Watch out its me...

Hey everybody. Its just me again. Here to write yet another rant. What to write about tonight. Well i know i have a couple things to say. First off, i went back home on thursday, because i had a doctors appointment on friday for more things with my heart. I had fun on thursday night, i went for a ride with Huv. Havent done that in awhile and i really missed it. We talked about the shit going on in our lives and what we have done this fall. Him working at a prision and me with my school work and shit. I was happy i could talk with him, since i had alot to talk about. Then the next day i went to the doctors, they agreed with the previous diagnosis, that my pains are brought on by stress that i am causing myself. My doctor told me that he has known me since i was young, and that i am one of those people who needs a little stress in their life to function. Which i guess i can see as true. He said my problem is that im not being able to controll my stress this time and that it has gotten so big that its truely causing physical problems. He told me that i needed to figure out what the stress was and try to get rid of it. So i did. Ive worked on getting rid of it since i got back last night. First the ride with bryan to discuss a few things, then tonight with lyndsay. They both had to be done and i actually felt better after the talks. The problem i was having was that i had feelings for Lyndsay. And the only right thing to do was talk it over with bryan, let him know what i was feeling. I mean he did date lyndsay for 2 years. And since he is one of my brothers its only right that i tell him and get his blessing. So me and him talked about that last night. And honestly i was kind of surprised but he gave me his blessing. I told him i was kind of surprised. But i greatly appreciated it. I knew ahead of time that this wasnt going to go far, but having his blessing made me feel better. Since i had actually felt guilty about it for like a week now. Then tonight I talked with lyndsay about it. And she said that she was afraid that our friendship was going to change because of this and that she didnt want that. And i agreed the last thing i wanted was to hurt the friendship we already have. And of course i got the answer i expected going in. So it wasnt a big shock really. I got the Too good a friends, i dont think of you that way speech. Which is fine, i can accept that. But it just makes me want to take a look at myself. Step back and say what the hell do i do. Why is it everytime i tell someone i care about them i get that fucking speech? Maybe i need to be less of a good friend, i dont fucking know. Im not going to lie, im getting sick and tired of hearing the same thing every single time. Cant someone make up something original, like im going to die in 10 days so it wouldnt matter. Or Im moving tommorow. The friend speech is getting old. Now dont get me wrong, i dont think lyndsay gave me a line of bull, i understand what she was saying. Its just im tired of hearing it. Am i too nice a guy?? Is this my problem?? I never in my life thought that being too nice a guy could in fact fuck you over. But throughout my life ive been walked, walked over on so many occasions its just getting old. I dont want anyone to get the wrong idea. Im not bitching about lyndsay in any way. I love the friendship we have and i dont want that to ever change because of these feelings either. But it just got to me. Yea i told her it didnt, of course im going to say that. She even knew, she said are you just giving me the "I'M paul and i can handle anything attitude again" I said no, doubt she believed me but we dropped it. Which i appreciated. We still hung out afterwards. Went and played the dancing game. I had fun. And i thought you know what, maybe i will be alright. But afterwards, it just hit me as i was driving around after i left her place. Damn my mind! I just kept thinking to myself, what is it about me that scream friend. What the hell, do i do that makes it friend? I get that excuse everytime. EVERYTIME! I dont know. I mean i expected it this time. I even told her, when she said she was flatterd and she didnt really know what to say. I told her right there i knew what was comming and she didnt have to sugar coat it. Once you have heard the speech enough you know when its comming, you see it a mile away. I just dont know anymore. I am going to take a look at myself and say what can i do differently now. What about me do i need to change?? I mean i know, im not the most attractive person. And i know that. Man do i know that. But i would like to think im not completley ugly. I would like to think i have some very good charecteristics. Im sure i have my downsides, but i would think that i would be a decent person to be with. I dont know, im just a little lost right now. Not sure what to do. I think im going to go for a ride again. I need a couple cigs. Calm myself down before bed. I hope i sleep tonight. Well, thats all for now. Goodnight everyone....

Nice Guys Finish Last

So ryan sent me a link to this rant from a guy named Garrett Hols. I thought it was great and dead on accurate. So here ya go.

NICE GUYS FINISH LAST

By: Garrett Hols

It’s amazing that assholes can get girls. Actually, now that I think of it, it’s not that amazing. They are assholes at heart, but to meet girls they lavish their undying love. IT’S A CHARADE. They act nice, friendly, and they listen… until they get into what they’re after. Their prey thinks they are in love with them, however when they realize what assholes their predators really are, they pretend like the asshole is really nice inside. The girl tries to change the asshole into a nice guy, but assholes will always be assholes. She gets upset and goes to the nice guy to complain about the asshole. But she claims to love the asshole… now this is where the theory begins. She doesn’t want to look like she is easy so she wont dump the asshole right away, instead she will stay with the asshole. Girls are idiots. They don’t realize that the nice guy has been there all along. He never had to pretend to be a good guy to get girls because he is naturally like that. However, girls don’t see it for some reason or another. They look at the nice guy as a friend, a trusted companion to whom they can tell their sad story to about their asshole boyfriend. But the nice guy isn’t THAT naïve. He was trying to score with the girl he listens to all along. The problem is that since he is a nice guy he keeps listening. Since girls get attached to things that pay attention to them, they think of the nice guy as a friend. A FRIEND. They don’t say, “Oh he’s hot” or “I want to have his children” about the nice guy, they just want the emotional support. When they get the emotional support from the nice guy, they don’t need it from the asshole. The nice guy gets the shit end of the stick while the asshole gets all the action. I am starting to wonder if being a nice guy is really the route to take to get action… I have been down this path for all of my post-pubescent life and it has gotten me NOWHERE… at least not in the women department. Perhaps another reason why girls fall for the asshole is because assholes ignore the girl they are with. The women wonder, “Why isn’t he paying attention to me?” so they explore why. They poke and prod and get closer to the asshole. They start to get easier with each attempt to get closer. The asshole finally says, “I’ve let this beauty dangle long enough, time to boat this bass”. It is then he puts on his charade and the girl feels like she has won him… even thought all she has won is an asshole. Once you have gone down the path as a nice guy or a “listener” you can’t turn back. The girl will always go after the assholes because there are always nice guys there to listen. Once you realize that you are a “listener” you cant do anything about it… just pack up and close shop. There is no way you will get into her pants… ever. There is and never will be a situation where the nice guy will get the girl he has a crush on. It just doesn’t work like that. The girl wont “come to her senses” and realize what an asshole her boyfriend is like in the movies… instead she will just go after another asshole, and unless you stop being a nice guy, she will never go after you. Women complain that there are no nice guys in the world. Right. They are obviously not looking hard enough because there are nice guys EVERYWHERE!!!! Girls aren’t looking for nice guys… they say they are but they’re not. They are looking for the perfect asshole, but there is NO SUCH THING as the perfect asshole. All in all, the nice guy gets the shaft. To all the girls out there with boyfriends that don’t treat you with respect, that don’t listen to you, and that don’t care about you I say this; look next to you. The guy that has been standing next to you the whole time is the guy you have been looking for. He is what you want your asshole to be like. He knows more about you than you know about yourself… because he has listened to it all.

Later All

Just some thoughts

Hey everyone, its time for another rant from yours truley. Lets see what to say. First off i notice ive been writting far more in my blog latley, unsure if thats a good thing or a bad thing. Anyways i know there are people out there who read this so i will say thanks for taking the time to read whatever stuff i decide to rant about at times. Also thanks to everyone for the messages after reading my blog about my heart condition. It made me really happy to know there are people out there who care. I appreciate what everyone said to me and it really ment alot to me. On that note actually i am going back to tupper on thursday. Got a doctors appointment on friday to get some of those tests done and whatnot. Have the doctor prescribe some pill to make me calm. Hopes its a good drug.

Alright well now that ive gotten that out of the way. Lets see what else has been going on lately. Well Bryan, Lyndsay and Ryan all told me in the last week that i had a good singing voice. Which i appreciate. Its one of the few things out there that i really love to do, and having people tell you that you are good at it just makes it better. I enjoy singing, its an outlet. Something to do to calm the mind, calm everything actually. So i sing, i sing whenever i can. Why because i love too. And for those of you who actually havent heard me sing, maybe someday you will, if you do, i would love your input.

I dont know really, in case ya cant tell my mind is just running around, not being able to focus on anything for any real amount of time tonight. Sometimes i go back to thinking about what my dad once told me. "Paul, your just like me and your brother. We are each a lone wolf" I might have talked about this before i dont know. But i think about what he said. And what was ment by it. He told me its that we dont ever really need anyone else, we can fend for ourselves. Now dont get me wrong, i love my friends, and i would do anything for them and they know that. But there are times where i just need to be alone. Times to just chill by myself. And those times are frequent. I mean i know he was saying that if need be i would be able to just stand up take controll and make everything run. He told me that i was a born leader. Yea, thats right me, a born leader. Most of you that know me im so laid back i dont like to make any decisions. And i have my reasons for that. Im not going to lie and tell you i dont think i am a born leader. Honestly, i sort of do. I feel that at any time i could take controll with a cool head and figure out what needs to be done. Confidence, Arrogance.. Call it what you will. I just know that someday when the time comes, and i need to act. I will. People wont know what hit them. Ill turn it on, and go from laid back to take command. I just stay laid back because its easier that way right now. I mean i dont even like to make the decision where we are gonna eat. Why?? Because i dont want to make someone unhappy.

Now maybe you are thinking well a true leader needs to look at the big picture and not worry about each person. That is true. But isnt it easier to get everyone to work together when they are happy. I mean look at where i work during the summer. This last summer this girl came in and none of us liked her. Why? She was a bitch, plain and simple. So i mean we dealt with her. But none of us really treated her like one of the group. Within a month she quit, thank god. Maybe you think its mean of me to say. I just dont care anymore. No more pulling punches. Im just gonna speak my fuckin mind now. She was a bitch and my life is better that i didnt have to deal with her that long. But see, the rest of us are happy when we are working together. It makes work so much easier that way. We can work to achieve the main goal much easier when we are enjoying each others company and when we are happy hanging out together. I dont maybe it was just me that felt that way. But the summer crew sort of seems like family. And thats why we do such a fuckin fantastic job each summer. Which is why i figure not to tip the boat that often with things, not unless it needs to be done. Happy people work together easier. At this point your probably saying what is the big picture that you are working towards to not try and piss anyone off. The big picture is a happy life, thats what.

If you go around making other people unhappy, go around being an asshole or in the female case, Bitch. You wont make many good friends. Sure youll have aquentances but how many people will ever really call you friend? Why would they if all you do is make them mad or angry? I dont know i just got alot of shit on my mind. I know this rant might not make much sense to people but i understand it, and frankly thats all that matters.

After the scare i have decided i want to enjoy my life more. I know ive lived most of my life in a shell. I will admit it i probably have a social phobia. But you know what, fuck that. I can fight that. I can learn to get over it. And Damn it im going to try. Im tired of my shell. Im tired of alot of shit. Actually life in general makes me tired. The strain of just everyday life just gets to me sometimes. I know we all have those days where we dont want to get up out of bed for one reason or another. Sometimes we dont want to get up becasue we know we made mistakes the day before and we figure if we dont get up, you dont have to deal with the after effects. But thats not true, you deal with it, just later then you would have before. Ive decided there is no point in running from anything anymore. Any issues anyone has with me, any thing at all. I will take it head on. No more beating aroud the bush, no more trying to skirt around the situation. Fuck that. No point in it, all you ever do is delay the inevitable. And frankly im tired of running from shit. Might as well just let it try to over power me head on instead of flanking me from the side. Anything that tries to take me head on is in for a battle. Its time to become a rock. Not only for myself, but for everyone around me. Its time to be what i always was supposed to be. Time to start ascerting myself more. Time to be the leader that my dad and brother believe me to be. Not only for them, but for myself as well. Who knows maybe tommorow ill wake up and think, fuck it who wants to be a leader anyways. But chances are im gonna get up tommorow and say its time paul. Time to take controll of your life and not just coast through it on whatever intellect you may have, or any good personality traits you may posses. Its time to work for whatever you want in life. Yes.....Its time.

Goodnight everyone, and thanks for taking the time to read my rants. Im sure ill write again soon.

Time to explain

Alright, i figure its time i explain whats been going on with me. Just so everyone knows. I didnt want to tell anyone before this because i didnt want anyone to worry and i didnt want any lectures. The only one to really know about this before today was Lyndsay. Because i made her promise me some things.

Anyways, im sure some of you know about the pains that ive had in my chest before. They date back to January actually. Back to that faithful night of king of the mountain on campus. Since that night ive had pains everynow and then. I know that night i worried some people with my chest pains, but i did what i always do, ignore it. Tell myself if i dont think about it, it will go away. Well sadly this one didnt. The pains kept comming. Sparadic at first, like once a month really. Then begining of summer, started a little more frequently, like once every two weeks or so. But i just figured, its nothing big, ill let it go. Why should i worry, if something happens. It happens. Case closed. One of those if i go, atleast i had fun attitudes. And well, since the begining of october ive had these pains daily. Atleast once a day. And latley they had become even more frequent, ive had them up to 6 times in a day. I knew i was in trouble. I figured i had done so much shit to my body that ive already gone and destroyed it. And now i pay the price. If ive seemed off latley to anyone i apologize. Ive just been worried. Worried that anyday the big one would happen and i wouldnt see anyone anymore. That i would drop and that my story would end there. And im not going to lie, its hard comming to terms with thoughts like that. Its difficult thinking to yourself, well if it happens there isnt anything you can do about it and you knew before this was going to happen but you did nothing to stop it. And the thing is, i was scared shitless about it, but for some reason i was still willing to put it off. I know why. Fear. Its plain and simple the longer i dont do anything about it, i dont have to be afraid. Because i figured when i got it checked i was in some serious shit. That my lifestyle was going to change dramaticly and i wasnt ready for that. I mean sure, ive been making little changes here and there. Its a start at least right?? I mean shit i cant do everything so quickly. But ive cut down on soda, ive been trying some new foods. Been lifting with bryan. Dance game with Lyndsay. Honestly, im being as active as i can. Or atleast trying to be. I figure i need to get back into shape just to be prepared. Well after talking to Lyndsay on Halloween about it and asking her that if something were to happen to me that she notify my friends so they know. That was the first she had heard of my problem really and how scared i was. But she agreed with the condition i get it checked out during thanksgiving break. So i agreed. Became scared shitless but i agreed.

Alright first let me talk about the pain. It comes and goes and i cant find one fucking thing that it has in common when it happens. Sometimes im sitting watching tv, other times im driving. Shit it tends to happen when im laying down to go to sleep, almost nightly now without fail. Sometimes its a stabbing pain, other times its a dull pain. Sometimes my left arm goes numb, sometimes it has a stabbing pain shoot down it when the pain comes. It just varies so much. I couldnt put a fucking idea to it.

Well anyways, i called home last night and asked my mom to make an appointment with the doctor for when i come home. She wanted to know why, which is fine. But i simply told her that if i explained it she would just worry more so its better to just go with a cold. Well needless to say she didnt much care for that, so she called dad, At work no less. So i get a call from him saying she is nervous as hell and i need to tell him whats going on. So i told him so he could tell her it wasnt that bad. Even if it was. Well after talking to him, who does he call?? Dr. Dan. Thats right my older brother whos in his last year of grad school. He calls me up now asking about the symptoms and such. I talk to him about it for about half an hour. At the end he says he believes it might be stress. But that i should still get it checked out so we can be sure. I said alright and thank you. So today my dad calls, tells me the hospital wont make an appointment for me they want me to see someone here today. I said dad i can wait for a few days just tell them to make the appointment. He calls back a couple mins later saying none of them will make it. And that i should go to the emergency room here in town. I told him i didnt want to go alone, so he said he would call my brother and have him go with me. Now im not going to lie, thinking about this shit latley has made me cry mulitple times. Atleast 2 times today even. Its just scary thinking you have fucked up so bad that if one thing goes wrong you could pass away. So i called lyndsay to tell her that i couldnt hang out with her later because i had to go to the hospital and everything and my brother was going to take me. Well about 430 i get a phone call, its lyndsay replying to my message. Asking if im alright and whats wrong. So i told her my brother was supposed to take me but we havent heard from him. She tells me she will take me to the hospital and she will be over in 10 mins. As she gets there my brother calls to see whats going on. I told him that lyndsay is going to take me to the doctors and that i will call him when i get back to let him know what happend. I mean shit, right now im still getting teary eyed just thinkin about it. Anyways lyndsay takes me to the hospital and waits with me and everything. Trying to keep it lighthearted and stuff to take my mind off things, which i appreciate greatly. So i go through some test, Get an EKG, x-rays, blood work. Talked to two different doctors. And here is the kicker, Lyndsay asked more questions to the doctors then I did. Which i also appreciated, i was happy one of us knew what they were doing around here. So after two hours of waiting and tests. They said i was in good health, everything came back normal. Then the doctor asked me about stress and if i was stressed. I said i guess maybe a little, but that i didnt think it was that bad. So he asked lyndsay. She said she thought so, probably. And he said he felt it was stress induced. That i was so stressed i was doing this to myself. They want me to get more tests done at home so i will next week. Want my cholestoral checked and things such as that. But for today we left knowing that it wasnt like i was having mini heart attacks and that i just need to start relaxing more. Which i plan to do. All i can say is Thank You Lyndsay. It really ment alot to me that you would do this for me. I greatly appreciate it. I mean sure i could tell ya what i did afterwards. But that would make me sound foolish. Eh fuck it ill tell ya. I got wendys then went and played the dancing game with lyndsay. Thats right i was terrified about my heart, and then i got good news i went to eat more grease and then do some exercise. What am i stupid? Nah i was in a celebritory mood. I was exstatic that it wasnt what i feared. Sure it still hurts sometimes, actually it hurt during this writing. But i will be able to controll it in time. And thats what matters.

The basic thing is that being as afraid as i was has made me think about things. I may try changing some things about myself. Nothing major. But i mean i may start doing some things differently, or atleast try too. When i was a teenager my philosophy was fuck it, ill die young who cares. Shit when i was suicidal my plan was to be dead by 22 anyways. I figured if i made it that far, i would just blow my head off. Nice thoughts when your a teenager isnt it? Yea i thought so. Anyways now here i am, 22, and i want to live more than anything. Death scares. Terrifies me. I want to live forever now. The last thing i need is to be stuck in nothingness. Im worried that when i die, ill roam the earth forever. One thing i know. If theres a heaven i aint going to be allowed there, not for some of the things ive done. Lets just say there are things ive done no one knows about. And its gonna stay that way, but i know that with them i aint going to no heaven. And hell, well hell will be packed to start with. But the last thing i need is to be force feed vegtables for the rest of eternity. I dont know. Im still scared. But atleast i can tell myself its going to be alright. At some point i will be fine again. At somepoint all the pain will just fade away. And when that happens, it will be euphoric.

Sorry about the long rant. But i just figured that i should get it out in the open. I know lyndsay wasnt sure if i wanted anyone else knowing about it, so she didnt tell anyone. And i appreciate that, i knew i would tell people in time, when i was ready. But i needed someone to know, incase it happend. And on that note its bed time. Goodnight everybody. And one more time THANK YOU LYNDSAY FOR EVERYTHING!!!