Losing It....

Hi everyone, thats right im finally writing another post. I know its been awhile, just really didnt know what to say in here. I mean alot of shit has happend, just didnt know what to say about it. Probably nothing. But as the title suggests i am losing it. What is it you may ask. It is my sanity, my personality, my feelings. All of the above. Its everything. Everyday i feel myself becomming more and more like a statue. I feel myself slowly dying inside. Not like actual dying. But the person i was is slowly fading away into the distance. What is comming out in its place? Not something i enjoy seeing. But its on its way anyways. I mean dont get me wrong im still happy on a few occasions. But its not the same anymore. Happiness seems like a far away land now. And thats not right. Everyone should be happy shouldnt they? I mean honestly, do people deserve to feel the way i feel? It gets harder every day to find a single reason to leave my bed. I used to not have a problem finding a reason. One fucking reason.

But latley its just getting harder and harder. Today i got up for the simple fact that i wanted to beat a videogame. Thats right ladies and gentleman. My reason for getting out of bed was a videogame. Thinking im strectching for reasons? I know i am. I mean i had a paper due tonight, did i care? Not really. I had a week to redo it. Did i? Nope. Wanted too, just never felt like it. What did i feel like doing? Sleeping, playing games, and watching tv. Anything that can take my mind off of shit. And its getting harder and harder for me to ignore things. Even games are losing their effect on me. Used to be i could play a game and just zone out and not worry about the world around me. But not anymore. I play, but im not focused on it. My mind is somewhere else. Its always thinking wondering about things i should care about anymore. But i do. Its been awhile since ive been happy. I mean i enjoy hanging out with my friends. They are fucking great. Its just that its an act. I put on the happy face, joke around, act like i could care less about anything at all. Like the paul they knew before. The one who was easy going, the one who was extremly laid back. But im not. Not anymore. Something has changed me. Made me harder. Colder. Not as open if you will. I mean i love my friends and would do anything for them. But my own personal way is just colder. Im not thinking nice thoughts anymore. i used to think about how great things were, how this was alright, something bad happens, thats fine whatever and i moved on. But i cant anymore. Im tired of it. Its easier to ignore everything, easier to just pretend its not a certain way.

But you can only play stupid for so long before you have to face things. And trust me i know, ive played stupid/naive to a T on mulitple occasions. Letting people think i have no clue whats going on. What they want me to do, what they want to do, where they want me to go. I just play it off like i have no clue. Why is that? Its easier. People think of you as less of a threat if you dont understand things. I mean yes people enjoy smart people. But lets say i actaully let people in on my intellect sometime. Theres a chance it could scare people. And im not saying it to be cocky. Its just i know im smart, not the smartest person, nowhere near it. But I am far more intelligent then people believe. Everytime people talk i pay attention. It might not seem like it but i do. Even if they arent talking to me. I just sit there and think to myself about the conversation and what i would want to say about it, but i choose not too. i decide to act like i have no clue what they are talking about. I mean at one point there was this girl who wanted to have fun if you will. Me being myself play stupid. Made her think i had no clue of her intentions. Now your typical male will say, What the fuck paul? Why would you play games like that? Its simple. I want them to be sure about it before anything starts. So it makes them make the first move. Its that simple. And i mean i had to play dumb for a couple hours. But in the end it didnt matter, she made the move and on it went.

So i mean playing stupid is just what i do. Its a game to me, a real life game. How many people can i convince that im not that bright? How many can i have believe that im very foolish, very clumsy? Now most of my friends here know better. Why? Because i have had actual conversations with them about things. They know im not as stupid as i make myself out to be. But to the general public, and certain other people who think they know me but dont im just a general knucklehead who doesnt understand complex things. Problem is i understand complexity more then i want too. Seems things always have to be complicated in some way or another. Atleast when im around it does. Anyone else have that problem? I hope so. Not that i want people to go through the shit i usually do, but i just dont want to be the only one who has to put up with it.

So these last couple of weeks have been hard. Couple weeks ago, jessie told me that we basically shouldnt be friends anymore. Not really not be friends but that we shouldnt really talk that much anymore. And it hurt. Hurt alot. I mean to have someone that you have a very close friendship with tell you they dont really want to hang out with you, or talk with you anymore. Its rough. I knew that some of the poems i gave her would make her mad, but i didnt expect it to make that type of impact. I guess i failed to grasp the strength of the things i wrote. So i just accepted it. What else could i do? Say no i dont think we should stop talking i wont allow it? Its not possible to do that. But my friends there knew it was hard on me. I would like to say thanks to lyndsay for listening to me rant about it. She told me that i could cry in front of her because she saw me shaking and about ready to cry. But i didnt. I stopped myself. Because i just cant cry over it. I want too, but i cant allow myself too. So thank you lyndsay, for listening to my problems and helping me out, a couple of those days were really really hard to get through.

What im talking about right now may sound weird to people. Paul, why cry over someone who decided to ditch your friendship. They tossed you away, you are better off. They dont deserve to be your friend if they dont care about the friendship. But it hurt me. I mean i would like to think that im a great friend. I mean my friends know i would do anything for them. Kill for them, die for them. So why would someone so easily just give up my friendship. Why toss it away like it was nothing? Well i had to know. So i sent her an email and asked her. I was expecting a short little email giving me a reason. I told her i wanted to be able to say hi to her when i see her. It just didnt feel right now being able to even say hi to her. So last sunday i was in the dorms. I go to the bathroom and as i was leaving there she was waiting outside the door to talk to me. So we went into the stairway and talked for couple mins. She told me that she asked people what she should do and they said to just stop talking to me. And she listened to them. I mean sure they could have told her to do that, but did she have to listen if she didnt want too? Thats the question. i mean couldnt she have decided for herself to take a different approach to the subject? But the thing was i didnt want to talk to her face to face like we did. Dont get me wrong im not being bitter about it, thats not why. The reason is her eyes. Her blue hypnotic eyes. It never fails, everytime i look into those eyes i just feel happy, i feel content. And i knew that after we talked like that i was going to hurt again. Why? Because i knew that isnt the way it is anymore. I looked into her eyes and i was happy, then we stopped talking and agreed we can say hi to each other and stuff. And i go back into the guys room and i felt pain, sadness. Because i know that the happiness isnt there anymore. That i look into her eyes and get lied too now. No more calm, no more peace and serenity. I see it, but its not there. Its just hard i guess.

I just cant wait to get to work this summer. Help me forget about her. Help my mind stop going back to the issues with her and how if anyway i could have saved the friendship. I go back and say i could have done this differently, i could have done that differently. But whats the point? I cant go back, i cant change the things i have done. And i realize that after this comming week i will never see her again. I mean sure she will be in oswego next fall when i am. But i know we wont hang out, we wont talk. She says you never know. We could become good friends again. But the thing is i do know. Its just something i would say im 95% sure of. She only says that to give hope. But i know there isnt any. And it is just hard. I mean i look back and there are times where i dont know what i would have done had she not been there for me. I mean over break when i found out i wasnt going to be allowed back to school, she was at my house. So she tried to make me feel better. She held me as i cried, she sang me a couple songs to try and make me feel better, i was just lost. Then she came with me to oswego to move out of the room. Once i hit oswego i cried again because it became a reality. I always could tell myself it wasnt real, til i got there. So she held my hand kept telling me it was going to be ok, and that i wasnt going to be far from everyone. That we could still hang out because i was still going to be in town. i mean there were just times that she was there for me, that she kept telling me it was going to be ok. And now theres no more of that. I can never go to her again with a problem. I dont know. i mean its wierd. I know that jessie is gonna be one of those people ill never forget, and we only knew each other for like 7 months. 7 months out of my life and ill never forget her. Means she made an impact doesnt it? Work cant come soon enough, i just cant stress that enough. The people i work with are fun, they are easy going. And i wont have to worry about seeing jessie there. Hopefully this summer will make everything alright. Hopefully my head can clear itself, so i dont keep going back and replaying parts of the friendship in my head. Im sure it will clear out when i get working. It will be nice to get back there and joke around with everyone again. I miss the fun times. Alright i gotta get off the topic of jessie, im getting very sad again. Just thinking of losing someone like her from my life. It just brings me down everytime i think of it.

So good news. Bryan got his blackbelt last night. It was good. Not him taking tons of punishment. But him achieving something that he has strived for. I love seeing my friends reach their goals. It makes me happy. Bryan had to do alot of things last night. Lots of things that looked very painfull. And he did break two cement slabs with one hit. Thats right, bryan is the fuckin man. I would be nervous having to hit one piece of wood and he went through two concrete slabs. I mean jesus. Sure he hurt his hand doing it, but the fact still remains that he went through it on his first try. And there were points during the evening of pain for him where i just wanted to jump up, run over to him hold him up, give him a hug and tell him that everything is going to be fine, that he was doing a great job and that i was proud of him. I know i sound almost like a father talking proudly about his son. But i just have so much respect for him. To go through what he went through, and actually be able to walk, even if it was with a limp, he still walked down to the car. We figured we were gonna have to carry him. After all the shit he had to do, bryan had to finish it off with 15, 2 minute rounds of sparring with various members of the club. Oh yea did i mention thats after about 3 and a half hours of vigourous routines and excerices. So he had to be dead. near the end he was just taking the beating and trying to survive. If that was me i would have thrown in the towel early on. Not bryan, he took it and keep going. Then when he was allowed to make a little speech, he said he was happy that his friends were there and we ment alot to him. I wanted to cry. Seriously, it just hit me so much. I love my friends. I love all of them. So let me finish this by saying, Bryan i am very proud of you, i am happy you are one of my friends dude. It means alot to me. Well long enough post i guess, hope you enjoyed it. ill write another one when i get back from mikes house this weekend. Later all.