Quote

I was looking at quotes and came across this one. I thought it was preatty accurate so why the hell not post it huh. Then a little rant from me.

"Please don't be fooled by me. Don't be fooled by the face I wear, for I wear a mask. I wear a thousand masks, masks that I'm afraid to take off and none of them are me. Pretending is an art that is second nature to me, but don't be fooled, for God's sake don't be fooled. I give you the impression I'm secure and that all is sunny and unruffled with me, within as well as without, that confidence is my name, coolness my game, that water is calm and I'm in command and that I need no one, but don't believe me, please don't believe me. My surface may be smooth, but my surface is a mask--my every varying and ever concealing mask. Beneath it dwells the real confusion, fear and aloneness. Beneath lies my smugness, my complacently, but I hide this--I don't want anyone to know it. I panic at the thought of my weakness and fear being exposed. That's why I frantically created a mask to hide behind-- nonchalant sophisticated facades to help me pretend-- to shield me from the glance that knows-- but such a glance is precisely my salvation, my only salvation and I know it. That is if it's followed by acceptance. If it's followed by love, it's the only thing that can liberate me from myself, from my own self built prison walls and from the barriers that I so painstakingly erect. It's the only thing that will assure me of what I cannot assure myself, that I'm really worth while, but I don't tell you this, I don't dare--I'm afraid to. I'm afraid that your glance will not be followed by acceptance and love. I'm afraid you'll think less of me and you'll laugh and your laugh will kill me. I'm afraid that deep down, I'm nothing and that I'm just no good and that you'll see this and reject me." -"Don't Be Fooled by Me," Charles C. Finn

I dont know, just havent been feeling right latley. So first let me say to everyone im sorry if im acting weird or strange latley. Just been one of those times. I talked to john tonight. Usually talking about shit helps, but it doesnt anymore. I cant explain it. Talking about things isnt helping anymore. I just continue to feel more and more lost, like im falling. But instead of slowing the decent by talking it seems to be speeding it up. I told john i was tired tonight. Tired of having to fight all the time. Tired of having to do what needs to be done. What it boils down to is that im basically tired of all life has to offer me. Its a scary thought. Actually being tired with life. Maybe i will get my will to fight for things back again someday, but i dont think it will be soon. Im afraid im lost. Lost in the oblivion that is my psyche. And good luck getting anything out of that place. Well, i dont know i should probably head to bed its almost 7am. So i will cut this short, and say goodnight, I will probably write about this in more detail soon. Adios all....

Invisible.....

So lets see. I dont know, just been one of those times i guess. Let stuff build. Nothing major mind you, but just a bunch of shit build and let it fester internally, until finally i bust. Well it happend again tonight. Nothing bad happend either. I really shouldnt be mad, unhappy whatever im feeling. I dont even know. I just feel like i should be invisible, sometimes i wish i wasnt even around. I wish i could just vanish, as if i never existed. I dont know. I mean i dont make much of a difference either way. Im just here. Living. Doing the same thing day in, day out. Now dont get me wrong i love all my friends and dont know what i would do without them. But sometimes, like tonight i just wish i didnt exist. I just wish, i could go *Poof* and be gone. Tonight i went for a car ride, and while riding the thought that creeps into my head everytime i go for a ride to clear my mind came back into it again. I wanted to crash. I wanted to wrap my car around a fucking tree. I dont know why though, they just creep in there. What if... and then alot of scenarios play themselves out in my head. But they all end in me not being around anymore. I dont know this might not make any sense to people. But what im saying makes sense to me and really thats what this is for. For me to vent what i have on my mind and just let it out. If people read it, good. If not, just as well. Its just hard being this way. I have people telling me i need to stop keeping shit internally until i break like this but i cant. Its the way im fuckin built. I cant change who i am. So i will continue with this cycle for the rest of my life. That much i know. I just dont know how much longer it will be in oswego. I know i have one more year here, but after next year im thinking im gone. I think im going somewhere far away from here. Somewhere i can just relax for awhile and then get my life in order. i need to find i a place i can just fade away at. Find a place that even when im there, im not. You know those times in like movies and stuff that show people standing there and then they fade away? I know most of the time they are ghosts or imaginary things but i wish i could be that person. Just fade away. Is that wrong? I dont think so. Im just tired of dealing with shit. Im tired of everything.

Another thing that gets me is being told that im such a great guy all the time. I mean dont get me wrong, i know its supposed to be a compliment. But then people dont want anything to do with me. Honestly how great a guy can i be? I know. Im smart, charming, and have my times with being funny. And i care about what people think, i try to make sure everyone is happy. So i mean yea i guess im a great guy. I mean this has been getting me for awhile now. Its just something i cant grasp for the life of me. I dont know, i feel sometimes that my attitude and overall way about me is taken for granted. im sure it is. Now i dont want people to read this and be like oh god he is talking about me, he is pointing me out. Understand its no one person that brought this up. Its lots of things at lots of different times. I have more to say but im gonna stop for now. So i will leave with some lyrics from a goo goo dolls song.

And I wonder where these dreams go
When the world gets in your way
What's the point in all this screaming
No one's listening anyway

Goodnight....