times. Atleast 2 times today even. Its just scary thinking you have fucked up so bad that if one thing goes wrong you could pass away. So i called lyndsay to tell her that i couldnt hang out with her later because i had to go to the hospital and everything and my brother was going to take me. Well about 430 i get a phone call, its lyndsay replying to my message. Asking if im alright and whats wrong. So i told her my brother was supposed to take me but we havent heard from him. She tells me she will take me to the hospital and she will be over in 10 mins. As she gets there my brother calls to see whats going on. I told him that lyndsay is going to take me to the doctors and that i will call him when i get back to let him know what happend. I mean shit, right now im still getting teary eyed just thinkin about it. Anyways lyndsay takes me to the hospital and waits with me and everything. Trying to keep it lighthearted and stuff to take my mind off things, which i appreciate greatly. So i go through some test, Get an EKG, x-rays, blood work. Talked to two different doctors. And here is the kicker, Lyndsay asked more questions to the doctors then I did. Which i also appreciated, i was happy one of us knew what they were doing around here. So after two hours of waiting and tests. They said i was in good health, everything came back normal. Then the doctor asked me about stress and if i was stressed. I said i guess maybe a little, but that i didnt think it was that bad. So he asked lyndsay. She said she thought so, probably. And he said he felt it was stress induced. That i was so stressed i was doing this to myself. They want me to get more tests done at home so i will next week. Want my cholestoral checked and things such as that. But for today we left knowing that it wasnt like i was having mini heart attacks and that i just need to start relaxing more. Which i plan to do. All i can say is Thank You Lyndsay. It really ment alot to me that you would do this for me. I greatly appreciate it. I mean sure i could tell ya what i did afterwards. But that would make me sound foolish. Eh fuck it ill tell ya. I got wendys then went and played the dancing game with lyndsay. Thats right i was terrified about my heart, and then i got good news i went to eat more grease and then do some exercise. What am i stupid? Nah i was in a celebritory mood. I was exstatic that it wasnt what i feared. Sure it still hurts sometimes, actually it hurt during this writing. But i will be able to controll it in time. And thats what matters.

The basic thing is that being as afraid as i was has made me think about things. I may try changing some things about myself. Nothing major. But i mean i may start doing some things differently, or atleast try too. When i was a teenager my philosophy was fuck it, ill die young who cares. Shit when i was suicidal my plan was to be dead by 22 anyways. I figured if i made it that far, i would just blow my head off. Nice thoughts when your a teenager isnt it? Yea i thought so. Anyways now here i am, 22, and i want to live more than anything. Death scares. Terrifies me. I want to live forever now. The last thing i need is to be stuck in nothingness. Im worried that when i die, ill roam the earth forever. One thing i know. If theres a heaven i aint going to be allowed there, not for some of the things ive done. Lets just say there are things ive done no one knows about. And its gonna stay that way, but i know that with them i aint going to no heaven. And hell, well hell will be packed to start with. But the last thing i need is to be force feed vegtables for the rest of eternity. I dont know. Im still scared. But atleast i can tell myself its going to be alright. At some point i will be fine again. At somepoint all the pain will just fade away. And when that happens, it will be euphoric.

Sorry about the long rant. But i just figured that i should get it out in the open. I know lyndsay wasnt sure if i wanted anyone else knowing about it, so she didnt tell anyone. And i appreciate that, i knew i would tell people in time, when i was ready. But i needed someone to know, incase it happend. And on that note its bed time. Goodnight everybody. And one more time THANK YOU LYNDSAY FOR EVERYTHING!!!

One of those days.

2004-10-27T23:43:00.000-05:00

I dont really have much to say. Its just been one of those days where ive had trouble focusing on much. I cant really explain anything that my mind is thinking right now. I have ideas as to why, but they just dont make any fucking sense to me. Tonight i wrote something. And i figured why not just put it in here. So here you go.

Why?
Whatever happened,
to the loves of my past?
Enshrined in my memory,
all imperfections masked.

Fond memories of love,
hope, passion and desire.
Left to wonder what happened,
why we drifted apart, what sparked her ire.

Was it something I did,
or didn't do?
Will it repeat itself,
in everything new?

Am I too intense, honest or unromantic?
Insensitive, demanding, needy or frantic?
Do I not listen?
Am I bad in the sack?
For everything I give,
do I expect something back?

All of these questions,
no answers in sight.
The scars of my past,
illuminate the night.
As I lie in bed,
kept awake by the light,
my wounds are throbbing,
compelling me to take flight.

Anyways, thats all. I will write again soon.

Its about that time

2004-10-26T23:07:00.000-05:00

Well i figured its about time write in the blog again, before i get yelled at for not updating again. So lets see whats happend in the last while. Lets see...

Well i did have alot of fun this last weekend. On friday i went over to lyndsays and we went to get me a pumpkin to carve. Of course while pulling into price chopper, she jokes i parked too far away to steal the pumpkin, i explained if im going to jail its for something more then theft, you know, like murder maybe. But anyways, so we pick out a pumpkin and head back to the house, but after eating there wasnt enough time to carve before we left for the Trail of Terror. So lyndsay went and woke up Tegan and once she was ready off we went. On the way there, we discussed why it is that guys dont ask for directions when going somewhere if they dont know where it is. I simply said its simple, Its a pride thing, and if we cant find the place, it aint there. Its that simple. Well we found the place, luckily. So we walk onto the farm and look around. There is two long lines of people, a big bon-fire and and big movie screen playing a horror movie. So lyndsay asks someone where we are supposed to go and she points us to the ticket counter. There we all decide to get the bloodbath, which is all three parts they are offering for 12 bucks. It was a good deal. So after we get our tickets we decide to do the seance room first since there really wasnt a line there. Good idea on our part, sort of work our way up to the big finish. The seance room was well made, it was basically what i expected. But i did enjoy the fact that both the girls screamed alot in there. Made me laugh a little. Just a litte. Well, after that we decide to go take the actual trail of terror out in the woods. They take us in groups of like 15 or so. So it wasnt that bad. So we get ready to head into the woods, tegan wraps her arm around mine, and then lyndsay grabs the arm to hold onto. Since as we all know im gonna have to be the protector. Man its hard having to be the male (Sense the sarcasm). So we go through the trail and of course they have skits where people talk, and you know its to get you to focus there so someone can run up from behind on ya. But its all in good fun. So as we are going through it, this guy dressed as a wolfman decides to basically stalk lyndsay. He just stands in their way and starts walking backwards. So we walk faster and get past him. Im not gonna lie, if i was one of those guys i would definatly mess with the highly attractive females myself. Why wouldnt ya. So i cant blame him i guess. lol. Anyways we get near the end and this guy in a jason mask with a chainsaw is chasing people. Of course he picks groups of people to try and separate them. It was just fun watching. Of course that whole time i was laughing far more then i was being scared. Just watching Tegan and Lyndsay scream and cower so much was kind of funny. So trail of terror over. That means we have the Inside maze left. Yup thats right, best for last. Did we know it at the time, nope, but im sure we are all glad that was the last one we did. So we wait in line and we know we are going to be in the next group, near the back of course. And I was fine with that of course. But Lyndsay and Tegan wanted to be first, and of course as luck would have it as they are talking about it, the people up front ask if anyone wants to lead. So of course They yell out that we do. So of course we take the lead. And i had a bad feeling, but i just went with it, what else could i do. So as we head inside the guy hands Tegan a rope and says head to the black curtain and stop, you are the leader. She started to head to the curtain, but once she got there she handed me the front and got behind Lyndsay. So as it ends up, i had to lead everyone through the fuckin thing. Thats right, me the one who was content with being near the back, now leading the whole group in the bitch black. But i understood, didnt complain and once the guy said go when you are ready i said "Everyone ready? Good" And headed past the curtain. Of course since its pitch black im kicking everything i could, thank god i wore my boots from work. So im kicking walls taking my time. Of course once they wanted to scare you the lights came on and something happend. So we are going through this thing, and there was a part with people comming out of the walls and ceiling actually. That was cool. And you get to a part that makes you almost get into a crawl position. That was interesting. I got the end and couldnt really find my way out, while people are yelling to move it. So i hear lyndsay yell back that we are trying to find the way. Then i hear someone but on a demon voice where we are supposed to go and said come this way. So i did. We had to go up a ramp actually. So about halfway up i stomped my feet so he could know i was close to being there. Sort of a way of saying thanks for the help, without actually saying anything. We get up top and its a walkway, just a bridge. With someone on the rail leaning into where we walk. So i duck and walk fast past him, then the lights come on and people with chainsaws come out from underneath and this guy runs at me from the other side of the bridge, i just ducked again and he went by. Then we moved. The last room was really foggy. I couldnt see anything with my glasses on, so i had Lyndsay tell me where to go. Finally we got out and of course i made fun of the girls for wanting to be first the whole time only to make me take the lead. Yet again the issue with being the man. ( Yea im sure im really mad about it) . But that wasnt the end of the night. After that i went back to the girls house with them, and we had Hot Chocolate and watched Army of Darkness. It was a great time. Honestly i would say it was probably the most fun ive had this semester. And im not just saying that because i had two girls hanging off me all night. I swear ;)

Then sunday i challenged Lyndsay to a rematch of the dance game. And i am proud to annouce that i won hands down. Alright, i may be exagerating. I might have actually lost. The polls are still out on that one. Wait wait..... This just in, i lost. Badly this time. We are both doing better at the game overall but she somehow got better at a game faster then i did. Me. Mr videogame. So then what did we do, we played a couple other games. And what happend. I lost those as well. Thats right. I lost 3 different racing games and a dancing game in one night. I didnt know what was going on. However, i really had fun. Here is the added bonus, the dance game. Its actually exercise. By the end i was drenched in sweat. But i still think i can get my title back. I just have to focus, thats it. Yea thats it. Which is why i of course will challenge Lyndsay again sometime to the dance game. And this time i will dominate. I will dismantle all who stand in my path!!!!!! lol. Sorry just had too. But yea it was a fun weekend.

Other then that there really isnt much to report. I mean there are things ive noticed as of late about things, but i just dont pay attention to them. I know i really started writing about them. I would just make people worry about things. So i wont. I know that in time, the problems and the issues will sort themselves out and i will of course done once again what i do about most things. Worry for nothing. Well right now i dont really know what else to talk about. But ill say this. If there are things people dont understand about me, thats fine. I understand sometimes i tend to come out of left field with things. I say things that dont make sense. I have ideas that have no point what so ever. Its just the way i am. Im a weird, weird person. I accept that, and actually i use it to my advantage. Its great being weird. Make people look at you differently. Make them ask themselves, whats wrong with this guy. I could tell ya whats wrong with this guy. But really whats the fun in that? Someday my weirdness with disappear. Im going to close with this song quote from Barenaked Ladies from the song For You "In a book, in a box high upon a shelf. In a locked and guarded vault. Are the things I keep only for myself. It's your fate but it's not your fault. And for every useless reason I know, There's a reason not to care. If I hide myself wherever I go, Am I ever really there?" Goodnight...

Back again!!

2004-10-13T15:53:00.000-05:00

Well ladies and gentleman i am back. Thats right. Sorry to Reagan and Lyndsay for not updating sooner. im sure that you have been dying for me to write another blog post. lol. Anyways, whats been going on it the world of paul. Lets see. Ive been thinking about alot of things latley actually. Well yesterday in the shower i came to the conclusion that i need to change things in my life. I need to get on the ball and get shit going the right way. I cant be laid back anymore, no matter how much i really want to be. Time to grow up and be a fucking man. Time to get my act together and take care of myself. Thats right boys and girls, uncle paul is gonna take care of himself now. Im planning on actually changing my diet around and exercising more. And yes Lyndsay i do wanna play the dance game a couple times a week if you want. Its good exercise and the fact that i can beat ya in it has nothing to do with it i swear. Latley ive felt things, telling me that my body is breaking down faster then i anticipated and that if i dont take care of shit soon its going to be too fucking late. I mean im not going to make life unenjoyable for me, i would never go that drastic to change things, but i figure it wouldnt hurt to get heading in the right direction.

Last week i went with my dad and saw my brother. It was good, i enjoyed seeing him and his new place. Its a nice place. Anyways we go to dinner and i got a coke for a drink and my brother gave me a lecture on drinking "real" soda as compared to the Diet soda. He was telling me that drinking regular soda is just like injecting glucose into your body, its the same thing since you get nothing out of it. And i take his word for it. I mean he did get an award and a scholarship for his field this year. So i mean the man knows his shit. So me and him had a talk about it, i defended my regular soda to his diet that whole time. And thought who the fuck are you to tell me what i can and can not drink. Well on the way home i figured out who he was to tell me that. Hes an older brother, someone who is looking out for their younger sibling and someone who doesnt want to see anything happen to him. And i mean ive heard it before, but anyone with siblings know, its kind of different when they have a heart to heart with you about something like that. So i he got me thinking this way. And i would actually like to say thank you to him for it. I needed it.

Lets see, what else is going on? hmmm well i could tell ya about when i was walking up the stairs last weekend before we went to the mall. Bryan, Ryan and Lyndsay were downstairs waiting while i was making an mp3 disk for the ride. I came down and talked to them while it was burning and then i took off to head up and get it. Well i started heading up the stairs and i forgot to duck really, because i nailed the top of my head on the ceiling and it compacted my head down into my neck. I saw AWWWWW and just sort of fell on the stairs. It hurt, but once i got rid of the cobwebs in my head i got up and headed upstairs as if nothing was wrong. And bryan and lyndsay asked if i was alright and of course i said sure im fine no biggie just hurts a little (Typical male right there). Bryan told me he know i was actually hurt when all i said was AWWW instead of my typical AWw son of a.... which means im just surprised really. So i drove to syracuse and back that night. Which i did fine. But im not sure my head was really there to be honest. I know when i got up the stairs that i was trying to figure out what was going on and what i was supposed to be doing. Just groggy really. But i didnt pay any attention to it. Well on monday, when i got up my head was killing me, and the second i stood up i got very dizzy and felt like i was going to vomit. So needless to say i didnt go to class that night, or the next day actually. Because i was still feeling some of the effects yesterday morning. And i just figured that it was a little cold or something that i had come down with. However i was talking to Lyndsay about it and she said did i think it was a concusion i suffered when i hit my head. Which i hadnt thought about it before that but then thinking about it, it could have been and then the headache, dizzyness and feeling like vomiting could be post concusion syndrome i guess. I dont really know. But i would say it makes sense.

The only other thing for me to really talk about is just that ive realized how lonely i really am. I mean i have my friends here and they are great. But it just seems latley that ive been thinking about psycho bitch from last year. And its kind of sad but at times i miss her. Trust me, im not as dumb as some of you might think from hearing that. I just realize that i miss the way it was. And i might be thinking of her more right now because it was around this time last year when she came into my life. And changed everything i had come to know. But see now i just miss having someone to talk like we did, and hanging out like we did. Its not the physical aspects of the relationship that i miss, which might seem kind of weird comming from a guy. Its the emotional assepcts that i miss. I dont know, latley, i havent really been myself. Like right now for instance. The guys are downstairs watching a movie, but i just didnt feel like being around people right now. Ive felt like being by myself and thinking. And thats not usually me, if i want to be by myself and think, chances are im not in a good place. Never have i been happy and said i need to be by myself and think. NEVER. So this scares me a little, i better not be falling down again, not after it took me all summer to get back up. I dont know i guess loneliness is just kicking my ass is whats happening. But its life. Right? ANd its how we deal with these times and feelings that makes us who we are. So the question is. Do i let myself fall down and feel sorry for myself, or do i fight the feelings of loneliness and try to do something about my life? Im going to try and go with option b, lets just hope i can make it.

Well everyone sorry about the long rant. I could have said more but i figure you have suffered enough. Til next time, good bye.

Good Evening

2004-09-02T22:28:00.000-05:00

So how is everyone doing tonight? Good i hope. Been awhile since i wrote in there and for that i appologize. Well im back in oswego now. Having fun daily, and not worrying about much at all. Man its been awhile since i have actually felt this good. And i have my friends to thank for it. I mean Bryan and Ryan are great. I love living with these guys. And Lyndsay and mary stop by on occasion, and i get to see Djere and Jacob as well. Man ive missed this place. Ive missed my friends. Dont get me wrong summer was fun. I love the people i work with. But its just outside of work i never did anything. Couldnt really. Not much to do, and i worked hours that didnt really allow for much of a life at night really. But now im back here and having a ball. My classes seem like they are going to be fine this semester. Thank god. I got a 3.0 last semester which isnt bad, especially considering everything that happend. But i know i can do better. And i will. I have changed alot since last year actually. And its kind of scary. Shit, i never really wanted to grow up. I enjoyed being a child, being a kid at heart. Thats right i loved being a 22 year old child. Weird huh? Well im not a kid anymore. Im done acting like it. Problem is i might be going to far to the adult side too fast. But fuck it, who really cares? I mean its what needs to be done. I have to accept life and the way its been handed to me and get stronger from it. So i have. Sorry, off topic i know. Anyways, i just wanted to say i miss everyone from work. I love talkin to you guys so feel free to im me anytime. I mean im talking to regan alot, which is great. By the way how is that Strip poker thing going? Did you get the rest of your friends to play yet? And we will have to talk about Naked girls again sometime. Im not going to lie its fun talkin about naked girls with a girl. Anyways, this year is gonna be so much better then last. I can already tell. And there isnt any specific reason why i say that, but i just have that gut feeling that this year is going to be very interesting, and we are gonna have a ball. Im sure rough times will come, but the great thing is with the friends i have surrounded myself with here (The ones i listed earlier) i cant fail. They are there for me when i need them, like last year. And they know ill be there for them when they need me. Which is why, no matter what happens. Good, Bad, Catastrophic. We will get through it together, because we care for each other. With that i say Goodbye. I will write again soon....

Been Awhile

2004-08-02T23:36:00.000-05:00

Its been over a month since my last post. I appoligze for the delay but living in tupper lake doesnt leave much to talk about. So lets see, whats happend since the last post. Well i went to a party at rachels cabin a couple nights after that post. It was fun, of course by the time i got there everyone was basically hammered already. But it was nice hanging out with them outside of work. Jake played catch up that night, he caught up fast, very fast. Rachel told me when i got there that i couldnt drink more then two smirinofs and drive home. So i started calling her mom. Which she acted like. But i understand why. Doesnt mean i have to like it though right. So i told her fine, i could drink the other two i brought in the car on the way home. WRONG RESPONSE. She gave two of them to her brother jake when i wasnt paying attention. So i went to get my third one and low and behold they were gone. I wasnt happy, but i just let it go. However it is fun to act mad with them about it. Since then not much has really happend here in tupper. I mean i work. Alot. Thats about it. I get yelled at atleast once a day by campers, but do i really care? Fuck no. I just shurg it off and tell them what they are going to be doing one way or another. Like yesterday, i was telling poulin about this guy i caught passing people in the park. Now the speed limit is 15mph and there are kids on the sides of the road in their right mind would pass cars in there. Well it was a guy about my age in a little silver sports car convertable top down with a girl my age in the passanger seat. I walked into the middle of the road to stop him, and he did. Then i started to ask what he thought he was doing. He said the guy was going 10 and the speed limit is 15. I told him that he should understand what the word common sense is and he should use it. So he started asking if he was going over 15, i said you had to be. So i ask for his permit, but he didnt have one he was just dropping off his sister. I looked him dead in the eyes and said "Alright then, Get the Fuck out of my park" And he took off, so i of course radioed ahead and had chuck talk to him as well. Thing is people figure if they push most people just give up. Not me, i push back, but harder. i love dealing with the assholes, makes my job kind of fun because i can yell at someone. A couple days before that someone wanted to talk to the boss because of a third car violation. I told him the boss was off that day. He said fine ill talk to him about it tommorow, and started to walk back to the fire. After he gave me lip that wasnt going to work. So i stopped him and said you can talk to him all you want tommorow, but your still moving that car tonight. Within a minute of that, he said alright ill move the car. I dont chicken out. In all reality, im usually a quiet person. Calm, laid back, and a big pushover. Until someone decides to really push me. Then i push back with force. And you know what...Its fun.

I also went to Oswego for HarborFest the other week. I had a great time guys. I stayed at the Awesome house at Shang Ri La, (Thats our house) with Bryan and Ryan. It was great. I also got to see Lyndsay and Mary which i enjoyed too. I miss everyone in oswego so much. Cant wait to get back around the 26th. We are gonna have tons of fun this year guys. I got a present while in oswego too. Ryan gave me a Construction Helmet. So i walked around with it on for like the next 2 hours. Its fun. Ryan started hitting my head with things while i had it on. Didnt really feel much. I understand our fun might be viewed as somewhat weird at times, but damn it, i fuckin love it. Its great. Of course Djere was supposed to stop by on Saturday, but we were at the carnival when he called. So we called him back and he was already back home. Man what an asshole huh. Just kiddin buddy. So we talked to him on the phone for awhile, Throwin insults at him right and left. Which is something we do better them most people. But since everyone understands its a joke its fine.

The only other thing to really talk about is a couple things rattling around in my head. Nothing major, or earth shattering. Just thoughts. I mean latley ive had thoughts at times, thinking back to the past year. Thinking of everything ive been through. And i get depressed. But its not bad. And its not that often or anything. Just at times thoughts and images of the past year come into my head and i change for a min. But i knew it was bound to happen. I think just being in tupper with no one to really hang with is just making me lonely is all. However, there is this girl at work. The guys have been pushing me to ask her out. They say its obvious she likes me. I mean she made me cookies one night, and talks about when me and her are gonna lift together and stuff. And apparently she talks to them about me when im not around. But i said, i only see her during the summer, here at work. And that i just didnt know. I mean i like her, shes great. I love talkin with her, she jokes around just like me. But im me, and thats afraid. She was talking to me this last week about going and drinkin up at her cabin some night soon. She was thinking tuesday but said she would get back to me. So who knows. But its nice to think. Maybe, maybe i could pull it off. Maybe i could actually get the courage to ask. Maybe, but probably not.....

Post for Fun

2004-06-17T22:15:00.000-05:00

This post is just for fun. Ive been bored tonight so i have been taking some tests at Okcupid.com from the guys that made thespark.com. They are cool. I figure i would post my responses from the tests. I'll leave the links for the tests so you can take them sometime if you want too. If you do feel free to leave the results in the comments section if you want too.

1. The WillPower Test

The Thinker
Congratulations! You scored 58!

Good for you. You have a brain. You most likely think through any ideas that come your way. People often think you are indecisive, while you are actually looking at all the angles. Once you've found something watertight you'll argue until you're blue in the face. You're probably intelligent but you'll find some people get really annoyed by you because you stand up to them. Lightening up a little probably wouldnt hurt you though. http://www.okcupid.com/tests/take?testid=3691702205403181263

2. The OkCupid Test

The Slow Dancer
Deliberate Gentle Love Dreamer (DGLDm)

Steady, reliable, and cradling her tenderly. Take a deep breath, and let it out real easy...you are The Slow Dancer.

Your focus is love, not sex, and for your age, you have average experience. But you're a great, thoughtful guy, and your love life improves every year. There's also a powerful elimination process working in your favor: most Playboy types get stuck raising unwanted kids before you even begin settling down. The women left over will be hot and yours. Your ideal woman is someone intimate, intelligent, and very supportive.

While you're not exactly the life of the party, you do thrive in small groups of smart people. Your circle of friends is extra tight and it's HIGHLY likely they're just like you. You appreciate symmetry in relationships

3. What Kind of Sex Freak are you Test?

Amature porn
Congratulations! You scored 22%!

If you would be in a porn movie, you would be in an amauture porno. You've done a few things, but not everything. Still in a position to be bossed around in bed. Your toys are well hidden.
http://www.okcupid.com/tests/take?testid=9283527565102482607

4. The Alcoholism Test

The Buzz Hunter

Your alcoholism index is 58%

Just shy of having a problem, you are The Buzz Hunter. Either you drink a little bit a lot of the time, or a lotta bit a little of the time. And you love getting trashed, but mainly it's a social thing. So you don't have an addiction that we know of. You should watch yourself, however. Many of your kind calm down from hunting buzz in their later years -- only to hunt other shit like crack or children. Walk the line. http://www.okcupid.com/tests/take?testid=7846640623433947945

5. The are you Horny Enough Test?

You Naughty Thing
Well look at that... you scored a 54%

Hell yeah! Get your hand out of your pants and write me an email. After you do that, you can put your hand back in there.
http://www.okcupid.com/tests/take?testid=12733412483907995028

6. The Superhero Test

The All-American
Faster than a sppeding Bullet! You scored 50%!

Wowee kid! You are Superman! You are the hand-to-hand combat, completly adored superhero. So, take a little time to bask in all your glory...trust me, that person you saved last night....wants to thank you....on a very personal level. http://www.okcupid.com/tests/take?testid=16359173892780727201

7. The What Greek God are You Test

Dionysis
Gods! You scored 49!

You are most like the God Dionysis! Dionysis is the god of wine, intoxication and creative ecstacy. In short, a party god! He was often having drunken orgies with both men and women, as well as with helpless maidens his centaurs would carry off for him. he had a large following of women who had fallen into a frenzy or "mania". These women were taken by a madness that compelled them to run around in a craze and often times become violent. Many of these frenzied outbursts had a strong sexual content. Just don't forget while having all this fun that there is more to life than getting off!
http://www.okcupid.com/tests/take?testid=3111589456939550352

8. The Rock Test

Rock Supremo
You're 61% rock and roll!

Congrats! You're pretty much rock and roll. There's nothing better than going at on a Saturday night and skanking with your friends in the pit. Then again, you'd probably prefer to sit at home with a roll up and listen to Pink Floyd. Either way, you are cool and you have your own unique style and lots of different music tastes. The only thing that lets you down is your secret love for Britney Spears music and The Darkness. But don't worry, as long as you keep it a secret, I wont judge! You rock! http://www.okcupid.com/tests/take?testid=545267229188227629

9. The movie Tastes, Part 1 Test

The Man's Man
Congratulations! You scored 36!

Welcome to the mens club sir. You love action flicks, but not to the point that you will deny yourself a second date over it. You are laid by more separate women than the other masculine categories. http://www.okcupid.com/tests/take?testid=1969739692631251688

Alright thats all for now. I would say that most of them are accurate. Let me know what you think. I will actually make a real post in the next couple days about a couple things, til then enjoy the tests.

Fuck the State!!!!

2004-06-10T23:09:00.000-05:00

The fucking state decided to yet again fuck me. Thats right ladies and gentleman. I have been the states bitch not once, but twice now. Last year i was told i was getting a raise from 7.15 an hour to 10.65 an hour. So i was happy. I did the job they asked me to do for the pay. Then i get my check after i am done for the year. And what happend. No raise. So i ask about it. Thats right they gave me the raise one day after they could. They cant make changes after july31. i got the raise on August 1st. Thats right. One day. And i got fucked. I was ready to not come back this summer. But with the promise of the ranger position i decided to say fuck it and go back. So i get back. My boss tells me i had the position. Then greg the one who does the highering tells me i got the job. They give me the uniform. I start doing the job for a week. Then i get notice today. That nope i cant be a ranger anymore. They will give me a different title with like 2 bucks less an hour, and they still want me to do the ranger job however. They want to see if i will do a job for cheaper. Fuck them! Its not like im dying to be a ranger. I took the positon for the same reason anyone takes a promotion. Because of the pay increase. Not because i love getting yelled at by campers and not because im know i look damn good in the uniform. Its because, i want money. Im human. I have monetary needs. So what am i going to do? Thats easy. Make waves. Lots of them. You bet your ass im gonna fucking call there and me and one of those bosses are gonna be playing 20 fucking questions. Why kind of questions? How about how is someone who is younger then me, has one year in a state park when i was told last year i needed to have atleast 2 under my belt. And the kicker is its not just me, It kyle too. Both of us were told we would get it. We both have been their longer then keith. He started there this year. He is younger then us, is a music major and he get the ranger positon? Dont get me wrong. I dont want him to lose his job, but if me and kyle dont get it, he definatly shouldnt. So im gonna ask about it. I know the answer. We all do, just no one wants to say it. Its his father. He is a higher up in the DEC. Well my friend. I told my dad about it today. He was going to call his friend. Assemblyman Ortloft. The head of the environmental agency. Thats right ladies and gentleman. Daddy has connections. Thats one joy of having your dad be a politician since you were born. My brother never wanted to have dad call in favors. Fuck that, my dad wont need them. And i do. So lets call them in!

Long time

2004-06-06T14:31:00.000-05:00

Well its been a long time almost a month since my last post. Well i wont say that ive been busy because i really havent, ive been in tupper the last couple of weeks and anyone who has been here understands busy cant be in your vocabulary. Its just that I havent had much to say about anything recently. Which is actually a good thing. Means my mind is finally starting to go back to the way it was. To caring about nothing. Anyways. I got my ranger job at fish creek this summer. Its going to be great. Ive been working since wensday and ive enjoyed everyday. The people i work with are great. They all love to joke around and have fun which makes it a great place to work. And since i get along with everyone its good. Im happy that almost everyone came back this year. So many people to joke around with my cocky asshole way. Its fun. And it has done exactly what i had hoped when the end of the semster was comming. It helped me get over the problem i was having at the end of the semester, which im sure most of you that read this blog know what im talking about.

So i decided to quit smoking. Been a week now. I know a week is no big thing. But i know i can do it. I mean i know most of my friends at school arent keen on people smoking. And frankly i have felt things latley that tells me i need to stop. I mean when its difficult to breath everytime you lay down to sleep, and when you get stabbing pains around the heart daily, its a sign that your destroying yourself. And i figured that i should probably stop smoking. So i did, Cold turkey. Just decided not to buy another pack after i ran out. Its hard sure. I mean the first couple days afterwards i started having horrible headaches, so i took tylonal and stuff for them and try to pass it by. But i still have cravings. I mean everyday there are times where im like jesus i could use a cigarrete, but i dont. Its willpower. And as ive told some people i tend to think i have very strong willpower. And i have given examples before, so most of you probably understand what i am talking about. I wont lose this battle. I cant...

There is a problem however. Today when i woke up i was very depressed. I dont know why. I mean i havent been bad off since i got home. Bored sure, lonley? yup. But depressed? nope. Not til today. And i am dying for a cigerette, its times like this where i rememeber why i smoked. To get past the hard parts. To make everything calm, and then move on. But i wont allow myself to. I will get through today the old fashioned way. By just letting myself get down. Letting myself get depressed and saying it will go away tommorow. Which it should hopefully. I think i know what did it. But i was fine when it happend yesterday, so i dont see how. But as is normal at work people discuss events of the past school year. So i told some of my co workers about some stuff of the last year a couple days ago. and last night brought in The box that was made for me with pictures from over the year. And i was fine last night when they were looking at them and telling me things. But then i looked at one certain picture and i just stopped talkin for a few mins with everyone. But then i was fine again joking around being an asshole with the girls. Then i got home last night and was a little down but i brushed it off as being tired. So i went to bed. Got up today feeling worse, and i knew i was in trouble today. But, you know what? Fuck it! I wont let it get to me anymore. Its over, done with. Why feel sorry and sad about something you had no controll over? Thats the real thing. So i cant, i wont allow myself too. Next sunday im going to oswego, see bryan, lyndsay and mary. Drop some stuff of to the house as well. Maybe see Chronicals of riddick. I miss my friends. They are great and i love them all. And on that note later all. I will post again soon, promise.

Losing It....

2004-05-07T01:00:00.000-05:00

Hi everyone, thats right im finally writing another post. I know its been awhile, just really didnt know what to say in here. I mean alot of shit has happend, just didnt know what to say about it. Probably nothing. But as the title suggests i am losing it. What is it you may ask. It is my sanity, my personality, my feelings. All of the above. Its everything. Everyday i feel myself becomming more and more like a statue. I feel myself slowly dying inside. Not like actual dying. But the person i was is slowly fading away into the distance. What is comming out in its place? Not something i enjoy seeing. But its on its way anyways. I mean dont get me wrong im still happy on a few occasions. But its not the same anymore. Happiness seems like a far away land now. And thats not right. Everyone should be happy shouldnt they? I mean honestly, do people deserve to feel the way i feel? It gets harder every day to find a single reason to leave my bed. I used to not have a problem finding a reason. One fucking reason.

But latley its just getting harder and harder. Today i got up for the simple fact that i wanted to beat a videogame. Thats right ladies and gentleman. My reason for getting out of bed was a videogame. Thinking im strectching for reasons? I know i am. I mean i had a paper due tonight, did i care? Not really. I had a week to redo it. Did i? Nope. Wanted too, just never felt like it. What did i feel like doing? Sleeping, playing games, and watching tv. Anything that can take my mind off of shit. And its getting harder and harder for me to ignore things. Even games are losing their effect on me. Used to be i could play a game and just zone out and not worry about the world around me. But not anymore. I play, but im not focused on it. My mind is somewhere else. Its always thinking wondering about things i should care about anymore. But i do. Its been awhile since ive been happy. I mean i enjoy hanging out with my friends. They are fucking great. Its just that its an act. I put on the happy face, joke around, act like i could care less about anything at all. Like the paul they knew before. The one who was easy going, the one who was extremly laid back. But im not. Not anymore. Something has changed me. Made me harder. Colder. Not as open if you will. I mean i love my friends and would do anything for them. But my own personal way is just colder. Im not thinking nice thoughts anymore. i used to think about how great things were, how this was alright, something bad happens, thats fine whatever and i moved on. But i cant anymore. Im tired of it. Its easier to ignore everything, easier to just pretend its not a certain way.

But you can only play stupid for so long before you have to face things. And trust me i know, ive played stupid/naive to a T on mulitple occasions. Letting people think i have no clue whats going on. What they want me to do, what they want to do, where they want me to go. I just play it off like i have no clue. Why is that? Its easier. People think of you as less of a threat if you dont understand things. I mean yes people enjoy smart people. But lets say i actaully let people in on my intellect sometime. Theres a chance it could scare people. And im not saying it to be cocky. Its just i know im smart, not the smartest person, nowhere near it. But I am far more intelligent then people believe. Everytime people talk i pay attention. It might not seem like it but i do. Even if they arent talking to me. I just sit there and think to myself about the conversation and what i would want to say about it, but i choose not too. i decide to act like i have no clue what they are talking about. I mean at one point there was this girl who wanted to have fun if you will. Me being myself play stupid. Made her think i had no clue of her intentions. Now your typical male will say, What the fuck paul? Why would you play games like that? Its simple. I want them to be sure about it before anything starts. So it makes them make the first move. Its that simple. And i mean i had to play dumb for a couple hours. But in the end it didnt matter, she made the move and on it went.

So i mean playing stupid is just what i do. Its a game to me, a real life game. How many people can i convince that im not that bright? How many can i have believe that im very foolish, very clumsy? Now most of my friends here know better. Why? Because i have had actual conversations with them about things. They know im not as stupid as i make myself out to be. But to the general public, and certain other people who think they know me but dont im just a general knucklehead who doesnt understand complex things. Problem is i understand complexity more then i want too. Seems things always have to be complicated in some way or another. Atleast when im around it does. Anyone else have that problem? I hope so. Not that i want people to go through the shit i usually do, but i just dont want to be the only one who has to put up with it.

So these last couple of weeks have been hard. Couple weeks ago, jessie told me that we basically shouldnt be friends anymore. Not really not be friends but that we shouldnt really talk that much anymore. And it hurt. Hurt alot. I mean to have someone that you have a very close friendship with tell you they dont really want to hang out with you, or talk with you anymore. Its rough. I knew that some of the poems i gave her would make her mad, but i didnt expect it to make that type of impact. I guess i failed to grasp the strength of the things i wrote. So i just accepted it. What else could i do? Say no i dont think we should stop talking i wont allow it? Its not possible to do that. But my friends there knew it was hard on me. I would like to say thanks to lyndsay for listening to me rant about it. She told me that i could cry in front of her because she saw me shaking and about ready to cry. But i didnt. I stopped myself. Because i just cant cry over it. I want too, but i cant allow myself too. So thank you lyndsay, for listening to my problems and helping me out, a couple of those days were really really hard to get through.

What im talking about right now may sound weird to people. Paul, why cry over someone who decided to ditch your friendship. They tossed you away, you are better off. They dont deserve to be your friend if they dont care about the friendship. But it hurt me. I mean i would like to think that im a great friend. I mean my friends know i would do anything for them. Kill for them, die for them. So why would someone so easily just give up my friendship. Why toss it away like it was nothing? Well i had to know. So i sent her an email and asked her. I was expecting a short little email giving me a reason. I told her i wanted to be able to say hi to her when i see her. It just didnt feel right now being able to even say hi to her. So last sunday i was in the dorms. I go to the bathroom and as i was leaving there she was waiting outside the door to talk to me. So we went into the stairway and talked for couple mins. She told me that she asked people what she should do and they said to just stop talking to me. And she listened to them. I mean sure they could have told her to do that, but did she have to listen if she didnt want too? Thats the question. i mean couldnt she have decided for herself to take a different approach to the subject? But the thing was i didnt want to talk to her face to face like we did. Dont get me wrong im not being bitter about it, thats not why. The reason is her eyes. Her blue hypnotic eyes. It never fails, everytime i look into those eyes i just feel happy, i feel content. And i knew that after we talked like that i was going to hurt again. Why? Because i knew that isnt the way it is anymore. I looked into her eyes and i was happy, then we stopped talking and agreed we can say hi to each other and stuff. And i go back into the guys room and i felt pain, sadness. Because i know that the happiness isnt there anymore. That i look into her eyes and get lied too now. No more calm, no more peace and serenity. I see it, but its not there. Its just hard i guess.

I just cant wait to get to work this summer. Help me forget about her. Help my mind stop going back to the issues with her and how if anyway i could have saved the friendship. I go back and say i could have done this differently, i could have done that differently. But whats the point? I cant go back, i cant change the things i have done. And i realize that after this comming week i will never see her again. I mean sure she will be in oswego next fall when i am. But i know we wont hang out, we wont talk. She says you never know. We could become good friends again. But the thing is i do know. Its just something i would say im 95% sure of. She only says that to give hope. But i know there isnt any. And it is just hard. I mean i look back and there are times where i dont know what i would have done had she not been there for me. I mean over break when i found out i wasnt going to be allowed back to school, she was at my house. So she tried to make me feel better. She held me as i cried, she sang me a couple songs to try and make me feel better, i was just lost. Then she came with me to oswego to move out of the room. Once i hit oswego i cried again because it became a reality. I always could tell myself it wasnt real, til i got there. So she held my hand kept telling me it was going to be ok, and that i wasnt going to be far from everyone. That we could still hang out because i was still going to be in town. i mean there were just times that she was there for me, that she kept telling me it was going to be ok. And now theres no more of that. I can never go to her again with a problem. I dont know. i mean its wierd. I know that jessie is gonna be one of those people ill never forget, and we only knew each other for like 7 months. 7 months out of my life and ill never forget her. Means she made an impact doesnt it? Work cant come soon enough, i just cant stress that enough. The people i work with are fun, they are easy going. And i wont have to worry about seeing jessie there. Hopefully this summer will make everything alright. Hopefully my head can clear itself, so i dont keep going back and replaying parts of the friendship in my head. Im sure it will clear out when i get working. It will be nice to get back there and joke around with everyone again. I miss the fun times. Alright i gotta get off the topic of jessie, im getting very sad again. Just thinking of losing someone like her from my life. It just brings me down everytime i think of it.

So good news. Bryan got his blackbelt last night. It was good. Not him taking tons of punishment. But him achieving something that he has strived for. I love seeing my friends reach their goals. It makes me happy. Bryan had to do alot of things last night. Lots of things that looked very painfull. And he did break two cement slabs with one hit. Thats right, bryan is the fuckin man. I would be nervous having to hit one piece of wood and he went through two concrete slabs. I mean jesus. Sure he hurt his hand doing it, but the fact still remains that he went through it on his first try. And there were points during the evening of pain for him where i just wanted to jump up, run over to him hold him up, give him a hug and tell him that everything is going to be fine, that he was doing a great job and that i was proud of him. I know i sound almost like a father talking proudly about his son. But i just have so much respect for him. To go through what he went through, and actually be able to walk, even if it was with a limp, he still walked down to the car. We figured we were gonna have to carry him. After all the shit he had to do, bryan had to finish it off with 15, 2 minute rounds of sparring with various members of the club. Oh yea did i mention thats after about 3 and a half hours of vigourous routines and excerices. So he had to be dead. near the end he was just taking the beating and trying to survive. If that was me i would have thrown in the towel early on. Not bryan, he took it and keep going. Then when he was allowed to make a little speech, he said he was happy that his friends were there and we ment alot to him. I wanted to cry. Seriously, it just hit me so much. I love my friends. I love all of them. So let me finish this by saying, Bryan i am very proud of you, i am happy you are one of my friends dude. It means alot to me. Well long enough post i guess, hope you enjoyed it. ill write another one when i get back from mikes house this weekend. Later all.

Parallel Universe

2004-04-26T15:00:00.000-05:00

I realized something today,
Daytime don't approve my existence.
Everywhere I go,
Something goes wrong.
Either someone looks at me the wrong way,
Or the bench that I want to sit on, gets shitted.

I also realized something else later tonight,
Nightlife is very torturous.
When I close my eyes,
Chaos reveals himself.
Loves echoes through my heart with a hollow song,
Hate enrages out of me, growing tiresome.

I dreamt one night,
Hell cannot torture me enough,
Heaven sings through my ears to let me hear,
The words to keep me awake.

I dreamt today,
Heaven cannot get me to accept,
Hell burns under me through my skin to me feel,
The pain to keep me unconscious.

Life;
experience,
love,
friends,
purity.

Death,
pain,
sadness,
loneliness,
knowledge.

Right here, right now,
Am I dreaming?
Am I in a pandoras' box?
Waiting for my existence, disintegrate.
Or am I in a institue?
Am I tied up and forced to see things?
Trying to understand what is real?

Funny,
How much Math and Science go along so well together,
Yet Math will disagree with Philosophy,
And Science will do the same with Beliefs.

Sad,
Everything is hidden away from beauty.
Never get to see the ugliness of life.
Causing to turn the very sweetness to bitterness.
Becoming a beast.

Ironic,
Black and White,
not the same.
And Gray isn't accepted by either.

...Have you tried touching your shadow,
In the brightest light over you?
Have you tried dreaming of falling to the ground,
Watching what happens when you hit it?

Can you picture the universe only existing,
In your mind?
And also your mind existing,
In the universe itself?

Is that what its called,
A Parallel Universe?

I have alot more to talk about, but i will do that later tonight. I gotta get ready for my class.

Weekend, Weekend, Weekend.

2004-04-18T19:42:00.000-05:00

So it was a decent weekend. I hung out with my friends alot, that was good. Friday i met Lyndsay, Bryan and Ryan at Cams for pizza. I should probably tell you that was the first time i had eaten in 2 days. I had dinner wensday night, then nothing til that pizza at around 645 on friday night. Sure i might get yelled at for not eating by some people. But so what. I dont care anymore. People can yell at me all they want about anything. I just dont care what people think anymore. I mean i care what a few people think, but not as many as i did before.

I just didnt feel like eating. I mean thursday was a weird day. I got up, got ready for the day. Went and picked up jess and brought her to her meeting. Then brought her here to give her the gift i made. Then brought her back and hung talked with lyndsay for a bit about some things. Then i wanted to have Lyndsay, Bryan and Ryan come over here for something. Of course i promised them moms cookies. I know i didnt have too but i did it anyways. They came over, did what i asked and we went back. I hung out there til like 11 playing football with Bryan and lyndsay. It was fun and i enjoyed myself. I came home, thinking about somethings. I just wasnt hungry really. i was too worried i guess. But then friday we went to cams, after that we went and saw the punisher. Good movie, not great but its what i expected. After that i came back here and played some games and stuff. Try and keep my mind occupied as often as i can. Saturday i get up, and talk with bryan on aim for a few. Told me him and lyndsay were gonna stop by later after they went job hunting. So i said thats cool. They come over and we hang out til its time to get food before Kill Bill vol.2. So Ryan and Hoss meet us at wendys for dinner. Then we just sat there shooting the shit for a little while. We went to the movie and watched that one. I thought vol1 was better. Maybe because there was more action in the first one. Dont really know. Afterwards Lyndsay and Bryan come back and we play Champions of Norath for a while. I enjoyed it. Thanks for playin guys, hope ya had fun. Anyways around 1 they head home, and i go for a ride. Thinking about shit as i always do. Come back and decide to just kill things for awhile. Today Bryan says that he got ahold of his sensi and i could see the house we are moving into today. So i go and check it out. Its nice. I will enjoy it alot im sure. I mean it has a backyard, with a deck and a punching bag. Its great. After that i got to the store and get stuff to make speghetti, and ryan comes with me. So we come back here and i make speghetti for both of us. He tells me ill make a great house wife someday. Man wouldnt that be funny. Me as a housewife. Yea right. So we hang out here and i brought him back about an hour ago. It was a fun weekend.

Just worried about somethings is all. Hopefully they will be put to rest soon. I think my poems were taken the wrong way. I am more then happy to explain things to people if they dont get them. Its not that hard. Really. But anyways i just dont know anymore. Seems everything i do is wrong. I just dont get it. Everytime i try to do things is always the wrong choice. So fuck it, why worry about choices anymore. I just give up. No point in trying anymore i guess.

So on the ride back me and ryan looked at these two girls walkin and thought they would be fun. i said yea, but they are underage. So ryan says the best words of wisdom. Its only statutory rape if you get caught. Then i remembered our comments last semester about yelling surprise. Its not rape if you yell surpirse before hand either. I mean you are giving them fair warning right? I know its sick of us to joke about something like rape. But seriously now. Do you expect us to take much seriously. Its getting to be that everything in life a big joke. Life, death, pain, love. All of them are big jokes. No need to take any of it serious anymore right? Right! i will write more tonight. Later all.

Why Me???? Long post.

2004-04-16T04:04:00.000-05:00

Its a question i ask myself daily. Why is it always me who seems to have issues with things? Why is it always me that gets shit on when the time comes? Why god why? Thats what i want to know. Have i done something wrong earlier in life that i must get punished for the rest of my life. I mean sure i wasnt the nicest kid during my teen years but none of us were. I wouldnt say i did anything that any other teenager wouldn't do. I mean i smoked, weed and cigs. I drank. I would sneak out of the house when my parents were asleep to see my girlfriend for the night. But what fucking teenager didnt do that shit? Seriously? Its just something that gets to me. It seems everytime i put my neck on the line for something or I put myself out for something or in someway i always get shit on. It never seems to fail. The problem is i always put my neck out, i always am willing to put myself on the line for others. Why?

Because i like people. People that i associate with i love. If i dont talk to you or i ignore you, then guess what. I hate ya. Sorry its just the simple truth. But if i talk with ya. Or if you ask for a favor and i say sure. Then guess what i like ya. And i like alot of people. I always meet alot of nice people where ever i go. I mean i seem to get along with almost everyone anywhere i go. It could be my sunny attitude. Which truth be told is bullshit. I just know its better to be hanging around someone who is happy all the time then someone who is always down. So i do what i do best. I put on a show. A show for the world. I could almost say that no one truely knows me. Sure some of you have ideas about the real me. But i still keep parts hidden. I cant release the real me. It would just be bad for everyone involved. So i smile. I joke, i laugh. Truth is, i dont even know me anymore. Who am i? I was actually at one point the jovial person that everyone seems to think i am. I used to love life, i used to love everything that had to do with it.

What happend you might ask. Well i grew up, thats what happend. As a kid you are led to believe that life is great and nothing bad can happen. But then you start to grow up and realize its not true. I mean sure some of us realize it faster then others. Im sure there are people older then me who still think life is a bowl of cherries. But guess what, its not. Far from it. The world is filled with nothing but shit. Either is a person who has alterior motives for there dealings with you. The majority of people in the world care about numero uno before anyone else. Well thats not the way to be. I place myself last when it comes to shit like that. Family, Friends, then me
thats the way it is.

Lets say one of my friends needs something anything i would be there for them. One of them gets in an accident, needs a transplant to live. Guess what, take it. I dont want it anymore. Thats what i would do. If i make a promise to someone you better bet your ass im going to follow through. In high school i had promised to drive our 3 on 3 team to Saranac Central for the tournament. The day of the tournament i got up. Had a 102 temp. I took some tylonal, got dressed and drove there. Then you bet your ass i played my heart out. We went to the mall afterwards and then i drove home. I know i didnt have to do it, but i made a fuckin promise and i was gonna do it damn it. Sure some of you are saying paul your an idiot, playing basketball with a 102 temp. What the hell were you thinking. Well when i got back home my temp was 103. So i guess i didnt hurt myself to much huh. Sure we lost the tournament, i enjoyed myself, horribly ill or not. I just wish that.....

I dont know. There are things i want to say. But i am afraid. Afraid it will get read by the wrong person and shit will hit the fan. I know this is for me and anyone who reads it shouldnt be my concern, and i do make it public, its my choice. But thats because i figure if someone wants to read this, they must actually care about paul the person. Not Paul the stooge, or Paul the gullible. Im sure there are people who just talk to me to take advantage of things ill do for them. And im sure there are others who just genuinly care about me. The thing is i love both of them the same. Why, because i dont know who is who. And i really dont care.

I love attention. Ill admit it, i do i enjoy the spot light. I might say i dont. I might act like i dont. But once im in it oh my good lord someones in trouble. When i was in the plays for Odyessy of the Mind i was always nervous, but i loved every second of it. The time they had me play a daughter in the play, i said damn it do i have too. All the time thinking im going make the judges laugh there fuckin asses off. And you know what. I did. They loved it. Imagine this. Me walking out with a wig, a shirt, and a skirt on. Talking in an almost perfect female voice. The second i spoke one judge started laughing so hard she looked like she was crying. After the play she came over and said i loved you as the girl. I said thanks, in the girl voice of course. I love to make people laugh. Even when i myself am as sad and depressed as i truely am. Because i figure someone should be happy if im not. So yes thats right, i do love the spotlight no matter how much i say i dont. Next year im worried about having to give a speech for my brothers wedding since im the best man. When in reality im sure ill get up there start talking and just go for it. Making jokes, having fun, and of course embarrising my brother in some way. I mean what are younger brothers for :).

Sorry im ranting on like this. Just got alot to say for some reason. So i did something today. I told jess i wanted to show her something after her appointment today. Thankfully she took time from her pledging and came over for a bit. So when she got here, i gave her a gift. Something for her to look back on and remember the good times we had once im not around any longer. A photo album of pictures from when she stayed with me in tupper over christmas break. Then i made a cd. With songs that have meaning to us. I hope she enjoyed it. Finally. I gave her a book of poetry that i had written. Thats right ladies and gentlemen. I wrote poetry. I wrote them over the course of this semester. And i finished them up over the last week so that they would be ready for her. I understand when she didnt want to read them in front of me. Honestly it was probably a good idea. I just hope that she doesnt get mad from them. I hope she understands why i gave them to her. Why i wanted to her to see them. To have a copy of them. I might post a couple of them from time to time. Let people see what i wrote. There are a couple i will keep secret however, they are very personal. Hopefully i hear from her in the next day or so about what she thought of them. And after she is done pledging i want to hang out with her for one night. Like old times. Just me and her, hanging out talkin about life. Once more before its over. Some might say paul its already over. But i just want one more memory. Is that too much to ask? It might be actually. But i hope not. I hope she understands that she has been a vital turning point in my life. Helped me realize alot of things about myself. And about other people. And i understand that when the wind blows people apart its just something you have to accept.

But why?? What if you dont want to?? Isnt there times where things are worth fighting for?? Seriously. Have you ever had a time where you felt about something strong enough that you would fight for it. You would strive to keep it together. The real question is did it work? Its never worked for me either. I can put my heart and soul into something and i still i always seem to fail. maybe thats my problem. Im destined for failure. I cant succeed at anything anymore. Seems the only things im good for anymore are videogames and movie trivia. After that im basically useless now. Yea i know, paul your whinning again. But you know what im allowed to damn it. Im tired of being told what needs to be done. Paul do this, Paul do that. I dont want to anymore. Honestly, there is only one thing i want to do and no one will enjoy hearing it. But fuck it im gonna say it anyway. What do i wanna do? I want to curl up in my big comfy bed. Thats right the bed that when someone gets on it they have to bounce on it. Its just so comfy. I want to curl up in it, under the big nice warm covers. Fall asleep and never have to wake up again. Im not saying die. Im saying coma. Coma for 10-15 years. A rip van winkle type of sleep. Maybe when i woke up shit would be different. Maybe people will have changed. Actually they probably will have changed, just for the worse. Thats where we are headed as a country. Society in general is just going to shit. And we are leading it there. Hope we are happy. Anyways ill write more tommorow. Its 5am and time for bed. Here is one of my poems to leave you with. I hope you enjoy it. If you actually read this whole rant. Leave me a comment even if its just your name and hi. I really want to know who actually took the time to read this one. Thank you.

Despair

It’s cold here, and lonely
Rain spatters against the glass
Water washes, drips, and weeps
relentlessly rolling drops
They match the aching grief
Bleeding from my soul
Through dull and empty eyes.
I want to tell you I miss you
That I love you, I need you
That I just can’t breathe without you
But what would be the point
Pain won’t bring us back.
Instead I scream silently
Against dank and dreary glass
Listening to the sound of water
Streaming down the drain
A pseudo proxy waterfall
Of dark and deep despair

Last few days

2004-04-15T02:51:00.000-05:00

I know i havent posted in the last couple days. Just been busy with a few things and really just didnt have much to say. Lets see, whats happend in the life of paul in the last couple of days. Well Monday i watched the movie Somethings gotta givewith Jack Nicholson and Diane Keaton. It was a good movie, i really enjoyed it. And yea it would probably be considered a chick flick but who cares. It was funny because it had Nicholson. He is great in anything he is in. He plays a man who only likes to sleep with girls under 30. Keaton plays her typical uptight female who is a goody goody. And of course over the course of the movie they fall for each other. I was watchin the movie and thinkin to myself. Jesus i would probably be Keatons charecter in the movie. Uptight, and likes to have thing set and controlled. Then she meets someone who is the opposite of that. Someone who really enjoys life. And then he helps her learn how to enjoy life. So she falls for him, but then Jack gets better and can leave her home and goes back to his old life. Crushing her. Later he realizes how much he does care for her and goes crawling back to her only to see that she has someone else. But then she sees him and still cares for him so of course they get together in the end.

Honestly, it sort of seems like my life. Its great when you meet someone who is different then you are and helps you enjoy life. A free spirit. After awhile things change though. They move on and you still want to enjoy life, its just harder with them not around to enjoy it with. But you know you have to figure out a way how to enjoy it. And the thing is you wouldnt change any of the time with that free spirit for anything in the world. Because it was great. And now you know that life can be fun, if you allow it to be. You just have to let go and enjoy. Which is what i am trying to do now. Its gonna be hard sure. But damn it i deserve it. Dont i? I just wish i could still enjoy it with that free spirit... but i just have to accept it i guess.

So the next day i get up and get packed and get ready to head back to oswego. Luckily i didnt forget anything at home this time. But my dad wanted to drive the new car to watertown since him and my mom were going there to look at some things. So i let him. And i went as a passenger with my mom in her car. So i put my cds in. And i get the lecture of how most of the stuff i listen too isnt music. Rap isnt music, my hard rock isnt music, my metal isnt music. The only ones she considered music was the oldies i had on it or a song that had more of an actual singing tone to it. Where its more of like a ballad then anything. Plus she doesnt believe that swear words should be in any songs. So there goes have my music. I put in a mix cd. 20 songs. I think i listened to 4 since the rest used swears in them. There were a couple times i let those songs go because i really wanted to hear them. But i usually just moved past them because i didnt want to make mom mad. So i stop in watertown. Picked up a couple things at the mall. Went to electronics boutique and bought another ps2 controller after mine fried while i was at home. The guy tried to sell me on an xbox instead of my ps2. Tempting but i already have tons of games for my ps2 no point in changing now. Then i made one more stop in the mall and headed home. Got back to a downpour. At least it wasnt snow like in tupper. So i think about unpacking later and not getting everything wet. But then i got in here and realize that i didnt have my computer, since i took the tower home and my ps2 was in the car. So i of course unpacked the car in the pouring rain. Needless to say, i was soaked afterwards. So i did what any smart person would. I set everything up drenched then started to talk to people and play games. Yup thats right why get out of wet clothes? No point in it.

Today i didnt do much, drove around a couple times, went to blockbuster and got Kill Bill volume 1. I had already seen it but its a good movie. The thing is i got the last copy that the guy had just put back actually. And as im getting ready to check out, this hot girl comes in and asks him if kill bill was in. He said one copy. Then i handed him the case he looked at it and said no wait its out. I felt kind of bad since i had already seen the movie. But i figured if she wanted we could work an arangement out. Yup thats right, pauls mind. To the gutter. She just looked at me hopin i would just be like oh she can have it. Yea right, like thats gonna happen. Looks are nice but trust me it takes far more then that to get me to cave in on something. Tears are a good start. If i see a girl cry, i feel like an asshole. Even if i didnt have anything to do with it. Its just the way it is. Then i thought well she could always come back to the aparment and watch it. And i swear. I had the best intentions in mind. Trust me...

Anyways i get back and play some more Resident evil Outbreak online. Its a great game. Lots of fun. Get back online and start talkin to mary. She invities me over to her house for a "Potato Party" Now some of you may be asking yourself what the fuck is a potato party. Well i asked mary that. A potato party is where we cook potatos and eat them. Thats right. And its a party. So i said sure ill come over. I mean she said she was gonna cook, so lets see, a free meal and someone cookin it for me. Yea im game. So we have this potato party. And it was actually alot of fun. I met this guy named nick. He was funny. Lots of jokes were made. And it was good. So let me just say thanks mary for the good time tonight. I enjoyed it. Now im back here and getting ready for bed. Got somethings to do tommorow. I will more then likely right a long post tommorow night. You will know why its long when you see the title im sure. Anyways till then good night all.

Man oh Man.....

2004-04-12T01:25:00.000-05:00

Well first off let me say thanks to everyone for their comments. I do check them daily so they dont go un noticed. I appreacite all feedback left for me. If there is a part of my rants that you like let me know. If there is a part you dont like much let me know. Granted dont expect it to really change much. I just like to know what people like and dislike. Im an inquizzitive person. I like to know what people are thinking even if they dont want me too. Just curious i guess. But if im actually able to see the person while they are saying things i can usually read them. Even if they arent saying certain things i still know what they are hiding. Weird?? Yes. Of course its never 100% on. Im sure im off sometimes. But for some reason i am far more right with the thoughts then i am wrong. I dont want to sound cocky or anything, just i would like to think i am able to read people preatty well. I mean i ask questions that really dont mean anything, but their answers to them can say things. And trust me, ive done it everyone i know. It lets me get to know their personallity better. Even if they dont want me too. Which is why if your one of my close friends its because ive looked into you and saw what i liked. I saw a combination of different attitutdes and traits that i think makes a good friend and they also more then likely share many traits that i myself have. Lets see an example would be ryan. As he says, he is brutaly honest. That my friends i greatly enjoy. I love to be brutally honest with people, since there is no reason to hide anything because if they dont like ya for what you are or what you think fuck em.

So i state my mind, and yes it gets me in fights, lots of them over the course of my life so far. And yes ive lost friendships over it and i will lose more before my life is done. But thats the way i am. Its the way it has to be. Honesty is always the best way to deal with things. So if you ask me a question. You better expect a real answer. I mean if you look at me and say paul do i look good in what im wearing. If you look fine ill tell ya. If you look horrible ill tell ya, If you look like a slut. Such as bryan in tight leather pants. I will definatly tell ya. None of that you look great no matter what. Fuck that. They asked your opinion for a reason. Might as well give it to them instead of some answer on tape type of deal. You know what i mean. Lets say a girl asks ya something. The usual response for a male would be to tell her what she wants to here and make her happy and happy with you. I guess i can see why they do that. But i just dont do it. If a girl says paul am i ugly? I tell her my thoughts. It could go either no your not and your foolish for thinking such nonesense. Or i could say, i wouldnt say ugly but how about less attractive. But then i would go on to explain it doesnt matter what i think, what should matter to anyone is what they themselves think about it. If they think they look good, go with it. If you think you look like shit, fine. If you wanna fix it, do it. If you dont then stop worrying about it and move on. I look at myself in the mirror.

I know i could make myself better. I could easily lose some weight, shave more often shit like that. But i enjoy being me. I mean i could never be some jacked guy who walks around on the beach with a 6 pack flexin his muscles and just acting like an idiot. But i would never want to be that guy anyways, since i of course hate douchebags. Latley people have been saying that ive lost weight. I dont see it. I might have, i might not have. Frankly weight comes and goes. Im sure it will come back at some point. Til next fall atleast. Then ill get back in to my workout regimine with Bryan. I miss the gym this semester. Its a great stress reliever. I mean i would go with bryan 3 times a week last semester and do endurance training with him. It was great. I loved it. Sure i complained while doing it. But thats to keep up apperances, someone like me cant seem to want to do that stuff. Im supposed to be lazy right? But then i told bryan one day thanks, thanks for getting me back into it. And i ment it. I forgot how great it was. And i am dying to get back to it next fall. Plus, this is the added bonus. There is going to be a fucking Heavy Bag at our house next fall. Man i cant wait to wail on that fucking thing. I got into hitting the heavy bag near the end of last semester. Great stress reliever. I would just hit that thing, with everything i have for a couple mins and be so much happier since the rage left. What i would give to have one this semester. So much rage, nowhere to vent it. Of course i should probably use gloves, but i didnt last semester and all that happend was i took the skin off my knuckles. A little blood one day from it. No biggie.

Is it wrong to enjoy pain sometimes? Is it wrong that when you hurt you do it more to test your pain threshold? Ive done it many times, not just with the punching bag. Many things. Sometimes pain is the only release. That sounds bad and scary probably but its true. Pain makes everything else seem less important. Which is all i look for. Something to help me forget. Forget the pain, forget the issues, forget all of the problems that i seem to always find. Now dont go thinking that i like hurt myself on purpose. I dont. But if i get hurt i keep messin with it and makin it hurt more. And to be honest yes i do put myself in situations where getting hurt is more likely. But i dont care. Never have, never will.

So i tried to quit smoking. I wouldnt really say tried. I mean on the ride back to tupper i had only a couple left and i told myself that when this box was done i wouldnt buy another one and see how long i could go. Next day i bought one. Now dont think im addicted. I can quit. I know i can its a matter of mentallity. And i would like to think that when it comes to shit like this i can easily top it. But the thing is really wanting to quit. If i wanted to i could. I tell myself i want to. But why?? Because someone else tells me they are worried? That i am killing myself slowly and that they hate to see it? Thats why i figured i should stop. As we know i hate to disappoint people. But honestly shouldnt i quit because i want too? And right now they are keeping me from losing it completely. They calm me down. Now im sure some of you are saying but paul. They are a stimulant, they actually do the opposite. I know that. But for some reason when i smoke my mind clears. All the voices telling me different things shut the fuck up for a couple mins. Yea i hear voices in my head. Not like, Kill Kill Kill voices. But voices that state things i dont wanna hear and dont wanna believe but i have too. So i smoke, and i quiet those voices so that i can enjoy myself for a couple mins. I might try to quit again soon. But i want everyone to understand i might become very short with people for awhile. Get antsy, and edgy. Take things personally, and thinks lots of shit i probably shouldnt. So if i tell ya im trying to quit just be aware of that.

So i watched some movies over break so far. Lets see. Thursday night i watched Open Range with Kevin Costner. I was a little skeptical at first. It was a decent movie. Ive seen better, but i have seen far worse as well. Plus with Robert Duval in the movie its got a good cast. The other one i watched that night was Matrix Revolutions. I actually got half way through it and turned it off. I had already seen it anyways. Just didnt have to drive to watch it anymore. Friday night i watched The Rundown staring the one and only Rock. Its a funny movie and i enjoyed it. I had seen that in the theaters as well but i knew i would enjoy it. With Christopher Walken in it, talking about the tooth fairy how could you not? Last night i rented Mona Lisa Smile. Yup thats right a pure chick flick. I didnt rent it for me, in fact i didnt even watch it. Since i had seen it over break with jessie at the theaters. I got it for my mom. Figured she had put up with my movies i might as well get one for her. She watche it this morning before i woke up. She told me she really enjoyed it. I told her i figured she would since i liked it and it was a chick flick. So last night i watched Runaway Jury on pay per view. Really good movie, far better then i expected. But then again it had a great cast with Hackman and Cusack in it. Alright quick question anyone else think Cusack is a great actor? I mean so many movies he was in that i really enjoyed. I could go back to like One Crazy Summer. But my favorite movie of his is easily High Fidelity, that one made me realize how good an actor he is. Anyways thats basically all ive done over break. Watch movies. I think im gonna get HBO at my apartment now, i watched sopranos tonight man ive missed that show. So i figure ill get HBO so i have somethin to watch for this last month in school.

Alright so i gotta finish this project im working on. I want to get it done before i head back to oswego since i dont have the supplies i need there to finish it. And no its not for school. Its for someone. I can talk about it more after its done and delieverd. Well im going to get to work on it since i just have tonight and tommorow. Night all.

Home Sweet Home

2004-04-09T02:04:00.000-05:00

Well spring break started today. So i came home for a while. Figure i could use the time away from everything and just calm myself down. Its worked so far. I mean i came to a couple of conclusions today. First off when i was driving i figured that, that is actually when i am happiest in my life. Im always happy when im behind the wheel of a car. Im not sure why. It could be that im in controll of everything, or maybe im in controll of nothing and thats the great part. Either way i love it. Driving calms me, makes me serene. I also thought of something else about my driving. Now i dont want to sound like im bragging but lots of my friends have said im one of the better drivers they know. I mean sure there might be times where i make a mistake. Such as running that red light with djere. I seriously thought it was green and the other guy was turning left, so i went into the right lane and just went through. But those types of mistakes are few and far between. I think one of the reasons i am a good driver could be the fact that im not worried. I dont worry about what could happen if i make a mistake behind the wheel. If i make a mistake so be it, thats life. So i drive. The way i want to drive. Sometimes its viewed as reckless. Thats fine, it probably is. But i enjoy it and i am good at it so why not do it? Today i left my apartment at 515. Stopped to get gas, then later stopped at another place and got a drink and candy bar. Now its supposed to take someone about 3 hours to get home. I hit tupper it was 730. I made it home in 2 hours and 15 mins. Including stops. So of course i was going over the speed limit. And the great part was the cops that went by me didnt even give me a second thought. Averaging atleast 80 on the interstate and 70 on the normal highways. Made some good time. And for once i wasnt worried about anything. My mind wasnt focused on what it has been focused on alot latley. Instead i just sang that songs on my cd. Thank god for mp3 players. I had 165 songs on the cd, so i didnt need to change it at all. And there were songs for all kinds of moods.

Anyways the second thing i figured out was what it felt like to be loved unconditionally. I mean it may sound weird but i forgot what it was like til i saw my puppy. The second i pulled in the yard he was at the window barking his head off. Second i got near the door there he was with his head poking out the second i opened it. I got inside and he started running laps in the house and then comming back to my feet while i unpacked. I sit in the leather recliner to watch Open Range with my parents and the second i put up the foot rest he jumped up and layed right at my legs with his head on the arm rest. And he slept like that during the movie. I had forgotten what it was like to have someone, anyone care about you. And yes it is a dog, but that dog doesnt hate me for little things, doesnt get mad about people saying things. He just loves. You could be a stranger and sure he would bark, til you get inside, then he just wants to be petted. He doesnt hate anything, he loves all. And its great. The great thing is when new people come he almost ignores the regulars like me and my parents and stays around them. Like jess when she came up over winter break. My dog would follow her and want her to pet him all the time. He is like that with everyone. And comming home helped remind me of that. I miss it. Alot. Thats all i look for. But i get the feeling im destined to look forever. And i am prepared too. Its worth it.

I just dont know, i mean it makes me happy to be here. And i really just dont worry about anything when i am home which is great. But it also helps me realize things i miss. I dont know anymore. Love unconditionally, it sounds great doesnt it? I just get the feeling that when you deal with things like humans thats impossible to get. There will always be a condition to everything with the human race. You might not see it at the begining, but its there. Sometimes you realize the condition, but its too late. You have lost it. And no matter how much you would want it back, you cant have it. Anyways enough talk for now. I gotta get to sleep. Got a personal project i gotta get done before i go back next week. And i know its gonna take some time to put the finishing touches on it. So til tommorow goodnight everyone. And i love you all, unconditionally.

1234-1234

2004-04-04T21:17:00.000-05:00

You, you try, you try to get by.
"You're never going to pull it off",
"You shouldn't even try"
"You're a wet cigarette",
"You're always second best",
but they're never going to give a shit about anybody but themselves.
So you fight for them to realize;
there's more to life,
there's more to you,
there's more than meets the eye.
And when you're done, the battle's been won.
You sit back, you smile and this is what you hum,
you hum:

....12341234....

The years go by,
the time it does fly.
Every single second is a moment in time that passes
oh, so quick and it seems like nothing,
but when you're looking back,
well it amounts to everything.
I've got myself. I've got my friends.
I've got my little family,
but that's not where it ends.
This one goes out to you,
it goes out to everyone.
It's in the name of honesty because life has just begun.

.... 12341234....

Look around little brother,
Can you tell me what you see?
You're a big boy now,
so take responsibility.
You never had it hard,
but now it's getting tough,
so you whine, whine,
whine and you say you've had enough.
You say i'm full of shit That i'm a hypocrite I shouldn't talk,
when i can't take the advice that i give?
Well maybe you're right,
but open your eyes: the main difference here is that i try, try, try.

Its a song by Catch-22. Good song. Great lyrics. especailly for this time in my life. Anyways more later, back to the midterm.

Drinkin night

2004-04-04T04:02:00.000-05:00

So tonight i went over to the girls house. I wasnt going to do anything, actually i was going to do my homework since what i had hoped to do had fallen through. So i go to put gas in my car and come home and have 6 messages from mary. Telling me i should go over to her house and drink with everyone. And i wanted too. I had wanted to get trashed since i would say 6pm. But i didnt think i should because of my mental state and the last thing i ever wanted to be was one of those depressed drunks, talking about their sad things and crying all over the place. Well first off i can say i wasnt a depressed drunk tonight thank god. So after mary convinced me to go over and drink and then go out to the bars i went and shaved, then put on a nice shirt and headed over. I got over there and got a beer from marys fridge. Then sat down and talked with everyone. I hadnt seen some of them since last spring. So i mean its been a long time. And i forgot that some of them hadnt seen me since i shaved off the facial hair in the fall. So i got a compliment on that, thanks alice. And we sat and talked and drank for awhile. i had a beer and 2 and a half smirinoffs. Yes thats right i enjoy the bitch brew. Make fun all you want ive heard it all. I just dont like the taste of beer, never have, doubt i ever will. The only way i can drink beer alot is by playing beruit. Which i would like to say im preatty good at after practicing in gooses basement for what a year and a half i believe. Lots of good nights happend in that time let me tell ya. They were great memories. Anyways we finally decide to go the bars and go to the brick. Me, Bryan, Lyndsay and Ryan sat at a table and i had trashed Ryan go and get us both drinks. Yes i yet again got a girly drink i guess. I got a sex on the beach. I love them they are great. So i have that, bryan goes with nate to get a long island iced tea. However when bryan comes back with his and nate's with nate nowhere around. So after my sex on the beach i take the long island iced tea and drink that. i didnt want to drink to the point of where i had trouble walking because i had to drive home. And in all honesty i probably shouldnt have drove still. Driving was a little weird tonight. I mean i was nowhere near reckless just reaction time was a bit slow. But i can hide intoxication well if i say so. So it was fine. Im home and safe, no worries. I know i shouldnt say it but i have driven many times in tupper after drinking. Not safe yes, but its tupper and i am still in controll when i do it. Back to the story. So we decide to go get some pizza at cams. Lyndsay and I came to a discovery in cams. You have to get buzzed into the bathroom thats why it always seems locked when we try to use it. So now we know, and knowing is half the battle. Im sure a couple of you can tell me what thats from. So we walk back to the girls house so Lyndsay can drive the guys back and i get my car to head home. All in all it was a fun night. I got to see people i havent seen in a long time and i enjoyed it. And the drinking did sort of help me forget about lifes fucking problems. If even for a little while. On the other side when im intoxicated things that usually wouldnt seem like good ideas to paul sound like fine ideas. And usually i act upon them. So i wrote an email tonight. And im not sure if ill get shit for the email or not. Its hard to say. Guess ill have to wait and see huh. Anyways heres to hoping that the email doesnt get me more shit. And with that im going to head to bed its fucking late and i got my homework that i didnt do tonight to do tommorow. But i wouldnt have it any other way. Good night all.

Prayers

2004-04-03T16:19:00.000-05:00

Just a quick note. I talked to my mom today. She informed me that Mr and Mrs Grulich died last night in a plane crash. They were such nice people. They loved everyone and were always so cheerful. Mr Grulich was my 10th grade science teacher and he was always so nice to me. His wife was my P.E teacher in elementary school. She too was always nice and cheerful. They lived on the street behind me so i would see them alot. And on halloween instead of the little candy bars most people had they would have selections for you. Want this necklace? How about this coloring book. Or this toy car. They loved kids and kids loved them. But they are gone now and my prayers are with their remaining family. Why is it that the decent people in tupper lake die early while the ones that are complete assholes live into their 90's? Life just isnt fair.

Good/Bad. Hard to say.

2004-04-03T03:47:00.000-05:00

Of course im talking about the last couple days. I mean ive had both good things and bad things happen. Nothing massivly major in either direction. But still. Lots of things add up over time dont they? Well lets start off with yesterday. I get up at 645 on 3 hours sleep like i normally do to get to my 8am class. Get up, get ready and head to school. On the way to class i notice that the steering feels a little off, but just figured it was because i was exhausted. I get to class, and there was like all of 6 people in class. Figures since we had a test on tuesday they knew they could miss. Well anyways the teacher lets us out early since she didnt really want to move onto to much new stuff. So i think about registering for classes, but i was dead tired and just wanted to sleep, so i said ill take care of that on monday. Which i still plan on doing. So i head out to my car. Get in and start to pull away only to feel the front left of the car going bump,bump,bump. I get out. I had a fuckin flat. Figures. So i go to the gas station right next to the campus, luckily there was enough air so i wasnt riding on the rim. I get there and put air in the tire to see if maybe it was an april fools joke and someone just let the air out. No fuckin chance. The second i fill it up i hear air rushing out of it. So i fill it back up, and take off hoping to make it home without the tire running out of air. So im goin about 75 on the road back to oswego, not the safest thing yes, but i was on a time frame here. So i get home and know im gonna have to put the donut on it. But i figure doesnt matter right now im not going anywhere so why not just go to bed. So thats what i did, i slept. But before sleeping i message Bryan and ask him to help with the tire, since yes paul hasnt had to change a tire before and isnt to handy with a jack. So he came over when i woke up around like 230. So of course at this time it has to be raining right? I mean there is no way its gonna be sunny out when i have to change a tire. So me and bryan work on changing the tire and get it done. We come inside and start talkin about lots of things. Then i realized what time it was and that i had to jet because i promised jess i would pick her up at 345 for her appointment at 4.

So i speed across town and make it to the campus. I get there and jess thought i had forgotten about her. So i told her i was sorry, car had a flat and i had to fix it. Which isnt a lie. So we get in the car and head to the appointment. Now me and jess were supposed to talk afterwards but she told me she had to talk to her dad about the fasfa after her meeting but that we could talk after that if i wanted so i agreed. I then dropped her off to her meeting and headed back here to kill time for an hour. I went and picked her back up and we went back to the dorms and decided we were going to get dinner after she was done talking to her dad as well. Since we both hadnt eaten. Well about an hour later or so she finishes with her dad, but she had forgotten about a concert at 8 and it was about 7 at the time we were gonna leave. She didnt want to cut our time short or cut our discussion short so she called her friend and told him that she wasnt going to be able to make it because she had promised me to have the talk and eat. I appreciated that, i mean i was happy that she was willing to miss it for our conversation. So we go to wendys and get food. Of course she gets mayonaise to go with the ketchup to put on her fries. I still just shake my head at that. Its disgusting, case closed. Plus we arent in holland are we?? Isnt that where they put mayonaise on fries??

Anyways we discuss her dream, we discuss my dream. We discuss my smoking habits and how she doesnt really like them since i am killing myself slowly and she hates to see me do it. So i actually didnt smoke on our ride later where as i would normally have had about 4 in the time frame. We discuss my blog while in wendys. She tells me that things i have written as of late have worried her and made others worry as well. I told her that wasnt my intent and it wasnt. Its just that is my frame of mind, has been for a long time. I just have been able to hide it.. And yes i do have it in my profile so those that want to can read it. But the fact still remains that the blog is to help me ease my mind right? I mean its for me to get shit off my chest and to vent. So im going too. No pulled punches, nothin like that. So consider this the warning for future posts. Some will be depressing. Some will be happy. All will probably somewhat long and more then likely a little weird when comming from my mind. So if you are afraid you might read something that makes you either mad, sad, glad and any other word that has ad in it. I mean serioulsy if you dont think you can handle what i say dont read. Im sure i will worry people at times. But understand its better i write it down then keep inside isnt it? If i keep things inside wont the eat away at me and turn me into a monster? Or worse yet, someone who just hates everyone and himself? So i say what i want and what i feel. Its the way things are.

Sorry about that. Now back to the story. So we get done eatting and go to have our talk. I will leave specifics out of it becasue it was a personal conversation between me and jess. Just understand that we both had good talks. And amazingly enough i was actaully able to say things this time. I have a bad habit of saying i want to talk about something and then not being able to in person because to be honest females just intimidate the hell out of me. Not sure why but they do. Anyways we finish our conversation and i bring her back to the dorms so she can get ready to see her friend later. She gave me a couple hugs while saying bye because i know she saw i was kind of sad. Sadly i cant really tell ya why it just has to do with the last part of conversation and the way i felt about something. She told me that what i felt wasnt true and it wasnt going to be like that and to trust her. So i try, but its hard. I mean i just look at the circumstances and just dont see a way to believe it can work the way she said. Anyways i leave and head home, and on the way back to my apartment i feel my eyes start to water. And im thinking to myself what the hell?? Why on earth are my eyes watering. So i make sure i get home fast. I get home and feel myself in a very down mindset. And i just couldnt figure out for the life of my why the hell i was down. I had an idea but i didnt know if that could be it. But i finally figured it out in my head. I dont know if i should say it in here or not. What the hell i know its not the smartest move but its better out then in. I realized that i had missed jess. Missed talking with her, missed hanging out with her. Missed the hugs and closeness. And i also realized that im gonna miss them more now. Im sure some of you know our friendship has taken a hit this semester. With me being off campus and everything. And i just dont know if we can fix it. So thats what made me sad i think. Is that even with how much i miss seeing her and talking with her about things and being close that its just not going to go back to the way it was, no matter how much i wish it could. Anyways jess agreed while getting out of the car it is harder to talk about things in person. And that we would continue our conversation very soon. Which i hope we do. Im sure in due time we will. Anyways the rest of that night is very uneventful, i played some xbox and and watched tv. Ahh cowboy bebop, family guy and futurama. Its a good hour an a half spent nightly. Then i remember shit, Kid notorious is on Comedy central. So i actaully watched that instead of Family guy and Futurama last night. Its a funny fuckin show. I enjoy it, hope its comming back soon.

So that brings us to today. I get up at 2 today. Thats right i can sleep in on basically any day i wish. Its great. Except today i woke up with a fuckin migrane. I didnt play around with it today, i went took some stuff and got rid of that fucker. I get them alot in spring it sucks. So then i decide to call dad and say call larry and ask him to look at the tire and see if it can be fixed. No word from dad an hour later so i call larrys garage and talk to them. They said yes we can look at it but be here by 430. I said no problem it was 345 i should be there easily by then. Well i forgot about the trafic issue in oswego on fridays. So it was traffic jam. Doenst help when 3 cop cars and 2 ambulences are on the other side of the bridge because of some accident or something. Luckily i noticed it before i headed across and cut across two lanes to turn left and go down a back road. Saved some time there, that im sure of. So i get to larrys at about 422. Lucky me. He fixed the tire and only charged me 5 bucks. Which was fine by me. So i drive home and get ready for a night with the guys.

I was gonna meet Bryan and Ryan around 645 for pizza at cams then we were goin to the movies to see Walking Tall. So we went and ate, went and saw the movie. It was as good as i expected. No great story, decent action with the rock hitting people with a big piece of lumber. And Knoxville had some good comedy lines in the movie. So after that we leave and the guys invite me back to the dorms for awhile. Of course i accepted. I mean it was that or come here and sit by myself. Yay!. So we go back and me and Bryan play a little football on his xbox. Of couse we dominated. Im happy to report that the fist game. Half Back Paul Lefebvre had rushed for 134 yards and 3 touchdowns on like 12 carries. Oh yea did i mention that Lefebvre is the top running back in the league. And of course he is made to stats. 5'8 300lbs. I mean sure maybe i lied a bit on the speed and such but really whos looking at that. So while we are playing a second game, Ryan gets a message from Nate askin if we wanted to go visit and have some beers. We said sure why the hell not.

So on the way to Nates i see this car pull a U-turn and start following me. I mean whenever i turned he would stick with me. I figured shit, its either some i have pissed off, or someone hoping to see where i leave the new car. I go to park in front of nates and the car slows down, they look at me and then pull down the road a bit. The turn back around and head back. I figure great they are gonna bitch at me for something. They stop the car and say, Do you know where the happin bars are tonight? I was like um not really. So ryan comes over thinking they are givin me shit. And he gladly tells them a couple bars to go to. They were 30 year old guys from niagra falls looking for college tail. In this town their chances of getting some is about a 95%. So congrats guys. Anyways we go inside and there is no nate. We call throughout the house, no nate, no answer. So we decided to wait a couple mins. Nate comes back he had to go get some keroseen for the heater. So we sat in the living room and talked for about an hour and a half. Guys being guys. It was fun. I enjoyed it. Then we had to leave, Bryan has a Tournament tommorow in fulton. He is gonna be fighting the blackbelts from other areas. Good luck buddy. So we say night and bryan lets me borrow his jack and jack stand so i can change my tire tommorow when i get up. I got laundry to do and a tire to change so i should try and get up at a resonably early hour. Maybe noon.

And that brings us back to here. Where i am yet again watchin tv, playin videogames, and writing in my blog. I do have some things on my mind. Im sure that some of you can figure out what. Especially with this post. Im sure my mind will be at ease at somepoint and then i can just enjoy myself. I just really hope me and jess can finish our conversation either tommorow or sunday. But definatly before i leave for break on wednesday. Anyways i hope you guys enjoyed that thing i posted earlier today. Im happy you did it lyndsay. And of course your white. You know that. We understand each other great. Hence the reason i said that thing was fuckin accurate on basically all accounts.

Im sure you can see the good and bad things the last couple of days. Good things such as the talk with jess, hanging out with the guys. The bad things such as Flat tire comming out of class, thinking someone is gonna start some shit, and having to realize why i was sad last night. I would still say the good things outweighed the bad a little bit. But not by much that flat tire just pissed me off so much. Even new cars give me problems. Like chris said in his message to me yesterday. That i have no luck with cars. I should get either a horse. Or a midget with a saddle. Frankly i think the midget with a saddle sounds more fun. Could you imagine pullin up to school on a midget. Just think of the chicks you would score with that. Oh yea!!

Try this.

2004-04-02T17:19:00.000-05:00

Hey i got this email and tried it. I would say its preatty fuckin accurate. Exspecially with the colors part. You will see what i mean just dont jump ahead. My answers are gonna be at the bottom so you can see what i said, if you want feel free to post your answers in the Comments section .Thanks

Just 4 questions and the answers will surprise you. Do not cheat by looking up the answers.

The mind is like a parachute, it works best when it is opened.
This is fun to do, but you have to follow the instructions very closely.

Do not cheat.

MAKE A WISH BEFORE BEGINNING THE TEST!!

A Warning! Answer the questions as you go along. There are only four

questions and if you see them all before finishing, you will not have

honest results. Go down slowly and do each exercise as you scroll down.

Don't, look ahead Get pencil and paper to write your answers as you go along.

You will need it at the end.

This is an honest questionnaire that will tell you a lot about your true self.

PERSONALITY TEST:

Put the following five animals in the order of your preference.

Write down the animal names (not just the letter)

Cow

Tiger

Sheep

Horse

Pig

(Stop)

Write one word that describes each one of the following:

Dog

Cat

Rat

Coffee

Sea

(Stop)

Think of someone (who also knows you and is important to you)

that you can relate to the following colors (do not repeat your answer

twice, Name just one person for each color.)

Yellow

Orange

Red

White

Green

(Stop)

Finally, write down your favourite number and your favourite day of the week.

(Stop)

Wish for something you REALLY WANT.

Look at the interpretations below: (but first before continuing, repeat

your wish.)

Item # 1: This will define your priorities in your life.

Cow Signifies CAREER

Tiger Signifies PRIDE

Sheep Signifies LOVE

Horse Signifies FAMILY

Pig Signifies MONEY

Item # 2:

Your description of dog implies YOUR OWN PERSONALITY.

Your description of cat implies the personality of YOUR PARTNER.

Your description of rat implies the personality of YOUR ENEMIES.

Your description of coffee is how you interpret SEX.

Your description of the sea implies YOUR OWN LIFE.

Item # 3:

Yellow: Someone you will never forget

Orange: Someone you consider your true friend

Red: Someone that you really love

White: Your twin soul

Green: Someone that you will remember for the rest of your life

Item # 4:

You have to send this message to as many persons as your favourite number

and your wish will come true on the day that you put.

"The only way to fail is to quit"

My answers to the first part was Tiger, Horse, Sheep,Cow Pig.
The second part was Ruff, Pretty, Vermine, Hyper and Calm.
Third part is Yellow- Bryan, Orange - Steph, Red - Jess, White - Lyndsay, and Green - Ryan.

Number was 5, and the day was friday. Anyways i just found it kind of strange to be be as accurate as it was. Later all. ill write more tonight about yesterday and whatever happens today.

Best man..... Me????

2004-04-01T01:59:00.000-05:00

So today was an interesting day. Not much happend but it was still interesting. I mean i woke up around 130pm today. Since i of course dont have classes on wednsday. Did a couple chores around the apartment, cleaned a little and got ready to go to dinner with my brother and his fiance. Thats right they wanted to take me to dinner. So they got here around 5 and we talked about things in my life. School, friends, stuff like that. Then they wanted to go to a resturant. They saw the ruby tuesdays and wanted to go there but i explained to them that it wasnt open yet. So we decided to go to friendlys. It was a decent meal. I did enjoy the chocolate shake. yum. So we get back to my place and my brother first starts saying so it looks like you have lost weight. I told him i didnt think i had but thanks. However i have had others who know me say that as well. So maybe its true. Heres hoping huh. So then we talked about me taking vitamins. And he told me i should take my vitamin daily instead of when i remember. Well if i rememberd daily i would take it daily wouldnt i? Anyways then we discuss my hair loss. Damn it. I used to have wonderfull hair. Now its leaving, and i am getting gray hair. So my brother got the idea that I might have a gland problem which is why im going gray and losing my hair at the same time aparently. So then he finishes with so what are you doing on april 16th of next year. I said umm well i thought it was your wedding but i can do somethin else if you want. He just said well your going to be the best man. Needless to say i was dumbfounded. I was like dan im appreciate it, but if there is someone else you wanna have do it thats fine. But then i said alright ill do it. I mean me and my brother love each other but i figured that he would want one of his friends he has grown up with to do it for him. But instead he chose me, his younger brother. Thinking about it, it makes me wanna cry. Not because of sadness for once. But because im happy. It really means alot for him to pick me like that. Because one thing with my brother, with my whole family really is. If we dont want to do something or dont want to pick something we wont. No matter how much pushing from people. We like to make our own decisions which means that to he truely wants me as his best man. Of course im worried. I mean im gonna have to give that little speech at the banquet and i am definatly not a public speaker. What am i gonna say?? "Hey dan rememeber the time... and we were able to hide it from mom and dad. Oh shit they still didnt know huh. Talking about the time we broke some things in the house when we decided it would be fun to play football inside. Bad idea yes, but the dog we had at the time took the blame. I dont know, its gonna be great either way. Of course i told my mom about what dan said. She got so happy. She was happy i finally had good news to give her instead of the bad news i always have. Then i told her about my test grades and everything else, the fact that we might have found a house to stay in next year. All good news. So im gonna leave it at that for tonight. I mean not much left to say about today. Im sure ill have alot more to talk about tommorow night. Busy busy day tommorow. Night all.

Just one of those Days

2004-03-31T03:51:00.000-05:00

Today was a weird day. Not really what I would call a good day either. Just weird. I mean to start it off I had one hour of sleep before my math test this morning. I went to bed at like 3. Had to watch cowboy bebop, family guy then futurama. But then I couldn't fall asleep. My mind was racing about things for the night. I mean I was looking at the clock it said 510. I was like Jesus, then I remember waking up and looking at the clock it said 615. I figured no point in going back to bed since I had to be up in 30 mins anyway so I lean over grab the remote and turn the TV on. Decided I would just watch some of Yankees vs Devil rays game on the YES network. Now I like the Yankees but I love sleep. But I got up and got ready for class. Studied for all of 5 mins then got dressed and headed to class. Go there, made sure to buy myself a soda and down about half of it. Took my test, think I did alright. Couple parts I couldn't remember, ill blame that on being dead tired. I had trouble keeping my eyes open during the test. So I finished it and drove back here. In about 10 mins I was out like a light in bed again. Set the alarm for 2pm so I could get my stuff done for my presentation for my night class. So I got up at 2 and did the work. It wasn't that hard just a lot of highlighting. And I have Ryan to thank for the help with the presentation. I had to give a 5 min presentation on how The U.S could have stopped World War 2 before it even began. But wait it gets better. I have to say how they could have stopped it psychologically before it began. Yea good fucking luck. So Ryan told me all about the versciie treaty, or however you spell. He told me all about it and I knew I would do fine. So I get there tonight and the teacher figured he would have a normal class for once. So the first 2 hours of class were normal, he taught and then for the last 40 mins of class he wanted us to give a couple presentations. So he asked who had world war 2 since that's what he taught. So my two group mates, Nick and Rick raise their hands and I raise mine. He said ok Nick why don't you go tonight, then he saw me with my hand raised. He got a smile on his face and said you know what why don't you go tonight Paul. So I said sure, figuring I was fine with the help of Ryan. I just get the feeling the teacher hates me. Don't know why just get that feeling. So I give my presentation. He tore through me like I was nothing. He ripped me a new one. I told him the points that I had discussed with Ryan before and he basically told me that wasn't enough and he wants more. I mean Jesus Christ man what do you expect. Its stopping world war 2 psychologically. So I mean I made points and he just shot them down. Then at the end he looks at me and says Paul can you have more for next time. I said yes sir. Thinking in my head, you little fucker. If I knew where you lived...... In the words of Caddyshack 2. Can you scream "Lord help me there's a man in my living room with a fucking flamethrower". Harsh yes, but the man deserves it. He cant teach worth a damn. The only thing I do is look like I'm paying attention then go to my own little world inside my head, and we all know that's not a good place to be going lately. So that was not a good day.

The only plus side of today really. Was going for a ride with Lyndsay. We talked for almost 2 hours. And I enjoyed it. I think its what I needed, talk to someone that understands me. Get a couple things off my chest. Atleast for that time we were talking I wasn't mad, or sad or angry or anything like that. I was content. I haven't been content in awhile actually. Usually just anxious about something. And never really sure what.

Anyways, the only thing I forgot to mention about my day was the fact that my older brother out of the blue emailed me and said him and his fiance wanted to drive up and see me and have dinner. So I'm happy I mean I love my brother and his fiance is really nice too. I'm just curious as to why all of a sudden he wants to get together for dinner. I have a strong feeling he has been talking with my parents. Since they know the problems I've been having around here I'm sure they told him about them. And he is gonna check make sure I'm alright and try and talk me through it. Man having a big brother that cares about ya is great. I mean me and him never fought. Well rarely fought I should say when we were younger. I mean sure he did trick me into drinking that full glass of apple vinegar when I was younger, tellin me it was ginger ale so I just pounded it. But I got him back. I put the glass down and punched him in the nuts. Fair deal id say. Well him and his friends didn't think so. Chased me outside the house and grabbed me, threw me in the 9 foot deep end of our pool fully clothed and with wallet and watch on. I didn't care it was a hot day anyways. LOL. But him taking an interest in me know kind of worries me. Mean he has either heard about the issues I'm having and is scared. Not good since he's a doctor. Last thing I need is to be analyzed. The other reason could be that he figures with his life moving on with him getting married, he wants to get closer to the family because he understand that later in life family is all we have. And yes I will be there for anythin he needs. And yes I do understand that with him and his fiance both going to be surgeons that they will be into the money should we say. Just hope he remembers me then :). Anyways. In short what I'm trying to say is I'm nervous about seeing my brother and his fiance tomorrow but happy as hell cause I miss him. He has always been a voice of reason for me. Except for those two years where this bitch made him insane. But that's a different story all together. LOL.

Fuckin psycho bitches. My dad still warns me about them everytime he sees me. Always saying Paul be careful. Don't let anyone mess with your head. Remember what happened to Dan with Kate. Oh lord how could I forget. So I tell him I know dad trust me no girl will take advantage of this guy. And I know for a fact that I would be easy pickings for any girl looking to take advantage of a guy. But I just lie to myself and say nah, your stronger then that. Your mentality is able to withstand the female ability to corrupt the male. But then I look back at my life and laugh. I have too. I don't think there has been one time where my mentality was strong enough to withstand the female. One corruption after another I guess. Ah well, I can say most of the time it was worth it. But there are those other times where I say to myself man why the hell did I let her take advantage of me like that, and just couldn't find a reason that would make it ok.

But that is life isn't it. Everyone is different. And everyone changes over time. Some for the better, others for the worse. We drift apart. Usually for reasons that can be easily fixed. But we just don't try. We figure that if the friendship was worth anything it would be fine anyways. But what we as a individuals fail to grasp is anything worth having, you have to fight to keep. You cant expect things to fall into place all the time. Friendships falter, friendships completely disappear. But its up to us to put the pieces back together again. I've had my fair share of fights with friends. Only once have I not be able to rebuild the friendship. And honestly, I just don't care about that one person if I did I would have tried along time ago. This last year I have started hanging out with friends I hadn't seen or talked to in a long time. I mean I didn't see eye to eye with Z or Poulin at one point and we went our separate ways. But then we started hanging out again I saw poulin a couple times over the summer last year. And saw z a couple times too. Then this last Christmas break. I hung out with them a lot. Hell poulin drove me and jess around on new years eve since he wasn't going to drink. Thanks by the way buddy I did appreciate that. And then the 3 of us and steph would go to the bar a couple times a week and play darts and drink we just had fun. Like we used too. I'm happy those guys have come back into my life. They make it fun. Poulin loves his adventures that's all I'm gonna say.

Anyways I don't know why I said all this. I think its the fact that I feel a friendship dwindling away. I'll bet the person i am talking about knows it. And no matter how hard I want to keep it, I'm just not sure its going to be possible. Its a sad thing I know. But I'm just not sure if the friendship can ever be repaired. I mean I still talk with this person on occasion. Its just not the same anymore, and I doubt it ever will be :( . But as I said, that's life. And we must move on. Who knows maybe I am wrong and this friendship can go back to the way it was. But I'm 95% sure that its gonna fade away into nothing over time. Which is honestly a shame. But I guess I am just going to have to live with that. Sorry about the long rant at the end. Night all.

2004-03-30T14:22:00.000-05:00

Got this Email today and felt like posting it. I enjoyed it, found it funny.

The Guys' Rules

At last a guy has taken the time to write this all down. Finally, the guys' side of the story. (I must admit, it's pretty good.)

We always hear "the rules" from the female side. Now here are the rules from the male side. These are our rules!

Please note... these are all numbered "1" ON PURPOSE!

1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.

1. Sunday sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.

1. Shopping is NOT a sport. And no, we are never going to think of it that way.

1. Crying is blackmail.

1. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints do not work! Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work! Just say it!

1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.

1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

1. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.

1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 days.

1. If you won't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect us to act like soap opera guys.

1. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us.

1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other way.

1. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done. Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.

1. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.

1. Christopher Columbus did not need directions and neither do we.

1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.

1. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.

1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," we will act like nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.

1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear.

1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine...Really.

1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as baseball, the shotgun formation, or monster trucks.

1. You have enough clothes.

1. You have too many shoes.

1. I am in shape. Round is a shape.

1. Thank you for reading this. Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight; but did you know men really don't mind that? It's like camping.

Pass this to as many men as you can - to give them a laugh.

Pass this to as many women as you can - to give them a bigger laugh!!!

Lonely World.

2004-03-29T02:01:00.000-05:00

The title of this post is the song im listening to right now. Dont worry ill get to that. So i went for a ride tonight. Left here at 1030, just got back thats right its 1am. Some of you are probably asking yourselves "Paul where the fuck could you go for 2 and a half hours?" Well the answer is Watertown. I left here and just started heading out of town. I went into my own head. Thinking about many many things. And when i stopped thinking for a min i was in Watertown. I figured i should probably turn around or my luck i would have driven all the way back to tupper. So i turned around and headed back. The wind was kind of bad, threw the car in the other lane a couple times. Fucking wind. Anyways i gotta say i love I81. For the simple fact that to me at it doesnt have a speed limit exspecially on a sunday night at that time. So i decided that i might as well do what i do best. Speed like a mother fucker. The only part of the drive where i didnt really focus on anything and just enjoyed the ride was when i was goin 100. Is that wrong? I mean sure had a cop seen me i would have been fucked. But i really just dont care. They could pull me over. Ask what i was doing. Id say speeding. He would ask why. tonight i would have probably said why not? Not the best of answers but seriously, why the fuck not. I got a car right now that can move, and if i feel like going that fast and putting my life on the line why cant i? It was freeing that much i know. It was good. Saw a couple deer on the side of the road too. Reminded me of going home after work, when i used to get done at 12am. I would leave work and head home. The road was like the back a snake, very very curvy. I still got about 65, 70 on it. I just figure i know it so well why the fuck not. And i work for the state so i get pulled over wearing my state shirt chances of getting a ticket are very slim. Since i know most of the troopers in the area now anyways. But i always see deer standing on the side of the road. Just looking at me. Happy the never ran out in front of me. That could be bad. lol yea right. So i get home and the results are. Half a tank of gas and over half a pack of cigerrets are gone and still no change. Nothin. Same me. It really isnt a good thing. So my music of choice on this ride. I listened to my Nine Inch Nails mix i made before, and then i followed that up with some of the new Limp Bizkit cd. thats actaully the song im listening to now on repeat. Follow that with BNL's song "War on Drugs". And then i finished with the mix i made before with alot of sad songs if you listen to them. I mean they are good songs, just have some sadness to most of them. One song came on and i started to cry. Thats right yours truley crying like a little bitch yet again. What song was it you may ask. It was Blues Travlers "Just Wait". Such a good song on so many levels. I love it.

Well in other news today i was thinking about masks. Not like halloween masks; but the masks that each and everyone of us wear. Remember the part in The Mask with Jim Carrey where he talks to Ben Stein and he talks about how we all wear masks metaphorically speaking. Thats what im talking about. I have so many masks i need three closets. I have masks for every type of situation. Sometimes they are the wrong ones too. Lets take when i went and saw the passion of the christ. Great movie. Sad movie. But the part where Judas was getting the shit kicked out of him by the little kids. I started laughing out loud. Everyone else in the theater was like disturbed by it, and there i am laughing. I dont know why, but it was funny to me. Some man being afraid of 10 little kids. Even if they looked like demons to me i would still just slap the shit out of them. Atleast i would like to think i would. After the movie bryan and lyndsay said they heard someone laughing during that part. So i of course told them it was me. They just looked at me. Im sure askin themselves how could he laugh. But i do what i do. Its who i am. I mean they didnt care, im sure. But im also sure it made them think i was a little sadistic. And i am. Not just a little. I would say im actually very sadistic. I mean yes i seem nice. I am usually nice. But there are times where i get the urge to fuck with someone for the simple fact of making myself feel better. So i do. And in the end they get hurt and for some reason i am happier. Thats a very big asshole thing to do. But ive done it before and im sure in time i will do it again. I mean i can make anyone think anything i want. I dont know why, but it seems i can. I could probably convince someone that im a prince if i felt up to it. Im not saying i lie about anything of importance. No i am very truthfull about anything that has to deal with anyone else or any serious subject. You know, lets say i meet someone new and they wanna know about myself. I could simply just tell them that i was a football captin in high school and that i was on the honor society and stuff like that. Make myself look great. When none of its true. I mean yes, i was in football. For a week. I didnt enjoy it, didnt enjoy the coaches. I prefer playing pickup games. And honor society. Lets be real. I was good in school. But i never cared about anything academic in school. Shit i mean im a high school drop out. Thats right im a high school drop out who got 1440 on the sats. Figure that one out. When i was young i wanted to be a laywer. Why is that you say. Because i can tell anyone exactly what they want to hear and make it believable. When i was younger my parents would have me talk to their friends and i could convince them of about anything. My parents knew was feeding them a line of crap. It comes easy to me. Last year when in town people would say paul how are you doing in school. And i knew i was just barely making it. Failing a couple classes a semester. I said oh me? Im doing fine got about a 3.0 average. They were like oh good, we are happy to hear you are doing something with your life. Thats right ladies and gentleman, in my town most people figured i was a failure after i dropped out of high school. Everyone was like he wont do anything with his life. So when i went to oswego everyone wanted to see big things. Im not just talking about family. Im talking about people i barely even fucking know. Its just such a small town that people talk about things like that. And since my father was who he was in the town of course his son dropping out of high school gets talked about. Fucking little towns.

However when it comes to little towns i dont really mind them anymore. Like tupper lake. Is it wrong to not be able to wait to get back there now. I mean its boring as hell yes. This summer i know ill be bored on my days off. I mean i cant wait to get back to work. Work is fun for me. I have more fun at work then i do when im here. Which is weird since at work i get to put up with stupid campers who think they are gods since they are city folk. Well, the only thing i enjoy about that is being able to be a pain in the ass every now and then to those campers. But the people i work with are great. I love them all. They are great people. Friendly and easy going. I cant wait to hang out with them again. I mean last year i was able to threaten one of them and tell them i was going to kill them since the two of us had to pick up rusted barrels. I said " If i have to pick up one more barrel the person near me is getting killed" Its fun. Since i can say things like that and they understand im just being me and having fun. I love enjoying life and thats what i do at work. Ive never actually hated working. When i worked at Pine Grove it was great. I loved working for tiger and the people were very nice. And i dont mind work. Working has never been an issue. And aparently people know since when i showed up first day, first year at Fish Creek. Dale, my boss, tells me he has heard alot about me and that i never mind work and that im good with computers. I was like i dont know who told ya this stuff but i dont think i know as much about computers as people think. He just laughed, and said what about work. I said oh that parts true i do what im told. Last year me and kyle got to walk around the whole park. Thats right 365 sites, about 4 miles around. On foot in the rain checking the picknic tables to make sure they were alright. I didnt really like it since i was going straight from work to platsburg for an eye appointment. So i went to platsburg all wet. But i did it since it had to be done. And i cant wait for this year. If all goes as plan i should be a ranger this year. Man i hope so. Anyways. ive been going on a rant yet again for awhile. And i apologize. But when i write i write alot. Whether its in this, or in emails to people. I just write until i decide to stop. So those of you who really know me should know that when i write things expect them to be long. Anyways im going to leave you with the lyrics to the song Lonely World by Limp Bizkit.

Wanna reminisce
Ignorance was bliss
Back in the days where the magic exists
Never be the same as it was ‘cause the way it was
Just another day in the maze of a myth
Had a lot of fun living life on the run
Never had a chance to pause to get a better glance
Everything was free and everything was fast
Never even thought it wouldn’t last
When you got the mind of a man in the middle
Life is just a big fat riddle
So figure it out
Always thinking that you know
Every little thing there is to know
But you don’t really know (you know)
It’s like love
Some people get it
For some it’s just a glove that just never fitted
For me it’s just a pain in the ass
But I’m addicted to the taste
Of hoping it could last

Another day
Another night
Inside a lonely world
Another game
Another fight
Inside a lonely world
Another wrong
Another right
Inside a lonely world
Such a lonely world
Such a lonely world

Who's the man (the man in the middle)
Who's the man (the man in the middle)
Who's the man (the man in the middle)
Who's the man (the man in the middle)

Maybe I’m a target for people that are bitter
At least I can say that I never been a quitter
I remember high school; man I hated high school
It was like prison
With bullies always putting me down
Just a little skater boy they could pick on
I learned to forgive them; now I got the balls they can lick on
I loved sneaking out when my momma’s asleep
With my gothic girlfriend, making love in the creek
With the mind of a man in the middle
It could be the end of the world as we know it
Still I never want it all and I never want it now
I just wanna cruise if I loose then I figure it out
How the time flies, even with the blink of an eye
When your young you absorb like a sponge in the skies
Then you get a little older and gather your thoughts
It’s amazing what you learn when you never been taught, y’know

Another day
Another night
Inside a lonely world
Another game
Another fight
Inside a lonely world
Another wrong
Another right
Inside a lonely world
Such a lonely world
Such a lonely world

No matter how hard I can try inside a lonely world
Noone can hear me when I cry inside a lonely world
I’ll never know the reasons why inside a lonely world
Such a lonely world (such a lonely world)

No matter how hard I can try inside a lonely world
Noone can hear me when I cry inside a lonely world
I’ll never know the reasons why inside a lonely world
Such a lonely world (such a lonely world)

Another day
Another night
Inside a lonely world
Another game
Another fight
Inside a lonely world
Another wrong
Another right
Inside a lonely world
Such a lonely world
Such a lonely world

Who’s the man (in such a lonely world)
Who’s the man (in such a lonely world)
Who’s the man (in such a lonely world)
Who’s the man (in such a lonely world)
(In such a lonely world)
(In such a lonely world)
(In such a lonely world)
(Such a lonely world)
(Such a lonely world)

Its a good song, i mean sure the part about high school isnt about me, but i would go with the rest of it. I mean yea i snuck when my parents were asleep to be with my girlfriend when i was teen. Who didnt. And everything else i think goes with me as well. Just not the highschool part, since we already know i dropped out. Anyways. Thats enough for now. Maybe ill write more before going to bed. But probably just write tommorow when i wake up. This then enjoy everybody. Ive got some digital killin to be had.......

Moods, Scary Post... Please dont jude me.

2004-03-28T04:56:00.000-05:00

Latley my moods change quiet frequently. One second i can be as happy as ever and the next i hate everything. I dont know what the hell is going on. I almost feel like im worse the a girl. Yea yea, i know ill hear the thats so mean to typcast us females like that paul. But lets face it. Girls are just more moody then guys are. Its not that we dont have mood changes. Its just that most of the time guys have been able to hide it better. And im not saying it to be mean just stating the way i see things. But yes, latley ive been thinkin i must be turning into a female to have so many fucking mood swings in such a short period of time. Its kind of sad. I mean take today for instance. Ryan and Bryan came over around 530 so we could watch wrestlemania since i had it saved on my cable box. We ordered pizza and watched wrasslin. Had alot of fun. Made alot of jokes. Lots of comments. Just a guys night. And it was great. I enjoyed it alot. Then around 1030 it ended and i went to go buy some things to kill the ants that decided to start walking around my apartment. So im in the car, happy. I get to the store, and im not happy anymore. I was in a blah attitude. It happend that fast. a 3 min car ride and i was changed. I go for a little ride after the store hoping that i can get myself back to the happy. But sadly i couldnt. I just get worse and worse. So i came home and decided to play some more Pandora Tommorow. Good game, Great Graphics. So i play that for a while, hiding in the shadows, killing the gaurds. Made me feel good, to be killing things. The question is. I know i always say that killing things in a game to make you happy is great. But is that true? or is actually a problem. The fact that someone can get such joy from killing something else, is that wrong? Granted they are not real. But it still give a joy with killing.

I know i wont go AWOL and start killing people. I have far more restraint than that. But still whats to say that if something happend someday that i wouldnt just go kill the person responsible? Lets say someone decided to hurt one of my friends. Either decides to beat them to a bloody pulp, or in the females case attack and rape them. I find out, i find the person and see him in the flesh. There is a great chance i would just snap and attack them. And you can bet your ass i wouldnt fight fair. I would try to rip the fuckers windpipe out. Its kind of sad. I actually wish i could have a reason to hurt someone. Just walk up and nail them in the face. Then kneel ontop of the guy and just keep hitting him. Over and over and over. Until he doesnt remember to breathe anymore. Kind of descriptive yes. But i just envision this. Alot latley. I just dont know where all the agression is comming from. Now i dont want the people i hang out with to worry about anything. Everyone should know i would never hurt any of them. I hate to see my friends hurt. Physically or Emotionally. I mean later this semester Bryan has his black belt test. Im going to be there and watch and support him. Thats what friends do. But its gonna be hard to see him get the shit kicked out of him in the sparing. He has told me the object of the black belt test isnt to win. Its to survive. I told him before. While watching the first guy that really hurts him, im gonna wanna just walk up to the guy and nail him in the face with a bat. And i mean it. Seeing one of my friends take a beating is not something i enjoy. But this is bryans desire. And i understand they arent out there to kill him, just rough him up alot. But he is a great friend and i dont wanna see him get hurt. But i must. I know there is something that is bothering ryan too. Not quiet sure what and thats fine. Because i know that he understands if he needs to talk, i am always here for him. Thats one example of physical abuse and one of emotional. Each of them different, but yet the same. I know this may seem like a rant. And it is. But latley i have just had so much on my mind its driving me crazy. Thats the reason i started this little journal. So back to the mood swings. See i mean i just go off on anything at any point. No real reason to any of it. Just go with what my head is telling me.

Another question for everyone. So the last couple of nights i have almost been crying myself to sleep. Not physically crying, i never felt the tears well up in my eyes. But emotionally. My mind just runs and runs and it keeps making me feel less and less important, and less and less loved. I dont know why. Its just the way things have been latley. And i have been staying up late at night the last couple of days afraid of trying to go to sleep. Im afraid that the second i turn the tv off and its just me and silence that my mind is gonna start laughing. Because it knows i am its bitch. It owns me. It controlls me. Every day it thinks it would be fun to feel two ways about everything. Im not talking like pepsi or coke two ways. Im talking about staying in bed all day and giving up or getting out of bed and actually putting up with the hell we call life. When i go for a ride. Do i follow the speed limit, or do i put the pedal to the metal and play footsie with fate by going as fast as i can and possibly getting in an accident. Things i know people dont want to hear. But its the way ive been. And those who have known me since my early teens know i have been this way before. I fought long and hard to get away from that mentality. It took a long time. I was finally able to stop thinking horrible things and i was able to enjoy life. Why is it that now i must start reverting back? Why must anything good in my life seem so far away. Everything i have wanted out of life seems to keep running farther and farther away from me everyday. Maybe its the chains i have put on myself over the years. Maybe its just that i have been lazy for so long that i just cant get myself back to the way i was when i was really young. Energetic. I mean honestly i wasnt always a big guy. I was actaully a very skinny kid til i hit about 10. Thats when i got lazy. I just stopped carring about things. Its also about the same time i lost the first of my two grandmothers. I dont know why. But i have a feeling that death has touched my life far more then i can imagine. I just shut it out. Its what i do with everything in my life. If i cant explain something or have a reason for it i just shut it out and pretend it isnt there.

Almost daily i envision myself dead. Laying there in a coffin. All my friends there. People i dont even know are there to say goodbye. And i all of a sudden feel good about myself. Its weird that envisioning your own death is what makes you happy during the day. I think its the fact that i see how many peoples lives i have touched and that i might have actually done something in my life so far. Maybe i havent done anything massivly major. No i have cured cancer, and no i havent figured out how to get those fuckin bastards to release more gas so the price can go back to 1.30. Oh i remember those days, great great days they were. Instead, i do little things for people. Try and brighten a day when its filled with rain. Be the voice of reason when someone is being irrational. Things like that.

There are other times where i envision myself dying, but i die by saving people i care about. Either pushing them out of the way of something or fighting someone for them. Anything. I dont know why i see these things in my head. Its just strange. Im sure that by now everyone can tell what kind of mood i am in. And anyone still reading i thank you. For taking the time out read this rant of mine. This rant could go unread and it wouldnt make a difference actually. I mean people will read this im sure and they will start to think of my god paul has problems. I know i have problems. Lots of problems. I just used to be better at hiding them from people. I mean last year. I always seemed happy. Like i have told everyone before last year was great because i didnt care about anything, didnt worry about anything. I always had problems. And i did care. I just was a far better actor last year. For some reason this year i cant hold it together. I can do ok for a couple days at a time i cant string a long amount of good acting together anymore. I think ive just gotten tired. Tired of lying. Lying to myself, that i am fine. Telling myself everything is great. When the fact remains that nothing is good. Nothing is great. I mean yes i have great friends here. And i love that. But in my own personal life nothing is great. I look at myself in the mirror and judge myself. I hate what i see. Everyday. I mean i know i look like a nerd. And im very overweight. I know that the way i look is not what people would call attractive. And i tell everyone else that complains about that to me that, they shouldnt care what others think. They should only care what they think. They should be happy with themselves. Thats the only person you have to please.

And i cant take my own fucking advise. I know what most people like. They want the tall handsome guys with a washboard stomach and is charming and caring. I dont care that im not that guy. I mean i know i have the charming and caring part down. Im not an idiot i know what my strengths are. And the looks thing only bothers me because i know how i could have been if i wasnt lazy. I would actually be a well defind guy if i had stayed the way i was when i was young. When i was little i liked to run. Thats right. Me Running. I liked to do lots of things that were very active. Then i got bigger, and bigger and stopped liking the activies that would make me tired quicker and quicker. The only thing i still enjoy is basketball. But everytime i play that i tend to hurt myself. Either twist my ankle, or what i did that one time. Tear all the ligaments in my ankle at the begining of the summer so i could be on crutches for the whole fucking thing. I was happy that my friends would pick me up and drop me home so i could still do things. But its just that i let myself go. I know im a big guy. Im like 5'9 and about 300lbs. Yea thats fucking big. Ive been called a teddy bear on more then one occasion. And most people would say thats a complement. I mean sure it should be seen that way. But the more i think about it. It says that im a very big person who is hairy. I mean Im sure im comfortable to lay their head on i got plenty of padding. Im probably like a big pillow.

Then i think about my medical life. My heart is gonna give way. I know it. I feel it everyday. Little sharp pains that come and go. They have become so normal that i dont really pay attention to them anymore. I mean early this semester i played king of the hill with a bunch of the people at cayuga. It was Jefe, Hoss and myself. Vs Stuie, Jess and a couple others. Sorry cant really remember thier names right now. Well we played really hard for like 15 mins, and i dominated the top of the mountain for about 5 mins of that by myself. I just sat there and kept pushing people away. It was hard god damn work but when im in the activity i dont worry and im having fun. It was the most fun i had had in awhile. I love a good challenge. Always have. But jefe got hurt and everyone else got cold and tired so we left. Jefe, hoss and myself left first. On the way back to the dorms i got a very sharp pain in my chest. Hurt so bad i didnt want to breath. Hurt so bad i almost couldnt breath. Yes, it was a gerenal idea between the 3 of us that i was having a mild heartattck. Great thing it is, let me tell you. I felt weak, felt ready to just drop to the ground, but i did what i do best and thats fight against things. So i just fought the pain. And the jefe and hoss prayed for my heart and the pain sort of subsided. But i know that my heart is ready to go. I know i can do stuff to stop it, to stop the pain and make it better. But why? Yes life is good, and yes i enjoy everything. But i mean if i have accepted the fact. Yes i will die early. Yes i know that. And i am fine with it. I mean fun is basically over after college anyways right? So i just keep doing what i am used to doing. Keep putting more and more pain and pressure on the old ticker. Not testing my limits, just enjoying myself. I mean people tell me i should quit my smoking. My mom, my dad, jess, jefe, i mean i know the others dont like me doing it but they also know its my life. And i understand that ciggerets can kill you. Over a long period of time. Thing is i dont think ill be here long enough for them to take effect. I have thought of quitting. But its not for myself. Its for them. The ones asking me to stop. The other day jess was in the car and said "Paul when are you gonna quit" I didnt know what to say. So i said nothing. But it did get to me. Got me thinking. Saying paul when are you gonna quit. You were gonna stop before last summer but you didnt. Then you were gonna stop before the school year, and didnt. Then you figured maybe stop over break, that was impossible. Its not like i actaully tried to stop. I just told myself i was going to and then didnt. I know i have been writing for awhile. Actually i have been writing for an hour. Its really sad. But i just have so much on my mind. Final thoughts for tonight, ill finish it all up tommorow when i wake up. Final thoughts are that life is rough. Some of us are set to handle the ups and downs. Others such as myself are not. We are the weak. On a side note i did go with one of my choices. And sent that email out. Got a response. Got the feeling i should have just kept my mouth shut. But me being me, that didnt work out. So i will take what is going to happen and move on. The way i have too. The way i must.... Goodnight everyone, and Goodbye.

Changes

2004-03-28T00:50:00.000-05:00

I'm not suposed to be scared of anything, but I don't know where I am
I wish that I could move but I'm exhausted and nobody understands (how I feel)
I'm trying hard to breathe now but there's no air in my lungs
There's no one here to talk to and the pain inside is making me numb

I try to hold this Under control
They can't help me 'Cause no one knows

Now I'm going through changes, changes
God, I feel so feel so frustrated lately
When I get suffocated, save me
Now I'm going through changes, changes

I'm feeling weak and weary walking through this world alone
Everything you say, every word of it, cuts me to the bone
I've got something to say, but now I've got no where to turn
It feel like I've been buried underneath the weight of the world

I try to hold this Under control
They can't help me 'Cause no one knows

Now I'm going through changes, changes
God, I feel so feel so frustrated lately
When I get suffocated, save me
Now I'm going through changes, changes

I'm running, shaking
Bound and breaking
I hope I make it through all these changes

Now I'm going through changes, changes
God, I feel so frustrated lately
When I get suffocated, save me
Now I'm falling apart, now I feel it

Now I'm going through changes, changes
God, I feel so feel so frustrated lately
When I get suffocated, I hate this
But I'm going through changes, changes

More later tonight :-(

Comments

2004-03-27T15:22:00.000-05:00

Just a quick note that i have added a comments section to my blog. So if you wish to leave comments about any specific post feel free. The only thing i ask is that you leave a name with it. Even if its a nickname that id know and no one else if you are afraid for some reason. All i ask is that i dont get any comments where its like "Your a psycho" with no name. I mean i wont care, ill just be pissed that my blog is being read by some stupid fucking idiot instead of the intellectuals that i figure would read it which are my friends. I will leave a real post tonight.

Zombies and Choices Part 2.

2004-03-27T03:16:00.000-05:00

First off ill talk about the zombies. Thats right we went and saw Dawn of the Dead tonight. It was a decent movie. Not sure if i liked it more then the original or not. They were both very different actually. This one had some good moments in it. Couple points that just had some freaky stuff going on. Plus some of the music put into the film was really good. Opening the movie to Johnny Cash, then putting Down with the Sickness as done by Richard Cheese into the movie was highly welcomed. Now Ryan, Bryan, Lyndsay and myself talked about how latley in zombie movies they seem to be olympian sprinters. Now origanaly didnt zombies just shuffle around and humans could easily run past them. Granted its far more scary when the hunter is faster then its prey, this is true. But then again why go away from the standards that was set by the god of zombies George Romero? The man basically invented the zombie films. When he made the Night of the Living Dead triology in the mid 60's. Night of the Living Dead, Dawn of the Dead and Day of the Dead were his true trilogy. The return of the living dead movies i pretend dont really exist. The other thing i dont understand is why start with the middle part of a trilogy. Granted the stuck in a mall idea is nice and yes it was my favorite of the three movies, but if you are gonna do a part of a trilogy start with the first one. Now some people might say but paul Night of the living dead was remade in the early ninties. Well that movie doesnt count. Sounds weird i know but it really wasnt a big release, or even a decent remake. No actors that anyone had heard of, which is usually the way these movies are. But its just a better film when there are decent actors in the roles. I mean come on Ving Rhames was in this film. The first time you see him in it how can you not say "Marcellus Wallace"? The man just gives off that dont fuck with me, i dont fuck with you attitude, which is great. Overall the movie was good. Not great, but good. Decent. If you dont want to pay the 8.50 to see it at a theater wait til it comes to tape then. But watch it.

Alright now ill go back to what i was talking about yesterday before i had to go pick up my friend. Choices. They are a bitch arent they? I mean sometimes choices seem like a sure thing. Man i have to do this its gotta work. Then you head down that path and BAM! a bunch of things you could never imagine in your life jump out of nowhere and beat the shit out of you. They kick your ass so bad that you wish you had never made that choice in the first place. You curl into a little ball while the problems keep beating you over the head and crying to yourself saying "What the hell was i thinking?". Atleast when you start to go into your state of unconciousness due to it that maybe finally you can be at peace. Sad yes, but truth none the less. Latley ive had some choices to make and i am not sure if they have been the right ones or not. Granted i will eventually look back and say either. Paul you did the right thing, or Paul what the fuck you are quiet possibly the dumbest person on the face of the planet. Man am i ever rooting for that first one. Im tired of making the wrong choices. Im tired of having the choices come back and beat me into a submission that makes me a pain in the ass to my friends. In all honesty, im just tired. Tired of everything. Tired of working, tired of choosing, tired of life basically. Now dont go thinking im saying this in the bad way. No im not thinking anything like that. Im just tired and wish that i could get a little off time from the hassels of life. Like just go into a comma for like a couple months. That would be fine for me. Id be happy as hell. That way i could just be in my own head and not worry about the problems that come with the choices ive made.

The only problem is that my own mind hasnt been on my side latley. Had a nightmare the other night. Wasnt good. For some reason i was in an abondand asylum like place with a bunch of my friends. The ones from here and the ones from tupper. The thing is we split off into groups of like 3. And lots of us died. The group of three i was in all of us died. Atleast i think we all did. I dont really know what happend to Z. He just sort of disappeard and i never really saw him die. But i know that me and kookie both died. Bryan died as well. The only group that hadnt lost anyone by the time i woke up was the group of Goose, Steph and Lyndsay. They were all still alive. Probably because of their most people suck attitude. which i love. lol. Anyways. Bryan died protecting Lyndsay. The asylum made us all see things that werent there. invision like Event Horizon where it messed with your head and has you see things that arent there. Thats what kind of happend. Bryan saw someone hurting lyndsay ran over and tried to punch the guy, but his momentum carried him right over the edge that was there and he fell onto a bunch metal bars impalling him. Lyndsay comes across him later in the dream. Its just a disturbing dream, i mean the fact that i had it a couple days ago and its still with me scares me actaully. I mean the group of Z, Kookie and myself headed into a wing of the asylum looking for something. Not entirely sure what. But we lost Z and Kookie gets hurt and has trouble walking at one point. Then i hear someone. Saying Help me, Please paul help me. So i tell Kookie i will be back and that for him to just stay here i leave him in like a medical ward. I give him a couple scalples to defend himself if someone or something was to attack him and that i would return when i figure out who needs help. So i start following the voice. I go down the stairs to the basement area and i come to a hallway. This hallway is really dark except for the light near the end with the person screaming for help right there by the light. I know who i saw, but i will not say because for all i know that person will take offense to my dream. So I run down to help this person because i would help any of my friends and put my life on the line. Well i get down there and the person looks at me and says thanks paul. Thanks for helping me kill you. And i look over and this person opens the door and out come two demon type creatures. I take off and run like you couldnt think a fat man could run. Oh i was an olympian all of a sudden. Running back up the stairs with them hot on my tail running along the walls and ceiling. It was weird and so fucking graphic. I run back to Kookie, but when i get there i just see a pool of blood before i get there so i know he is done. When i run by i look over and he is all those scalples put into each vital organ. It got to the point of where i just kept running. Running and running away but i couldnt run fast enough. I mean i got to the point where i looked back and was like thank god i lost them. Then i turn back around and i was nose to nose with one of them. I see their hand go up, come down in a giant swing, and then i wake up. I didnt want to go back to sleep. And we should all know how me and sleep get along. So me not wanting to sleep is just not normal.

Dont know why i told ya about the dream. But it was just strange and been bugging me. I know i got away from my main point about choices. But when I write i just write from the heart. I know i have some choices ahead of me soon. Not choices that i have to make because other people want me too. But choices i have to make because i am making myself choose about a couple things. And yes im conflicted on each issue. And i am almost positive that whichever way i choose to go with these things its going to be the wrong way. Because i just seem to have a knack for fucking up anything i can. I dont know anymore. My mind is a mess. Its getting to late for me to think about it all. Too many problems... too many issues. I think ive decided about one thing ive been thinkin about. I figure ill send that friend an email and let them know what ive been thinkin. Heres to hopin i finally picked the right way. And that i dont get beat senseless from it once again.... Anyways, ill finish my thoughts tommorow when i wake up. Its bed time.

Choices

2004-03-25T16:42:00.000-05:00

Everyone makes choices. Hell we make atleast 15 choices a day. You may not realize it at the time but every single one of those choices you make not only effects you but it also has repricusions for those around you. At points im sure most of you have looked back at choices you have made and asked yourself. What the fuck was i thinking when i did that. Well latley ive been reflecting on what choices i have made. Some of them are easily for the better. Like choosing to go to oswego last year, instead of the other colleges that accepted me like Syracuse. If i hadnt chosen to go to oswego i would never have met the friends i have now. And honestly i dont know what i would do here without them. They all help keep me sane. I mean sure a couple of them i dont see anymore. Jared, because he moved to North Carolina, and Dave since he is over in Iraq right now. Prayin for ya buddy. But everyone is still very important to me and i really dont know what type of psychy i would be in if they were not around. There are other choices i have made, but i wont get into them because im sure that some people would take offense to some of them. Just know there are choices ive made that have had nothing but greatness come out of it. While there were other choices ive made over my life that equaled nothing but complete shit. Most people make choices that even if they know it will hurt other people do because it helps themselves. And its not being greedy. Its being realistic. Its all about survival of the fittest isnt it? Well, i truely wish i had that type of mentallity sometimes. Wish that i could look out for myself before i look out for others. But i cant. Its not the way i was raised. I mean sure i was raised to make sure that im ok but i was also raised to care about everyone else. And i have taken that part and ran with it. I care about everyone elses well being even before my own. And yes it has gotten me into a lot of problems. But then again it has also made me feel great about myself when it seems like i might have changed someones life for the better. Thats my goal. For every person i meet and become friends with, i just want to make their life better in some way. Any way. If they are down and i can cheer them up, you better bet your ass im gonna do it. Anything to make ease everyone elses suffering is what i am trying to do. Yes i suffer myself on occasion but i just accept that. I usually try to bottle it in and just push it to the bottom. My friends try to help but i just usally tell them im fine. Nothings wrong, im alright. And i mean who are they to say im lying? Only i know how i truely feel at all times. So i can tell them anything and they just have to go along with it really. So i say im good, and we move on. All the while inside my head is running. As it tends to do. My head focuses on subjects that it really shouldnt, and most of the time those thoughts lead to negative feelings. Usually its a state of depression. But to be honest ive grown used to feeling depressed. Sometimes i dont feel normal unless i am depressed. Its weird to hear that i know, however when you grow accustomed to feeling a certain way thats what you start to think of as normal. Then those feelings disappear, and you should be happy. But your not. Your actually lost, wondering what to do and how to feel since for once you dont actually feel depressed. I hope this rant doesnt scare anyone. Just some shit thats been on my mind latley so i decided to put it down. Alright i have more to say but i will continue this discussion later since i have to go pick someone up. I know they have been having a hard time latley, and i wanna be there for them. So i will talk to you all later.

Thanks Everyone

2004-03-22T15:37:00.000-05:00

First off i would like to say thank you to my friends who have been helping me through this ruff time ive been having latley. Lyndsay, Bryan, Ryan, Jefe, Hoss, Jeni, and Steph. I know ive been a pain in the ass latley and i appologize. It really means alot to me that you guys have been trying to help me out. Hopefully i will soon become the person you guys knew before. Not a fuckin mental case but someone who has fun no matter where he is as long as he is around his friends. Someone who knows how to enjoy life and not worry about anything anymore. I miss my carefree atitude. The one i had last year in college. I didnt care about anything at all. I just went through the year with the attitude that nothing was wrong and nothing bad could happen. Even when me and dave flipped in that canoe and i lost my wallet with everything including 70 dollars in it. I was unhappy sure, but i didnt let it get me down that bad. Now adays the slightest thing gets me down. Its kind of sad really. My mental state has taken such a blow that just talking about subjects gets to me. I am working my hardest to get back to the person you guys knew before. The one that never caused problems for people. This i promise you all. I wont let you down.

Very First Post

2004-03-22T01:08:00.000-05:00

Hi everyone. Thats right i decided to join the bandwagon of everyone else and try this blogging thing out. Figure it could be fun. Or it could be dangerous and painfull. We shall all soon find out now wont we? Im going to give warning here at the begining. Expect me to put alot of song quotes and pieces into my posts. Most of them will basically give you an idea of how my mind is functioning at that time. If at any time one of my posts makes your curious about something. Ask me, ill be more then happy to clear up whatever issues you may have with it. Well since im just starting tonight im just gonna post something about Common Sense. Something that i think has been leaving this fucking country for a very long time. Need any proof, walk on a college campus.

Today we mourn the passing of a beloved old friend by the name of Common Sense

Who has been with us for many years. No one knows for sure how old he was since his birth records were long ago lost in bureaucratic red tape.
He will be remembered as having cultivated such value lessons as knowing when to come in out of the rain, why the early bird gets the worm and that life isn't always fair.
Common Sense lived by simple, sound financial policies (don't spend more than you earn) and reliable parenting strategies (adults, not kids, are in charge).
His health began to rapidly deteriorate when well intentioned but overbearing regulations were set in place.
Reports of a six-year-old boy charged with sexual harassment for kissing a classmate; teens suspended from school for using mouthwash after lunch; and a teacher fired for reprimanding an unruly student, only worsened his condition.
It declined even further when schools were required to get parental consent to administer aspirin to a student; but, could not inform the parents when a student became pregnant and wanted to have an abortion.
Finally, Common Sense lost the will to live as the Ten Commandments became contraband; churches became businesses; and criminals received better treatment than their victims.
Common Sense finally gave up the ghost after a woman failed to realize that a steaming cup of coffee was hot, she spilled a bit in her lap, and was awarded a huge settlement.
Common Sense was preceded in death by his parents, Truth and Trust, his wife, Discretion; his daughter, Responsibility; and his son, Reason. He is survived by two stepbrothers; My Rights and Ima Whiner.

Not many attended his funeral because so few realized he was gone.

Hope you all enjoyed the reading. Thats all im gonna say for tonight. Expect a long post tommorow. More then likely when i wake up tommorow afternoon.
Figured i should just ease everyone into my posting. Dont wanna scare everyone away on the first one do i? Eh maybe i do. Nah ill pass.