Last but not least. My Puppy!!!!!!! 

Doctor Dan. AKA: My Brother. 

Im so Ghetto it Hurts! 

Another year older

So im another year older today. Yup thats right im 23. Kinda old huh. Yea i know it is. Thing is, i should be happy. Be jumping around saying oh hell yes son! But im not. Not sure why either. I just know that the way im feeling is not the way im supposed to be feeling. And i mean i had a great night tonight. The guys took me to Johnny Rockets in Syracuse to celebrate my birthday since they had things to do tommorow. And I loved it, it was really fun. But yet im still not happy. I would say that honestly im in no way near a good place in my own head. But i cant fuckin explain it, and its buggin the hell out of me. What the hell am i missing, whats making me depressed and sad? Why cant i just be happy with the things i have now and not worry about anything else? I just cant understand it. I had fun with the guys, but by the time i got home i was kinda in a bad mood. Of course i play it off as being tired, but its not that. Its the fact that i cant understand how come im in the state that i am in. What did i do to deserve to be in this kind of mindset, Now of all times too. I mean sure birthdays got old at 16. I mean 18 i got to vote, oh boy thats something to look forward too (Note: Sarcasm). And at 21 i was able to drink legaly, but honestly that didnt change anything since i had been drinking long before that age anyways. So the last time a birthday had any real significance was 16. That honestly seems like a long time ago now. I dont know, its just weird. Ive gotten older, but yet, i havent. I havent changed at all. Im still the same person ive always been. Just a little louder now when it comes to dealing with people. But im still who ive always been. A clown, A leader, A confidant, and A Coward. Yea i understand, leader and coward sort of dont go together. But i can be both, just a different times.

I dont know, i just dont. Im honestly at a loss right now with what to say. I should probably just end it here and say that sad but true on my birthday, im depressed. I dont know what i wish anymore. I dont know what i want anymore. All i know is that im tired. Tired of being me...

Happy New Year!!!

Happy New Year everyone. Im back with another little rant. So another year has passed. Another tick has gone on our life scales. And what have i learned this last year. Not much. Not much ever really changes in my life. Its sad, but its true. Every year i make new friends, i lose old friends. Its just the cycle of life really. This year i have become far more vocal. I know i used to be quiet about things. I have gotten away from that. Im sure that sometimes im viewed as being an asshole. And the thing is, im fine with that. I dont really care how im viewed anymore. Im me. Its all i will ever be, its all i can ever be. Asshole? Maybe. Honest and straightforward? You bet your ass. If people ask me what i think, you have opened the flood gates and prepare. Dont expect a sugar coated answer. I dont know. Im really just in a confused state really. I dont know why, but latley i have just sort of felt lost. I wish i could have staight answer as to why i cant focus on anything anymore, but i cant. I accept the fact that i just have alot of emotions and ideas flying through my brain. The problem is i cant really focus on any single thought for an extended period of time. My mind is just a big jumble of things. Soon enough im sure that everything will sort itself out. And i will be able to stop thinking for awhile again. Thats the only difference with me now. Im alot more forceful. Atleast i think i am. Things are changing. My mentallity about things are changing. I just dont know. Right now im sort of dying for a ciggerette. But i cant have them. I have been able to quit again and this time im going to stay with it even if it kills me, atleast thats what i want to do.

What do i see for the year ahead? Changes. Changes in lots of areas. Im not saying that massive things will happen, but i just see changes comming, and not all of them are going to actually deal with me. Its gonna be with the people around me too. But i just know that once people get settled into thier lives, start taking things for granted. Something happens, always does. A monkeywrench in the mix basically. I know im getting older, i mean hell ill be 23 in a couple weeks. And as i get older, i seem to change more and more. I just sit here and think sometimes, think about things. Am i where i wanted to be at this age? The first answer i got was scary, i didnt expect to be here at this age. When i was younger i figured i would die at 21. Why? Because i figured if all else failed i could do myself in. But i didnt, thank god. But the thing is when i was young i didnt have life dreams. I had dreams of a day. Not what to do when i grew up. I thought about what to do on a specific day, and none of them ran past the age 21. So i say, well i guess im where i thought id be. Thats the problem when you dont have dreams of life, but dreams of death when you are younger. But ive changed. Especially after my heart inceddent in november. I was a wreck then because i thought i was gonna die almost daily. It made me realize how much i take for granted. I mean i have great friends, and i love them dearly. But someday. They will be gone. I mean its starting already. Life is taking over. They graduate and then move on. Life has consummed them. And the older we get the more space will take over. And before i know it, its just gonna be me. Me, all by myself. Thinking well, this was fun. Then realizing that im still being a big kid. Because i will always be a big kid. I mean sure im getting far more cocky. Maybe its a good thing, maybe its a bad thing. But i dont care. Here is something for ya. I think im a great person. I have a great attitude about myself. I mean i think that any persons life that i touch is better off for it. I believe that i can make anyones day better just by being around. Why? Im infectious. I mean yea, not a looker. Whatever fine. I dont really care. Im intelligent, and ill be damned if im not a charismatic bastard too. Im quick witted. Sometimes the things i say seem mean, but anyone who knows me, knows what im saying is just a joke. They know my real stance on most things. Honestly i love the people i have met here in college. Bryan,Ryan,Lyndsay. Everyone thats still on campus. I love all you guys. But i know that in time distance will overtake us all. We will take from time to time, but it will never be the same. So i just want you all to know i really enjoyed our time together, and im happy you all crossed my path in my life. Old friends, new friends. If i consider you a friend, you are til death. If i called you friend at somepoint, and we have had our differences and falling out since then. Deep down your still a friend. I wish there were answers for the questions i ask myself. But there isnt. There never will be. Im afriad, afriad that for once i may be stuck in a state of helplessness. Stuck in a world without answers. Im sorry this rant doesnt make much sense. Its not that im in a bad place. Its more that im just so confused. I know it happens alot. But its a problem im sure most people of intellect have. They figure that things can be solved so you run the chances of everything in your head. Run the statistics of every possible outcome. And then start over. The problem is you get so many questions without answers that your brain starts running around in circles and your just along for the ride. Maybe after i sleep, ill be ok. Doubtfull, but one can always wish right? I dont know anymore. Im sorry everyone. Goodnight.