Just one of those Days

Today was a weird day. Not really what I would call a good day either. Just weird. I mean to start it off I had one hour of sleep before my math test this morning. I went to bed at like 3. Had to watch cowboy bebop, family guy then futurama. But then I couldn't fall asleep. My mind was racing about things for the night. I mean I was looking at the clock it said 510. I was like Jesus, then I remember waking up and looking at the clock it said 615. I figured no point in going back to bed since I had to be up in 30 mins anyway so I lean over grab the remote and turn the TV on. Decided I would just watch some of Yankees vs Devil rays game on the YES network. Now I like the Yankees but I love sleep. But I got up and got ready for class. Studied for all of 5 mins then got dressed and headed to class. Go there, made sure to buy myself a soda and down about half of it. Took my test, think I did alright. Couple parts I couldn't remember, ill blame that on being dead tired. I had trouble keeping my eyes open during the test. So I finished it and drove back here. In about 10 mins I was out like a light in bed again. Set the alarm for 2pm so I could get my stuff done for my presentation for my night class. So I got up at 2 and did the work. It wasn't that hard just a lot of highlighting. And I have Ryan to thank for the help with the presentation. I had to give a 5 min presentation on how The U.S could have stopped World War 2 before it even began. But wait it gets better. I have to say how they could have stopped it psychologically before it began. Yea good fucking luck. So Ryan told me all about the versciie treaty, or however you spell. He told me all about it and I knew I would do fine. So I get there tonight and the teacher figured he would have a normal class for once. So the first 2 hours of class were normal, he taught and then for the last 40 mins of class he wanted us to give a couple presentations. So he asked who had world war 2 since that's what he taught. So my two group mates, Nick and Rick raise their hands and I raise mine. He said ok Nick why don't you go tonight, then he saw me with my hand raised. He got a smile on his face and said you know what why don't you go tonight Paul. So I said sure, figuring I was fine with the help of Ryan. I just get the feeling the teacher hates me. Don't know why just get that feeling. So I give my presentation. He tore through me like I was nothing. He ripped me a new one. I told him the points that I had discussed with Ryan before and he basically told me that wasn't enough and he wants more. I mean Jesus Christ man what do you expect. Its stopping world war 2 psychologically. So I mean I made points and he just shot them down. Then at the end he looks at me and says Paul can you have more for next time. I said yes sir. Thinking in my head, you little fucker. If I knew where you lived...... In the words of Caddyshack 2. Can you scream "Lord help me there's a man in my living room with a fucking flamethrower". Harsh yes, but the man deserves it. He cant teach worth a damn. The only thing I do is look like I'm paying attention then go to my own little world inside my head, and we all know that's not a good place to be going lately. So that was not a good day.

The only plus side of today really. Was going for a ride with Lyndsay. We talked for almost 2 hours. And I enjoyed it. I think its what I needed, talk to someone that understands me. Get a couple things off my chest. Atleast for that time we were talking I wasn't mad, or sad or angry or anything like that. I was content. I haven't been content in awhile actually. Usually just anxious about something. And never really sure what.

Anyways, the only thing I forgot to mention about my day was the fact that my older brother out of the blue emailed me and said him and his fiance wanted to drive up and see me and have dinner. So I'm happy I mean I love my brother and his fiance is really nice too. I'm just curious as to why all of a sudden he wants to get together for dinner. I have a strong feeling he has been talking with my parents. Since they know the problems I've been having around here I'm sure they told him about them. And he is gonna check make sure I'm alright and try and talk me through it. Man having a big brother that cares about ya is great. I mean me and him never fought. Well rarely fought I should say when we were younger. I mean sure he did trick me into drinking that full glass of apple vinegar when I was younger, tellin me it was ginger ale so I just pounded it. But I got him back. I put the glass down and punched him in the nuts. Fair deal id say. Well him and his friends didn't think so. Chased me outside the house and grabbed me, threw me in the 9 foot deep end of our pool fully clothed and with wallet and watch on. I didn't care it was a hot day anyways. LOL. But him taking an interest in me know kind of worries me. Mean he has either heard about the issues I'm having and is scared. Not good since he's a doctor. Last thing I need is to be analyzed. The other reason could be that he figures with his life moving on with him getting married, he wants to get closer to the family because he understand that later in life family is all we have. And yes I will be there for anythin he needs. And yes I do understand that with him and his fiance both going to be surgeons that they will be into the money should we say. Just hope he remembers me then :). Anyways. In short what I'm trying to say is I'm nervous about seeing my brother and his fiance tomorrow but happy as hell cause I miss him. He has always been a voice of reason for me. Except for those two years where this bitch made him insane. But that's a different story all together. LOL.

Fuckin psycho bitches. My dad still warns me about them everytime he sees me. Always saying Paul be careful. Don't let anyone mess with your head. Remember what happened to Dan with Kate. Oh lord how could I forget. So I tell him I know dad trust me no girl will take advantage of this guy. And I know for a fact that I would be easy pickings for any girl looking to take advantage of a guy. But I just lie to myself and say nah, your stronger then that. Your mentality is able to withstand the female ability to corrupt the male. But then I look back at my life and laugh. I have too. I don't think there has been one time where my mentality was strong enough to withstand the female. One corruption after another I guess. Ah well, I can say most of the time it was worth it. But there are those other times where I say to myself man why the hell did I let her take advantage of me like that, and just couldn't find a reason that would make it ok.

But that is life isn't it. Everyone is different. And everyone changes over time. Some for the better, others for the worse. We drift apart. Usually for reasons that can be easily fixed. But we just don't try. We figure that if the friendship was worth anything it would be fine anyways. But what we as a individuals fail to grasp is anything worth having, you have to fight to keep. You cant expect things to fall into place all the time. Friendships falter, friendships completely disappear. But its up to us to put the pieces back together again. I've had my fair share of fights with friends. Only once have I not be able to rebuild the friendship. And honestly, I just don't care about that one person if I did I would have tried along time ago. This last year I have started hanging out with friends I hadn't seen or talked to in a long time. I mean I didn't see eye to eye with Z or Poulin at one point and we went our separate ways. But then we started hanging out again I saw poulin a couple times over the summer last year. And saw z a couple times too. Then this last Christmas break. I hung out with them a lot. Hell poulin drove me and jess around on new years eve since he wasn't going to drink. Thanks by the way buddy I did appreciate that. And then the 3 of us and steph would go to the bar a couple times a week and play darts and drink we just had fun. Like we used too. I'm happy those guys have come back into my life. They make it fun. Poulin loves his adventures that's all I'm gonna say.

Anyways I don't know why I said all this. I think its the fact that I feel a friendship dwindling away. I'll bet the person i am talking about knows it. And no matter how hard I want to keep it, I'm just not sure its going to be possible. Its a sad thing I know. But I'm just not sure if the friendship can ever be repaired. I mean I still talk with this person on occasion. Its just not the same anymore, and I doubt it ever will be :( . But as I said, that's life. And we must move on. Who knows maybe I am wrong and this friendship can go back to the way it was. But I'm 95% sure that its gonna fade away into nothing over time. Which is honestly a shame. But I guess I am just going to have to live with that. Sorry about the long rant at the end. Night all.

Got this Email today and felt like posting it. I enjoyed it, found it funny.

The Guys' Rules

At last a guy has taken the time to write this all down. Finally, the guys' side of the story. (I must admit, it's pretty good.)

We always hear "the rules" from the female side. Now here are the rules from the male side. These are our rules!

Please note... these are all numbered "1" ON PURPOSE!

1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.

1. Sunday sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.

1. Shopping is NOT a sport. And no, we are never going to think of it that way.

1. Crying is blackmail.

1. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints do not work! Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work! Just say it!

1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.

1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

1. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.

1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 days.

1. If you won't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect us to act like soap opera guys.

1. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us.

1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other way.

1. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done. Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.

1. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.

1. Christopher Columbus did not need directions and neither do we.

1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.

1. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.

1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," we will act like nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.

1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear.

1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine...Really.

1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as baseball, the shotgun formation, or monster trucks.

1. You have enough clothes.

1. You have too many shoes.

1. I am in shape. Round is a shape.

1. Thank you for reading this. Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight; but did you know men really don't mind that? It's like camping.

Pass this to as many men as you can - to give them a laugh.

Pass this to as many women as you can - to give them a bigger laugh!!!

Lonely World.

The title of this post is the song im listening to right now. Dont worry ill get to that. So i went for a ride tonight. Left here at 1030, just got back thats right its 1am. Some of you are probably asking yourselves "Paul where the fuck could you go for 2 and a half hours?" Well the answer is Watertown. I left here and just started heading out of town. I went into my own head. Thinking about many many things. And when i stopped thinking for a min i was in Watertown. I figured i should probably turn around or my luck i would have driven all the way back to tupper. So i turned around and headed back. The wind was kind of bad, threw the car in the other lane a couple times. Fucking wind. Anyways i gotta say i love I81. For the simple fact that to me at it doesnt have a speed limit exspecially on a sunday night at that time. So i decided that i might as well do what i do best. Speed like a mother fucker. The only part of the drive where i didnt really focus on anything and just enjoyed the ride was when i was goin 100. Is that wrong? I mean sure had a cop seen me i would have been fucked. But i really just dont care. They could pull me over. Ask what i was doing. Id say speeding. He would ask why. tonight i would have probably said why not? Not the best of answers but seriously, why the fuck not. I got a car right now that can move, and if i feel like going that fast and putting my life on the line why cant i? It was freeing that much i know. It was good. Saw a couple deer on the side of the road too. Reminded me of going home after work, when i used to get done at 12am. I would leave work and head home. The road was like the back a snake, very very curvy. I still got about 65, 70 on it. I just figure i know it so well why the fuck not. And i work for the state so i get pulled over wearing my state shirt chances of getting a ticket are very slim. Since i know most of the troopers in the area now anyways. But i always see deer standing on the side of the road. Just looking at me. Happy the never ran out in front of me. That could be bad. lol yea right. So i get home and the results are. Half a tank of gas and over half a pack of cigerrets are gone and still no change. Nothin. Same me. It really isnt a good thing. So my music of choice on this ride. I listened to my Nine Inch Nails mix i made before, and then i followed that up with some of the new Limp Bizkit cd. thats actaully the song im listening to now on repeat. Follow that with BNL's song "War on Drugs". And then i finished with the mix i made before with alot of sad songs if you listen to them. I mean they are good songs, just have some sadness to most of them. One song came on and i started to cry. Thats right yours truley crying like a little bitch yet again. What song was it you may ask. It was Blues Travlers "Just Wait". Such a good song on so many levels. I love it.

Well in other news today i was thinking about masks. Not like halloween masks; but the masks that each and everyone of us wear. Remember the part in The Mask with Jim Carrey where he talks to Ben Stein and he talks about how we all wear masks metaphorically speaking. Thats what im talking about. I have so many masks i need three closets. I have masks for every type of situation. Sometimes they are the wrong ones too. Lets take when i went and saw the passion of the christ. Great movie. Sad movie. But the part where Judas was getting the shit kicked out of him by the little kids. I started laughing out loud. Everyone else in the theater was like disturbed by it, and there i am laughing. I dont know why, but it was funny to me. Some man being afraid of 10 little kids. Even if they looked like demons to me i would still just slap the shit out of them. Atleast i would like to think i would. After the movie bryan and lyndsay said they heard someone laughing during that part. So i of course told them it was me. They just looked at me. Im sure askin themselves how could he laugh. But i do what i do. Its who i am. I mean they didnt care, im sure. But im also sure it made them think i was a little sadistic. And i am. Not just a little. I would say im actually very sadistic. I mean yes i seem nice. I am usually nice. But there are times where i get the urge to fuck with someone for the simple fact of making myself feel better. So i do. And in the end they get hurt and for some reason i am happier. Thats a very big asshole thing to do. But ive done it before and im sure in time i will do it again. I mean i can make anyone think anything i want. I dont know why, but it seems i can. I could probably convince someone that im a prince if i felt up to it. Im not saying i lie about anything of importance. No i am very truthfull about anything that has to deal with anyone else or any serious subject. You know, lets say i meet someone new and they wanna know about myself. I could simply just tell them that i was a football captin in high school and that i was on the honor society and stuff like that. Make myself look great. When none of its true. I mean yes, i was in football. For a week. I didnt enjoy it, didnt enjoy the coaches. I prefer playing pickup games. And honor society. Lets be real. I was good in school. But i never cared about anything academic in school. Shit i mean im a high school drop out. Thats right im a high school drop out who got 1440 on the sats. Figure that one out. When i was young i wanted to be a laywer. Why is that you say. Because i can tell anyone exactly what they want to hear and make it believable. When i was younger my parents would have me talk to their friends and i could convince them of about anything. My parents knew was feeding them a line of crap. It comes easy to me. Last year when in town people would say paul how are you doing in school. And i knew i was just barely making it. Failing a couple classes a semester. I said oh me? Im doing fine got about a 3.0 average. They were like oh good, we are happy to hear you are doing something with your life. Thats right ladies and gentleman, in my town most people figured i was a failure after i dropped out of high school. Everyone was like he wont do anything with his life. So when i went to oswego everyone wanted to see big things. Im not just talking about family. Im talking about people i barely even fucking know. Its just such a small town that people talk about things like that. And since my father was who he was in the town of course his son dropping out of high school gets talked about. Fucking little towns.

However when it comes to little towns i dont really mind them anymore. Like tupper lake. Is it wrong to not be able to wait to get back there now. I mean its boring as hell yes. This summer i know ill be bored on my days off. I mean i cant wait to get back to work. Work is fun for me. I have more fun at work then i do when im here. Which is weird since at work i get to put up with stupid campers who think they are gods since they are city folk. Well, the only thing i enjoy about that is being able to be a pain in the ass every now and then to those campers. But the people i work with are great. I love them all. They are great people. Friendly and easy going. I cant wait to hang out with them again. I mean last year i was able to threaten one of them and tell them i was going to kill them since the two of us had to pick up rusted barrels. I said " If i have to pick up one more barrel the person near me is getting killed" Its fun. Since i can say things like that and they understand im just being me and having fun. I love enjoying life and thats what i do at work. Ive never actually hated working. When i worked at Pine Grove it was great. I loved working for tiger and the people were very nice. And i dont mind work. Working has never been an issue. And aparently people know since when i showed up first day, first year at Fish Creek. Dale, my boss, tells me he has heard alot about me and that i never mind work and that im good with computers. I was like i dont know who told ya this stuff but i dont think i know as much about computers as people think. He just laughed, and said what about work. I said oh that parts true i do what im told. Last year me and kyle got to walk around the whole park. Thats right 365 sites, about 4 miles around. On foot in the rain checking the picknic tables to make sure they were alright. I didnt really like it since i was going straight from work to platsburg for an eye appointment. So i went to platsburg all wet. But i did it since it had to be done. And i cant wait for this year. If all goes as plan i should be a ranger this year. Man i hope so. Anyways. ive been going on a rant yet again for awhile. And i apologize. But when i write i write alot. Whether its in this, or in emails to people. I just write until i decide to stop. So those of you who really know me should know that when i write things expect them to be long. Anyways im going to leave you with the lyrics to the song Lonely World by Limp Bizkit.

Wanna reminisce
Ignorance was bliss
Back in the days where the magic exists
Never be the same as it was ‘cause the way it was
Just another day in the maze of a myth
Had a lot of fun living life on the run
Never had a chance to pause to get a better glance
Everything was free and everything was fast
Never even thought it wouldn’t last
When you got the mind of a man in the middle
Life is just a big fat riddle
So figure it out
Always thinking that you know
Every little thing there is to know
But you don’t really know (you know)
It’s like love
Some people get it
For some it’s just a glove that just never fitted
For me it’s just a pain in the ass
But I’m addicted to the taste
Of hoping it could last

Another day
Another night
Inside a lonely world
Another game
Another fight
Inside a lonely world
Another wrong
Another right
Inside a lonely world
Such a lonely world
Such a lonely world

Who's the man (the man in the middle)
Who's the man (the man in the middle)
Who's the man (the man in the middle)
Who's the man (the man in the middle)

Maybe I’m a target for people that are bitter
At least I can say that I never been a quitter
I remember high school; man I hated high school
It was like prison
With bullies always putting me down
Just a little skater boy they could pick on
I learned to forgive them; now I got the balls they can lick on
I loved sneaking out when my momma’s asleep
With my gothic girlfriend, making love in the creek
With the mind of a man in the middle
It could be the end of the world as we know it
Still I never want it all and I never want it now
I just wanna cruise if I loose then I figure it out
How the time flies, even with the blink of an eye
When your young you absorb like a sponge in the skies
Then you get a little older and gather your thoughts
It’s amazing what you learn when you never been taught, y’know

Another day
Another night
Inside a lonely world
Another game
Another fight
Inside a lonely world
Another wrong
Another right
Inside a lonely world
Such a lonely world
Such a lonely world

No matter how hard I can try inside a lonely world
Noone can hear me when I cry inside a lonely world
I’ll never know the reasons why inside a lonely world
Such a lonely world (such a lonely world)

No matter how hard I can try inside a lonely world
Noone can hear me when I cry inside a lonely world
I’ll never know the reasons why inside a lonely world
Such a lonely world (such a lonely world)

Another day
Another night
Inside a lonely world
Another game
Another fight
Inside a lonely world
Another wrong
Another right
Inside a lonely world
Such a lonely world
Such a lonely world

Who’s the man (in such a lonely world)
Who’s the man (in such a lonely world)
Who’s the man (in such a lonely world)
Who’s the man (in such a lonely world)
(In such a lonely world)
(In such a lonely world)
(In such a lonely world)
(Such a lonely world)
(Such a lonely world)

Its a good song, i mean sure the part about high school isnt about me, but i would go with the rest of it. I mean yea i snuck when my parents were asleep to be with my girlfriend when i was teen. Who didnt. And everything else i think goes with me as well. Just not the highschool part, since we already know i dropped out. Anyways. Thats enough for now. Maybe ill write more before going to bed. But probably just write tommorow when i wake up. This then enjoy everybody. Ive got some digital killin to be had.......

Moods, Scary Post... Please dont jude me.

Latley my moods change quiet frequently. One second i can be as happy as ever and the next i hate everything. I dont know what the hell is going on. I almost feel like im worse the a girl. Yea yea, i know ill hear the thats so mean to typcast us females like that paul. But lets face it. Girls are just more moody then guys are. Its not that we dont have mood changes. Its just that most of the time guys have been able to hide it better. And im not saying it to be mean just stating the way i see things. But yes, latley ive been thinkin i must be turning into a female to have so many fucking mood swings in such a short period of time. Its kind of sad. I mean take today for instance. Ryan and Bryan came over around 530 so we could watch wrestlemania since i had it saved on my cable box. We ordered pizza and watched wrasslin. Had alot of fun. Made alot of jokes. Lots of comments. Just a guys night. And it was great. I enjoyed it alot. Then around 1030 it ended and i went to go buy some things to kill the ants that decided to start walking around my apartment. So im in the car, happy. I get to the store, and im not happy anymore. I was in a blah attitude. It happend that fast. a 3 min car ride and i was changed. I go for a little ride after the store hoping that i can get myself back to the happy. But sadly i couldnt. I just get worse and worse. So i came home and decided to play some more Pandora Tommorow. Good game, Great Graphics. So i play that for a while, hiding in the shadows, killing the gaurds. Made me feel good, to be killing things. The question is. I know i always say that killing things in a game to make you happy is great. But is that true? or is actually a problem. The fact that someone can get such joy from killing something else, is that wrong? Granted they are not real. But it still give a joy with killing.

I know i wont go AWOL and start killing people. I have far more restraint than that. But still whats to say that if something happend someday that i wouldnt just go kill the person responsible? Lets say someone decided to hurt one of my friends. Either decides to beat them to a bloody pulp, or in the females case attack and rape them. I find out, i find the person and see him in the flesh. There is a great chance i would just snap and attack them. And you can bet your ass i wouldnt fight fair. I would try to rip the fuckers windpipe out. Its kind of sad. I actually wish i could have a reason to hurt someone. Just walk up and nail them in the face. Then kneel ontop of the guy and just keep hitting him. Over and over and over. Until he doesnt remember to breathe anymore. Kind of descriptive yes. But i just envision this. Alot latley. I just dont know where all the agression is comming from. Now i dont want the people i hang out with to worry about anything. Everyone should know i would never hurt any of them. I hate to see my friends hurt. Physically or Emotionally. I mean later this semester Bryan has his black belt test. Im going to be there and watch and support him. Thats what friends do. But its gonna be hard to see him get the shit kicked out of him in the sparing. He has told me the object of the black belt test isnt to win. Its to survive. I told him before. While watching the first guy that really hurts him, im gonna wanna just walk up to the guy and nail him in the face with a bat. And i mean it. Seeing one of my friends take a beating is not something i enjoy. But this is bryans desire. And i understand they arent out there to kill him, just rough him up alot. But he is a great friend and i dont wanna see him get hurt. But i must. I know there is something that is bothering ryan too. Not quiet sure what and thats fine. Because i know that he understands if he needs to talk, i am always here for him. Thats one example of physical abuse and one of emotional. Each of them different, but yet the same. I know this may seem like a rant. And it is. But latley i have just had so much on my mind its driving me crazy. Thats the reason i started this little journal. So back to the mood swings. See i mean i just go off on anything at any point. No real reason to any of it. Just go with what my head is telling me.

Another question for everyone. So the last couple of nights i have almost been crying myself to sleep. Not physically crying, i never felt the tears well up in my eyes. But emotionally. My mind just runs and runs and it keeps making me feel less and less important, and less and less loved. I dont know why. Its just the way things have been latley. And i have been staying up late at night the last couple of days afraid of trying to go to sleep. Im afraid that the second i turn the tv off and its just me and silence that my mind is gonna start laughing. Because it knows i am its bitch. It owns me. It controlls me. Every day it thinks it would be fun to feel two ways about everything. Im not talking like pepsi or coke two ways. Im talking about staying in bed all day and giving up or getting out of bed and actually putting up with the hell we call life. When i go for a ride. Do i follow the speed limit, or do i put the pedal to the metal and play footsie with fate by going as fast as i can and possibly getting in an accident. Things i know people dont want to hear. But its the way ive been. And those who have known me since my early teens know i have been this way before. I fought long and hard to get away from that mentality. It took a long time. I was finally able to stop thinking horrible things and i was able to enjoy life. Why is it that now i must start reverting back? Why must anything good in my life seem so far away. Everything i have wanted out of life seems to keep running farther and farther away from me everyday. Maybe its the chains i have put on myself over the years. Maybe its just that i have been lazy for so long that i just cant get myself back to the way i was when i was really young. Energetic. I mean honestly i wasnt always a big guy. I was actaully a very skinny kid til i hit about 10. Thats when i got lazy. I just stopped carring about things. Its also about the same time i lost the first of my two grandmothers. I dont know why. But i have a feeling that death has touched my life far more then i can imagine. I just shut it out. Its what i do with everything in my life. If i cant explain something or have a reason for it i just shut it out and pretend it isnt there.

Almost daily i envision myself dead. Laying there in a coffin. All my friends there. People i dont even know are there to say goodbye. And i all of a sudden feel good about myself. Its weird that envisioning your own death is what makes you happy during the day. I think its the fact that i see how many peoples lives i have touched and that i might have actually done something in my life so far. Maybe i havent done anything massivly major. No i have cured cancer, and no i havent figured out how to get those fuckin bastards to release more gas so the price can go back to 1.30. Oh i remember those days, great great days they were. Instead, i do little things for people. Try and brighten a day when its filled with rain. Be the voice of reason when someone is being irrational. Things like that.

There are other times where i envision myself dying, but i die by saving people i care about. Either pushing them out of the way of something or fighting someone for them. Anything. I dont know why i see these things in my head. Its just strange. Im sure that by now everyone can tell what kind of mood i am in. And anyone still reading i thank you. For taking the time out read this rant of mine. This rant could go unread and it wouldnt make a difference actually. I mean people will read this im sure and they will start to think of my god paul has problems. I know i have problems. Lots of problems. I just used to be better at hiding them from people. I mean last year. I always seemed happy. Like i have told everyone before last year was great because i didnt care about anything, didnt worry about anything. I always had problems. And i did care. I just was a far better actor last year. For some reason this year i cant hold it together. I can do ok for a couple days at a time i cant string a long amount of good acting together anymore. I think ive just gotten tired. Tired of lying. Lying to myself, that i am fine. Telling myself everything is great. When the fact remains that nothing is good. Nothing is great. I mean yes i have great friends here. And i love that. But in my own personal life nothing is great. I look at myself in the mirror and judge myself. I hate what i see. Everyday. I mean i know i look like a nerd. And im very overweight. I know that the way i look is not what people would call attractive. And i tell everyone else that complains about that to me that, they shouldnt care what others think. They should only care what they think. They should be happy with themselves. Thats the only person you have to please.

And i cant take my own fucking advise. I know what most people like. They want the tall handsome guys with a washboard stomach and is charming and caring. I dont care that im not that guy. I mean i know i have the charming and caring part down. Im not an idiot i know what my strengths are. And the looks thing only bothers me because i know how i could have been if i wasnt lazy. I would actually be a well defind guy if i had stayed the way i was when i was young. When i was little i liked to run. Thats right. Me Running. I liked to do lots of things that were very active. Then i got bigger, and bigger and stopped liking the activies that would make me tired quicker and quicker. The only thing i still enjoy is basketball. But everytime i play that i tend to hurt myself. Either twist my ankle, or what i did that one time. Tear all the ligaments in my ankle at the begining of the summer so i could be on crutches for the whole fucking thing. I was happy that my friends would pick me up and drop me home so i could still do things. But its just that i let myself go. I know im a big guy. Im like 5'9 and about 300lbs. Yea thats fucking big. Ive been called a teddy bear on more then one occasion. And most people would say thats a complement. I mean sure it should be seen that way. But the more i think about it. It says that im a very big person who is hairy. I mean Im sure im comfortable to lay their head on i got plenty of padding. Im probably like a big pillow.

Then i think about my medical life. My heart is gonna give way. I know it. I feel it everyday. Little sharp pains that come and go. They have become so normal that i dont really pay attention to them anymore. I mean early this semester i played king of the hill with a bunch of the people at cayuga. It was Jefe, Hoss and myself. Vs Stuie, Jess and a couple others. Sorry cant really remember thier names right now. Well we played really hard for like 15 mins, and i dominated the top of the mountain for about 5 mins of that by myself. I just sat there and kept pushing people away. It was hard god damn work but when im in the activity i dont worry and im having fun. It was the most fun i had had in awhile. I love a good challenge. Always have. But jefe got hurt and everyone else got cold and tired so we left. Jefe, hoss and myself left first. On the way back to the dorms i got a very sharp pain in my chest. Hurt so bad i didnt want to breath. Hurt so bad i almost couldnt breath. Yes, it was a gerenal idea between the 3 of us that i was having a mild heartattck. Great thing it is, let me tell you. I felt weak, felt ready to just drop to the ground, but i did what i do best and thats fight against things. So i just fought the pain. And the jefe and hoss prayed for my heart and the pain sort of subsided. But i know that my heart is ready to go. I know i can do stuff to stop it, to stop the pain and make it better. But why? Yes life is good, and yes i enjoy everything. But i mean if i have accepted the fact. Yes i will die early. Yes i know that. And i am fine with it. I mean fun is basically over after college anyways right? So i just keep doing what i am used to doing. Keep putting more and more pain and pressure on the old ticker. Not testing my limits, just enjoying myself. I mean people tell me i should quit my smoking. My mom, my dad, jess, jefe, i mean i know the others dont like me doing it but they also know its my life. And i understand that ciggerets can kill you. Over a long period of time. Thing is i dont think ill be here long enough for them to take effect. I have thought of quitting. But its not for myself. Its for them. The ones asking me to stop. The other day jess was in the car and said "Paul when are you gonna quit" I didnt know what to say. So i said nothing. But it did get to me. Got me thinking. Saying paul when are you gonna quit. You were gonna stop before last summer but you didnt. Then you were gonna stop before the school year, and didnt. Then you figured maybe stop over break, that was impossible. Its not like i actaully tried to stop. I just told myself i was going to and then didnt. I know i have been writing for awhile. Actually i have been writing for an hour. Its really sad. But i just have so much on my mind. Final thoughts for tonight, ill finish it all up tommorow when i wake up. Final thoughts are that life is rough. Some of us are set to handle the ups and downs. Others such as myself are not. We are the weak. On a side note i did go with one of my choices. And sent that email out. Got a response. Got the feeling i should have just kept my mouth shut. But me being me, that didnt work out. So i will take what is going to happen and move on. The way i have too. The way i must.... Goodnight everyone, and Goodbye.

Changes

I'm not suposed to be scared of anything, but I don't know where I am
I wish that I could move but I'm exhausted and nobody understands (how I feel)
I'm trying hard to breathe now but there's no air in my lungs
There's no one here to talk to and the pain inside is making me numb

I try to hold this Under control
They can't help me 'Cause no one knows

Now I'm going through changes, changes
God, I feel so feel so frustrated lately
When I get suffocated, save me
Now I'm going through changes, changes

I'm feeling weak and weary walking through this world alone
Everything you say, every word of it, cuts me to the bone
I've got something to say, but now I've got no where to turn
It feel like I've been buried underneath the weight of the world

I try to hold this Under control
They can't help me 'Cause no one knows

Now I'm going through changes, changes
God, I feel so feel so frustrated lately
When I get suffocated, save me
Now I'm going through changes, changes

I'm running, shaking
Bound and breaking
I hope I make it through all these changes

Now I'm going through changes, changes
God, I feel so frustrated lately
When I get suffocated, save me
Now I'm falling apart, now I feel it

Now I'm going through changes, changes
God, I feel so feel so frustrated lately
When I get suffocated, I hate this
But I'm going through changes, changes

More later tonight :-(

Comments

Just a quick note that i have added a comments section to my blog. So if you wish to leave comments about any specific post feel free. The only thing i ask is that you leave a name with it. Even if its a nickname that id know and no one else if you are afraid for some reason. All i ask is that i dont get any comments where its like "Your a psycho" with no name. I mean i wont care, ill just be pissed that my blog is being read by some stupid fucking idiot instead of the intellectuals that i figure would read it which are my friends. I will leave a real post tonight.

Zombies and Choices Part 2.

First off ill talk about the zombies. Thats right we went and saw Dawn of the Dead tonight. It was a decent movie. Not sure if i liked it more then the original or not. They were both very different actually. This one had some good moments in it. Couple points that just had some freaky stuff going on. Plus some of the music put into the film was really good. Opening the movie to Johnny Cash, then putting Down with the Sickness as done by Richard Cheese into the movie was highly welcomed. Now Ryan, Bryan, Lyndsay and myself talked about how latley in zombie movies they seem to be olympian sprinters. Now origanaly didnt zombies just shuffle around and humans could easily run past them. Granted its far more scary when the hunter is faster then its prey, this is true. But then again why go away from the standards that was set by the god of zombies George Romero? The man basically invented the zombie films. When he made the Night of the Living Dead triology in the mid 60's. Night of the Living Dead, Dawn of the Dead and Day of the Dead were his true trilogy. The return of the living dead movies i pretend dont really exist. The other thing i dont understand is why start with the middle part of a trilogy. Granted the stuck in a mall idea is nice and yes it was my favorite of the three movies, but if you are gonna do a part of a trilogy start with the first one. Now some people might say but paul Night of the living dead was remade in the early ninties. Well that movie doesnt count. Sounds weird i know but it really wasnt a big release, or even a decent remake. No actors that anyone had heard of, which is usually the way these movies are. But its just a better film when there are decent actors in the roles. I mean come on Ving Rhames was in this film. The first time you see him in it how can you not say "Marcellus Wallace"? The man just gives off that dont fuck with me, i dont fuck with you attitude, which is great. Overall the movie was good. Not great, but good. Decent. If you dont want to pay the 8.50 to see it at a theater wait til it comes to tape then. But watch it.


Alright now ill go back to what i was talking about yesterday before i had to go pick up my friend. Choices. They are a bitch arent they? I mean sometimes choices seem like a sure thing. Man i have to do this its gotta work. Then you head down that path and BAM! a bunch of things you could never imagine in your life jump out of nowhere and beat the shit out of you. They kick your ass so bad that you wish you had never made that choice in the first place. You curl into a little ball while the problems keep beating you over the head and crying to yourself saying "What the hell was i thinking?". Atleast when you start to go into your state of unconciousness due to it that maybe finally you can be at peace. Sad yes, but truth none the less. Latley ive had some choices to make and i am not sure if they have been the right ones or not. Granted i will eventually look back and say either. Paul you did the right thing, or Paul what the fuck you are quiet possibly the dumbest person on the face of the planet. Man am i ever rooting for that first one. Im tired of making the wrong choices. Im tired of having the choices come back and beat me into a submission that makes me a pain in the ass to my friends. In all honesty, im just tired. Tired of everything. Tired of working, tired of choosing, tired of life basically. Now dont go thinking im saying this in the bad way. No im not thinking anything like that. Im just tired and wish that i could get a little off time from the hassels of life. Like just go into a comma for like a couple months. That would be fine for me. Id be happy as hell. That way i could just be in my own head and not worry about the problems that come with the choices ive made.




The only problem is that my own mind hasnt been on my side latley. Had a nightmare the other night. Wasnt good. For some reason i was in an abondand asylum like place with a bunch of my friends. The ones from here and the ones from tupper. The thing is we split off into groups of like 3. And lots of us died. The group of three i was in all of us died. Atleast i think we all did. I dont really know what happend to Z. He just sort of disappeard and i never really saw him die. But i know that me and kookie both died. Bryan died as well. The only group that hadnt lost anyone by the time i woke up was the group of Goose, Steph and Lyndsay. They were all still alive. Probably because of their most people suck attitude. which i love. lol. Anyways. Bryan died protecting Lyndsay. The asylum made us all see things that werent there. invision like Event Horizon where it messed with your head and has you see things that arent there. Thats what kind of happend. Bryan saw someone hurting lyndsay ran over and tried to punch the guy, but his momentum carried him right over the edge that was there and he fell onto a bunch metal bars impalling him. Lyndsay comes across him later in the dream. Its just a disturbing dream, i mean the fact that i had it a couple days ago and its still with me scares me actaully. I mean the group of Z, Kookie and myself headed into a wing of the asylum looking for something. Not entirely sure what. But we lost Z and Kookie gets hurt and has trouble walking at one point. Then i hear someone. Saying Help me, Please paul help me. So i tell Kookie i will be back and that for him to just stay here i leave him in like a medical ward. I give him a couple scalples to defend himself if someone or something was to attack him and that i would return when i figure out who needs help. So i start following the voice. I go down the stairs to the basement area and i come to a hallway. This hallway is really dark except for the light near the end with the person screaming for help right there by the light. I know who i saw, but i will not say because for all i know that person will take offense to my dream. So I run down to help this person because i would help any of my friends and put my life on the line. Well i get down there and the person looks at me and says thanks paul. Thanks for helping me kill you. And i look over and this person opens the door and out come two demon type creatures. I take off and run like you couldnt think a fat man could run. Oh i was an olympian all of a sudden. Running back up the stairs with them hot on my tail running along the walls and ceiling. It was weird and so fucking graphic. I run back to Kookie, but when i get there i just see a pool of blood before i get there so i know he is done. When i run by i look over and he is all those scalples put into each vital organ. It got to the point of where i just kept running. Running and running away but i couldnt run fast enough. I mean i got to the point where i looked back and was like thank god i lost them. Then i turn back around and i was nose to nose with one of them. I see their hand go up, come down in a giant swing, and then i wake up. I didnt want to go back to sleep. And we should all know how me and sleep get along. So me not wanting to sleep is just not normal.




Dont know why i told ya about the dream. But it was just strange and been bugging me. I know i got away from my main point about choices. But when I write i just write from the heart. I know i have some choices ahead of me soon. Not choices that i have to make because other people want me too. But choices i have to make because i am making myself choose about a couple things. And yes im conflicted on each issue. And i am almost positive that whichever way i choose to go with these things its going to be the wrong way. Because i just seem to have a knack for fucking up anything i can. I dont know anymore. My mind is a mess. Its getting to late for me to think about it all. Too many problems... too many issues. I think ive decided about one thing ive been thinkin about. I figure ill send that friend an email and let them know what ive been thinkin. Heres to hopin i finally picked the right way. And that i dont get beat senseless from it once again.... Anyways, ill finish my thoughts tommorow when i wake up. Its bed time.

Choices

Everyone makes choices. Hell we make atleast 15 choices a day. You may not realize it at the time but every single one of those choices you make not only effects you but it also has repricusions for those around you. At points im sure most of you have looked back at choices you have made and asked yourself. What the fuck was i thinking when i did that. Well latley ive been reflecting on what choices i have made. Some of them are easily for the better. Like choosing to go to oswego last year, instead of the other colleges that accepted me like Syracuse. If i hadnt chosen to go to oswego i would never have met the friends i have now. And honestly i dont know what i would do here without them. They all help keep me sane. I mean sure a couple of them i dont see anymore. Jared, because he moved to North Carolina, and Dave since he is over in Iraq right now. Prayin for ya buddy. But everyone is still very important to me and i really dont know what type of psychy i would be in if they were not around. There are other choices i have made, but i wont get into them because im sure that some people would take offense to some of them. Just know there are choices ive made that have had nothing but greatness come out of it. While there were other choices ive made over my life that equaled nothing but complete shit. Most people make choices that even if they know it will hurt other people do because it helps themselves. And its not being greedy. Its being realistic. Its all about survival of the fittest isnt it? Well, i truely wish i had that type of mentallity sometimes. Wish that i could look out for myself before i look out for others. But i cant. Its not the way i was raised. I mean sure i was raised to make sure that im ok but i was also raised to care about everyone else. And i have taken that part and ran with it. I care about everyone elses well being even before my own. And yes it has gotten me into a lot of problems. But then again it has also made me feel great about myself when it seems like i might have changed someones life for the better. Thats my goal. For every person i meet and become friends with, i just want to make their life better in some way. Any way. If they are down and i can cheer them up, you better bet your ass im gonna do it. Anything to make ease everyone elses suffering is what i am trying to do. Yes i suffer myself on occasion but i just accept that. I usually try to bottle it in and just push it to the bottom. My friends try to help but i just usally tell them im fine. Nothings wrong, im alright. And i mean who are they to say im lying? Only i know how i truely feel at all times. So i can tell them anything and they just have to go along with it really. So i say im good, and we move on. All the while inside my head is running. As it tends to do. My head focuses on subjects that it really shouldnt, and most of the time those thoughts lead to negative feelings. Usually its a state of depression. But to be honest ive grown used to feeling depressed. Sometimes i dont feel normal unless i am depressed. Its weird to hear that i know, however when you grow accustomed to feeling a certain way thats what you start to think of as normal. Then those feelings disappear, and you should be happy. But your not. Your actually lost, wondering what to do and how to feel since for once you dont actually feel depressed. I hope this rant doesnt scare anyone. Just some shit thats been on my mind latley so i decided to put it down. Alright i have more to say but i will continue this discussion later since i have to go pick someone up. I know they have been having a hard time latley, and i wanna be there for them. So i will talk to you all later.

Thanks Everyone

First off i would like to say thank you to my friends who have been helping me through this ruff time ive been having latley. Lyndsay, Bryan, Ryan, Jefe, Hoss, Jeni, and Steph. I know ive been a pain in the ass latley and i appologize. It really means alot to me that you guys have been trying to help me out. Hopefully i will soon become the person you guys knew before. Not a fuckin mental case but someone who has fun no matter where he is as long as he is around his friends. Someone who knows how to enjoy life and not worry about anything anymore. I miss my carefree atitude. The one i had last year in college. I didnt care about anything at all. I just went through the year with the attitude that nothing was wrong and nothing bad could happen. Even when me and dave flipped in that canoe and i lost my wallet with everything including 70 dollars in it. I was unhappy sure, but i didnt let it get me down that bad. Now adays the slightest thing gets me down. Its kind of sad really. My mental state has taken such a blow that just talking about subjects gets to me. I am working my hardest to get back to the person you guys knew before. The one that never caused problems for people. This i promise you all. I wont let you down.

Very First Post

Hi everyone. Thats right i decided to join the bandwagon of everyone else and try this blogging thing out. Figure it could be fun. Or it could be dangerous and painfull. We shall all soon find out now wont we? Im going to give warning here at the begining. Expect me to put alot of song quotes and pieces into my posts. Most of them will basically give you an idea of how my mind is functioning at that time. If at any time one of my posts makes your curious about something. Ask me, ill be more then happy to clear up whatever issues you may have with it. Well since im just starting tonight im just gonna post something about Common Sense. Something that i think has been leaving this fucking country for a very long time. Need any proof, walk on a college campus.


Today we mourn the passing of a beloved old friend by the name of Common Sense


Who has been with us for many years. No one knows for sure how old he was since his birth records were long ago lost in bureaucratic red tape.
He will be remembered as having cultivated such value lessons as knowing when to come in out of the rain, why the early bird gets the worm and that life isn't always fair.
Common Sense lived by simple, sound financial policies (don't spend more than you earn) and reliable parenting strategies (adults, not kids, are in charge).
His health began to rapidly deteriorate when well intentioned but overbearing regulations were set in place.
Reports of a six-year-old boy charged with sexual harassment for kissing a classmate; teens suspended from school for using mouthwash after lunch; and a teacher fired for reprimanding an unruly student, only worsened his condition.
It declined even further when schools were required to get parental consent to administer aspirin to a student; but, could not inform the parents when a student became pregnant and wanted to have an abortion.
Finally, Common Sense lost the will to live as the Ten Commandments became contraband; churches became businesses; and criminals received better treatment than their victims.
Common Sense finally gave up the ghost after a woman failed to realize that a steaming cup of coffee was hot, she spilled a bit in her lap, and was awarded a huge settlement.
Common Sense was preceded in death by his parents, Truth and Trust, his wife, Discretion; his daughter, Responsibility; and his son, Reason. He is survived by two stepbrothers; My Rights and Ima Whiner.

Not many attended his funeral because so few realized he was gone.

Hope you all enjoyed the reading. Thats all im gonna say for tonight. Expect a long post tommorow. More then likely when i wake up tommorow afternoon.
Figured i should just ease everyone into my posting. Dont wanna scare everyone away on the first one do i? Eh maybe i do. Nah ill pass.